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Best Jokes

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Golf Joke

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom ... HaHa! I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her ... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?" asked the hitman.

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the irate husband impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "She's kneeling down in front him ... I think I can save you a grand here..."
 
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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!" she says.

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."
 
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:biggrin: :biggrin: The magic mirror;
A husband and wife were deeply involved in antiques. One Day the wife was browsing an old shop she had chanced upon. She said to herself she would just kill some time.
As she browsed she noticed a very old full lentgh mirror on the wall and was intrigued by it. Upon asking, the owner told her the price was $5,000. OHH that's way too much she exclaimed. He explained that for the right people it was indeed "a magic mirror". No she said, thats too much and continued to browse. But her mind was drawn back again and again to the mirror until she had to admit that the mirror seemed to be actually calling to her.
Finally she could take no more and bought the mirror and took it home, where she hung it on the wall.
The woman began worrying that her hubby would be outraged over her purchase and started to drink and drink. She decided her only salvation was to prove the mirror held magic for her. So she stood in from of the mirror and said, " Mirror, mirror on the door , make my boobs a 44'
A flash and her bra burst and she was 44. She became estatic as she knew her husband would love her now and her mirror.
When her husband arrived home they made passionate love, and afterwards the husband asked her what she had done. She explained and he did become infuriated. He ranted and raved but nothing would break her story.
Finally he said that he would try the mirror and if it worked for him, he would forgive her. So he stood in front of the mirror and said "mirror, mirror on the door, make my pecker touch the floor"
and his legs fell off.
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
 
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US ARMY SOLDIER

A United States Army soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

 One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

 The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.....So, He sent me."
 
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NJ-Buckeye;615198; said:
A United States Army soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.....So, He sent me."
Click to expand...
this isn't a joke , It's RIGHT ON !!!!!
 
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral to it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories. Most of them were the usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or "don't count your chickens before they're hatched," variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.

"My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Helen, " he began. "Aunt Helen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bailout over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops! She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands! "

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f... away from Aunt Helen when she's been drinking"

 
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Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
 
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A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with an ice chest of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a crock of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to whistle for them to come back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"
 
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Bob's last will and testament provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Patty, turned to her friend. "Well, I'm sure Bob would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Patty. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Patty answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Mary computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it ?!"

"Two and a half carats."
 
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Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on,man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif][FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif][FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.[/FONT][/FONT]
[/FONT]
 
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Two old ladies, Mabel and Maude, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

"What the hell is that?" asks Maude.

"A condom," replies Mabel. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" asks Maude.

"You can get them at any drugstore," says Mabel.

The next day, Maude hobble herself into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at Maude kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.



"Doesn't matter, Sonny," says Maude, "as long as it fits on a Camel."


:biggrin:
 
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A guy sitting at the bar starts crying over his beer. The bartender comes over and asked the gentlemen if he was ok. The guy replies that he is having problems with his mother-in-law. The bartender laughs, and says that everybody has problems with their mother-in-law. Whats your problem with your mother-in-law the bartender asks.
"well I got mine pregnant" the man replies.
 
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