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Best Jokes

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Three men and two women were stuck in an elevator. While waiting for the repairman to free them, they decided to introduce themselves.

The first man said, "My name is Bill and I'm a YUPPIE: Young Urban Peace-loving Professional Intellectual Ecologist."

The second man said, "My name is Dick and I'm a DINK: Double Income, No Kids."

The third man said, "My name is Wally and I'm a RUB: Rich Urban Biker."

The first woman said, "My name is Sally and I’m a B.I.T.C.H.: Babe In Total Control of Herself!"

They looked at the other woman, "So what about you? What are you?"

She replied, "I'm a WIFE: Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc!"
 
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I recently picked a new approved primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't,"I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
 
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A guy goes into an adult book store and asks for an inflatable Doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or Female?"
Customer says, "Female."
Counter guy asks, "Black or White?"
Customer says, "White."
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does Religion have to do with It?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one Blows itself up" .
 
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God Is Great - Just Not at Golf

God, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf. Moses tees off first and hits a great drive right down the middle of the fairway. The ball hits on the edge of the green and rolls to a stop about 20 feet from the pin. Jesus tees off and his ball also goes right down the middle, hits on the edge of the green, and rolls to a stop only 10 feet from the cup. God lines up and duffs his drive the ball barely making it off the tee box. But just before it stops rolling a squirrel jumps out of a tree, grabs the ball in its mouth, and starts running down the fairway. About 50 feet into its run an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel and starts flying off with it. Just as the eagle gets over the green, a bolt of lightning flashes and hits the eagle. It drops the squirrel, the squirrel hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth, and rolls over and drops into the cup.

Jesus turns to God and says, "Come on, Dad, quit fucking around. We're playing for money here."
 
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Man Accepts Death in Family

A guy walks into his favorite bar and spots a table with his buddies in the back. He walks towards them and they stand-up to greet their friend. One of them notices that his eyes are red from crying and they ask what's the matter. "My mother in law just died," he replied. "That's terrible," they all say and offer their condolences. Then another guy asks him, "Why is your shirt is all ripped?" The man says, "She put up a hell of a fight."
 
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Women Decide Who Was The Drunkest

Three women have a very late night drinking. They leave in the early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!"

She begins to cry. The room falls silent. Finally, the first girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog!"
 
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hiredat The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Managerdecides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo'sall over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At theend of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. Shehas a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 menwatch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around twomarbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but Ithink you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job isto give Elmo two test tickles."
 
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There once were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blond on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blond. It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blond doesn't!"
 
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An <st1:city w:st="on"><st1>Ann Arbor</st1></st1:city> farmer was milking his cows one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the unmistakable <st1><st1>University</st1> of <st1>Michigan</st1></st1> fight song.

Amazed, the next day he put the calf in his truck and drove the animal to a Veterinarian in <st1:city w:st="on"><st1>Ann Arbor</st1></st1:city>. When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him. The vet went around behind the calf and listened.

He agreed he heard the <st1><st1>University</st1> of <st1>Michigan</st1></st1> fight song, but didn't seem particularly excited. "Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?!?!", the farmer asked.

The vet, a third generation OSU graduate, said, "Bud, I'm a Buckeye, and I've been listening to assholes sing that song all of my life!!"
 
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One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"
 
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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
 
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ScriptOhio said:
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
 
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly, he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me...but he went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place, just down the beach.

They were at her apartment and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach, all the way to his condo. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all the way down the stairs!

Just then the door opened, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he'd been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
 
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