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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
IronBuckI
Calmer than you are.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was
also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has
your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked
at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was
also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has
your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked
at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Upvote
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scarletandgrey
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
What did the one saggy tit say to the other?
If we don't get some support people are going to think were nuts!
If we don't get some support people are going to think were nuts!
Upvote
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
Safety Quiz
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on
your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig
which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter
are also traveling at the same speed
as you.
What must you do to safely get out of
this highly dangerous situation?
answer below
Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on
your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig
which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter
are also traveling at the same speed
as you.
What must you do to safely get out of
this highly dangerous situation?
answer below
Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
<TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2>Legal Laughs</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Upvote
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pianobuck46
pianobuck46
So in 1st grade one morning, the teacher was working on word usage.
"Now, children, today's word is "beautiful". Who can use it one time in a sentence?"
Little Mary raises her hand" It's a beautiful morning."
Teacher: "Very good, Mary. Who can use it twice in a sentence?"
Little Suzy: "The beautiful sunshine is making the morning even more beautiful."
Teacher: "Very good, Suzy. Can anybody use it three times?"
Little Johnny: "This morning my 16-year-old sister came down to the breakfast table and announced to the family that she was pregnant. My father said, 'Beautiful..........beautiful.........just fuckin' beautiful!'"
:gobucks3: :osu2: :gobucks4:
"Now, children, today's word is "beautiful". Who can use it one time in a sentence?"
Little Mary raises her hand" It's a beautiful morning."
Teacher: "Very good, Mary. Who can use it twice in a sentence?"
Little Suzy: "The beautiful sunshine is making the morning even more beautiful."
Teacher: "Very good, Suzy. Can anybody use it three times?"
Little Johnny: "This morning my 16-year-old sister came down to the breakfast table and announced to the family that she was pregnant. My father said, 'Beautiful..........beautiful.........just fuckin' beautiful!'"
:gobucks3: :osu2: :gobucks4:
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This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a WOMAN in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which
fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the
Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which
fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the
Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!
Upvote
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Upvote
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up?"
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A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Man Tests Validity of Urine Sample
A man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his elbow. The doctor has him pee in a cup and then takes the sample and dumps it into a small machine. After a few seconds the machine spits out a piece of paper, the doctor looks at it and proceeds to tell the man that he has tennis elbow, to take a few aspirin and to ice his elbow down every night.
The man is pretty incredulous that this machine could diagnose all this from a urine sample, so he decides to test it. That night he goes home and has his wife, daughter, son, and dog all pee in the cup. Then to make it interesting he adds a little motor oil from the car, and to top it off he masturbates into the cup as well. The next day he goes back to the doctor, who puts the sample into the machine. This time the machine churns out a much longer piece of paper.
The doctor looks at it for a while then says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your son is using heroine, your dog has rabies, and your car needs a new transmission. But as for the good news, if you stop jerking off so much, that tennis elbow should clear right up."
A man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his elbow. The doctor has him pee in a cup and then takes the sample and dumps it into a small machine. After a few seconds the machine spits out a piece of paper, the doctor looks at it and proceeds to tell the man that he has tennis elbow, to take a few aspirin and to ice his elbow down every night.
The man is pretty incredulous that this machine could diagnose all this from a urine sample, so he decides to test it. That night he goes home and has his wife, daughter, son, and dog all pee in the cup. Then to make it interesting he adds a little motor oil from the car, and to top it off he masturbates into the cup as well. The next day he goes back to the doctor, who puts the sample into the machine. This time the machine churns out a much longer piece of paper.
The doctor looks at it for a while then says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your son is using heroine, your dog has rabies, and your car needs a new transmission. But as for the good news, if you stop jerking off so much, that tennis elbow should clear right up."
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Father Accepts Daughter’s Vibrator
A guy walks unannounced into his daughter’s bedroom. On the nightstand is a giant dildo vibrator. The guy freaks and says, "Sweetie, what’s with this?"
The daughter snatches the dildo from his hand and yells at him, "Dad, I’m 37 years old. I live at home, hate my job, I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year...I need something in my life, okay?" Her dad says, "Alright honey, I’m sorry. Don’t worry about it."
The next day the girl comes home from work. When she opens the door she sees her father sitting at the bar in the living room with a martini in one hand and the dildo in the other hand. She says, "Daaad! What are you doing?!" Her father says, "What the hell does it look like? I’m having a drink with my son-in-law."
A guy walks unannounced into his daughter’s bedroom. On the nightstand is a giant dildo vibrator. The guy freaks and says, "Sweetie, what’s with this?"
The daughter snatches the dildo from his hand and yells at him, "Dad, I’m 37 years old. I live at home, hate my job, I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year...I need something in my life, okay?" Her dad says, "Alright honey, I’m sorry. Don’t worry about it."
The next day the girl comes home from work. When she opens the door she sees her father sitting at the bar in the living room with a martini in one hand and the dildo in the other hand. She says, "Daaad! What are you doing?!" Her father says, "What the hell does it look like? I’m having a drink with my son-in-law."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Drunk Seniors Get Horny, Honest
An old man in a nursing home receives a bottle of wine from his son for his birthday. He talks the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him that evening.
After they are both totally wasted, he starts groping the old lady and unbuttons her blouse. He manages to get her bra off before she stops him.
She says, "Before we do this, I want to tell you that I have acute vangina."
The old guy says, "God, I hope so – you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
An old man in a nursing home receives a bottle of wine from his son for his birthday. He talks the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him that evening.
After they are both totally wasted, he starts groping the old lady and unbuttons her blouse. He manages to get her bra off before she stops him.
She says, "Before we do this, I want to tell you that I have acute vangina."
The old guy says, "God, I hope so – you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
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Hangover Ratings
* 1-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.
** 2-star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.
*** 3-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime someome walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.
You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4-star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5-star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
****** 6-star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.
* 1-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.
** 2-star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.
*** 3-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime someome walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.
You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4-star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5-star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
****** 6-star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.
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Submariner Tact
A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics
of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and
eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive
about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command
Master Chief position.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are
missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your
hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact
and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, a Aviation Service Master Chief, when asked this
same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with an Submarine Master Chief. He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact
lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with only one fucking ear."
A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics
of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and
eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive
about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command
Master Chief position.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are
missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your
hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact
and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, a Aviation Service Master Chief, when asked this
same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with an Submarine Master Chief. He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact
lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with only one fucking ear."
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