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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
Who the hell did that? Freakin hilarious... 
LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to
have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local
brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed,
I'm not wasting two of my girls on them". These two are so old and drunk
they won't know the difference." The two men go up the stairs and take care
of their business. As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I
think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think
that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving
her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH!!! Why the hell
would you say that?" Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and
I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window
have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local
brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed,
I'm not wasting two of my girls on them". These two are so old and drunk
they won't know the difference." The two men go up the stairs and take care
of their business. As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I
think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think
that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving
her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH!!! Why the hell
would you say that?" Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and
I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window
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GrayBuck
Newbie
A new young monk arrives at the monastery and as with all new monks he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices however that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy it would never be picked up.
In fact that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son.
So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R".
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong father? With a choking voice the old abbot replies, " The word is celebRate, The word is celebRate!
So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy it would never be picked up.
In fact that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son.
So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R".
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong father? With a choking voice the old abbot replies, " The word is celebRate, The word is celebRate!
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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............
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Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" <o =""></o>
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. <o =""></o>
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face 'was way too old to have been my classmate. <o =""></o>
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended <st1 =""><st1 ="">Lawton</st1><st1 =""> Senior High school</st1></st1>.
"Yes Yes, I did. I'm a Cougar." he gleamed with pride. <o =""></o>
"When did you graduate?" I asked. <o =""></o>
He answered, "In 1971. Why do you ask?" <o =""></o>
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. <o =""></o>
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?<o =""></o>
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. <o =""></o>
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face 'was way too old to have been my classmate. <o =""></o>
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended <st1 =""><st1 ="">Lawton</st1><st1 =""> Senior High school</st1></st1>.
"Yes Yes, I did. I'm a Cougar." he gleamed with pride. <o =""></o>
"When did you graduate?" I asked. <o =""></o>
He answered, "In 1971. Why do you ask?" <o =""></o>
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. <o =""></o>
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?<o =""></o>
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Man of The Year Awards
http://home.arcor.de/jean_luc/humor/tag/tag.htm
was surprised to see Dihard / Alan didn't make it
http://home.arcor.de/jean_luc/humor/tag/tag.htm
was surprised to see Dihard / Alan didn't make it
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his
kids after things around the farm.
The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name.
When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel."
The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son," to which he boy replied,
"It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really."
The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right
down to the principal's office THIS minute!"
The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon,
'Chicken Shit,' he ain't gonna believe you, either."
kids after things around the farm.
The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name.
When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel."
The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son," to which he boy replied,
"It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really."
The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right
down to the principal's office THIS minute!"
The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon,
'Chicken Shit,' he ain't gonna believe you, either."
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Ghost Recon
Did it go Poof?
Mom and Dad are having sex when little johnny walks in. Stunned by what dad was doing to mom, johnny asks, "dad what are you doing to mommy?"
Dad replies, "johnny I'm putting a little brother for you in mommy!"
Johnny gets all excited at the thought of having a little brother.
The next day, dad comes home from work to find johnny on the from steps crying. Dad asked little johnny why he's crying?
"Well dad you know how you put brother inside mommy yesterday."
Dad says, "yes?"
johnny, "well, the mailman came by today and ate him"
Dad replies, "johnny I'm putting a little brother for you in mommy!"
Johnny gets all excited at the thought of having a little brother.
The next day, dad comes home from work to find johnny on the from steps crying. Dad asked little johnny why he's crying?
"Well dad you know how you put brother inside mommy yesterday."
Dad says, "yes?"
johnny, "well, the mailman came by today and ate him"
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Mom and Dad are having sex in the missionary position when little Johnny walks in. Stunned by what Dad was doing to Mom, Johnny asks, "Dad what are you doing to Mommy?"
Dad stammers, "Johnny... I'm making a little brother for you in mommy!"
Johnny says "oh" and starts to leave.. then he turns around and says "hey Dad, turn her over, I want a puppy"
Dad stammers, "Johnny... I'm making a little brother for you in mommy!"
Johnny says "oh" and starts to leave.. then he turns around and says "hey Dad, turn her over, I want a puppy"
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Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent....
I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch." "Just you and me."
I said. "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- NAKED!!!!!
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent....
I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch." "Just you and me."
I said. "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- NAKED!!!!!
Upvote
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