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Best Jokes

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Signs that you're too drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
more attractive.

Roseanne Barr looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past
you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
 
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The Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had
been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him).

"It's been a year"!


There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting
the guarantee they made me.


Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore
 
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ?slap and tickle?, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor?s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
 
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Men!

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little
to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
 
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The Five Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"


Moral of the story:If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:(1) Not everyone who sh*** on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your
friend.(3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
 
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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised it's terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise> was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly," to "Elaborate Military Posturing."

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations," and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor," and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, as the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
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Which Type Of Woman are you?
a.. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER. !!!

b. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

c. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

d. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

e.. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running .!!!

f.. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

g.. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

h.. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

i.. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

j.. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
 
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There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
> down the
> sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string
> behind him.
>
> He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute
> and knocks
> on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she
> saw the little
> boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to
> have sex with
> one of the women inside, had the money to buy it,
> and wasn't
> leaving until he got it.
>
> The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come
> in. Once he
> got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he
> liked. He asked
> her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of
> course the madam
> said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men
> were talking
> about having to go to the hospital and get shots
> after making
> love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted.
>
> Since the little boy was so adamant and had the
> money to pay for
> it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the
> first room on
> the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the
> squashed frog
> behind him.
>
> Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging
> the frog,
> paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which
> time the madam
> stopped him and asked him just why he picked the
> only girl she
> had in the place with a disease, instead of one of
> the others.
>
> He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
> home, my
> parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,
> leaving me at home
> with a baby-sitter.
>
> When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my
> baby-sitter, who
> happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and
> then she will
> get the disease that I just caught.
>
> When mom and dad get back, dad will take the
> baby-sitter home,
> and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones,
> and he'll
> catch the disease.
>
> Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he
> and mom will go
> to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it.
>
> In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman
> will deliver
> the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and
> he'll catch it,
> and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
 
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Dangerous Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via
any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote
known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to all your friends. If you do not have
any friends, you have already been infected, and WORK is controlling
your life.
 
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When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a month or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.
 
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