Great jokes all. I've only made it to page 21, so please accept my apologies for any repeats.
A homeless man is walking down the street with one shoe on. As he walked, a police officer noticed him and asked, "Sir, did you lose a shoe?" "No," replied the man. "I found one."
***
In the woods, a bear is taking a crap. Along comes a little bunny who sees the bear and asks, "Hey there, big fella. Do you ever have trouble with crap sticking to your fur? I just can't stand when that happens!" "I know what you mean, little buddy," the bear replied. "So I have learned to improvise." And with that the bear picked up the rabbit, wiped his ass with it, and tossed it away.
***
A cop sees an old man sitting on a curb, crying. "Can I help you?" asks the cop. "I don't know....it's a long story," replied the old man. "Go ahead...tell me what the problem is," offered the police officer.
"Well," the man began, "I had a nice long life with my wife of 45 years. Last year she came down with cancer and was dead in 3 months." "That's horrible," said the officer.
"Then," he continued, "I met this beautiful, kind, sensitive girl of 18. We had a short courtship, got married, and she has been making mad passionate love to me every day since."
"Ok," the officer said, puzzled, "so what is the problem?" "Well," the old man responded, "I forget where I live."
***
Two Michigan rednecks are walking through the woods hunting for deer. At length they come to a wide open clearing in the woods. In the middle of this clearing there stands a beautiful blonde girl with not a stitch on, flashing them a come-hither look. The first redneck says, "Wow! Ma'am, are you game?" She says, "Boys...you KNOW I am!" So the second one shot her.
***
Three missionaries are doing the Lord's work deep in the Congo jungle. To their horror, they are taken captive by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibal chief says to them, "We give you choice...death or bunda." The first missionary thinks, death I know, but what the heck is bunda? "I take bunda," he says. So all the men of the tribe gather around him and abuse and penetrate him in every way possible, then release him.
The second missionary thinks, ok, bunda sucks, but at least I will live. "I take bunda," he declares. The natives repeat their behavior and release the second missionary.
The third missionary is enraged with moral indignation, steels himself for the ultimate end, and tells the chief, "You are all going to hell! I will never submit to this buggery! I take death!"
"Ahhhh", says the chief. "Death! By bunda!"
***
A man walks into a doctor's office with a iron wrapped around his neck, bruised about his face and chest. The doctor asks, "What the heck happened to you?" "Well," the man said, " I was golfing with my wife this morning. On a narrow fairway bordering a farm, we both hooked into the nearby pasture. We were frantically searching for our golf balls. Finally I notice something white on the back end of a cow. Approaching the cow, I lift its tail, and there it is...a golf ball with my wife's initials on it. I turn to my wife and yell, 'Honey...this looks like yours.' I don't remember much after that."
***
A man walks into a bar and sees a horse sitting at the bar with a bowl full of $5 bills in front of it. "I'll have a Coors Light," he says to the bartender. "And what's up with this horse and the bowl of $5s?" "Well," came the reply, "If you want to put a $5 in the bowl, you get to try and make the horse laugh. If you do, the money's yours." The man takes a drink, walks over to the horse and whispers into its ear. Suddenly the horse falls off the barstool laughing hysterically. The man takes his money and leaves.
A week later that same man enters the bar again. This time the horse is sitting at the bar with a bowl of $10 bills in front of it. "Another Coors Light?" the bartender asks, recognizing the man instantly. "Sure," said the man, "And what's the deal with the horse this time?" "Well," the bartender replied, "after you took the money last week, we changed the rules. Now you have to put $10 in the bowl and try to make the horse cry. If you do, the money's yours." "Ok," the man said, placing a $10 in the bowl. He took a drink of beer, then led the horse into the men's restroom. A minute later they emerged, the horse crying as if he'd lost his mommy. "Looks like you win again," the bartender said, giving the money to the stranger. "But tell us...how did you make the horse laugh hysterically last week and cry so hard this week?" The man answered, "Last week I told the horse I was hung better than he was. This week I proved it."
***
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? It's ass.
***
A trucker is driving down the road when he sees a man hitchhiking. As is his custom, he stops and picks the man up. A few miles later the hitchhiker pulls out a gun and orders the trucker to pull over. They enter the nearby underbrush where the hitchhiker orders the trucker to strip naked. He then ties the trucker's ankles and knees together, takes all his money and credit cards, and leaves the man to the elements. About two hours later, a patrolman drives by and sees the truck. Stopping, he notices footprints leading into the brush, so he follows the prints and finds the man. "Boy am I glad to see you!" the trucker exclaimed. "I picked up a hitchhiker, who pulled out a gun, brought me out here, stripped me down and took my money and credit cards!" "Well," said the police officer, unbuckling his belt as he approached the man, "I guess this just ain't your day!"
***
A man enters a plane, bound for a long trip. Looking down the aisle, he notices that an attractive woman occupies the seat next to his. "Finally!" he thinks to himself. "A decent looking woman and not some old hag who drools all over me." Taking his seat, he sees that the woman is engrossed in a book. "You know," he says to her, "they say if you talk during a long flight, it will make the time seem to fly." "Really?" she responded. "And what would you like to talk about?" she asked him. "How about nuclear physics?" he offered, eager to impress her with his intelligence. "That's fine," she replied, "but first I have a question for you." "Ok, what is it?" he asked. "Horses, deer, and cows all eat grass, right?" "Right," he said, puzzled by such an observation. "Well," she continued, "horses poop apples, deer poop pellets, and cows poop patties. Why is that?" The man was perplexed by this, having never considered it. "Why...I have absolutely no idea," he said. "Well," the woman said, returning to her book, "I will be goddamned if I am going to talk nuclear physics with a man who doesn't know shit!"
***
A man is lost at sea and finally washes up on a deserted island. As he makes his way around, he finally locates one other man, now somewhat old, who has been the only person on the island for 20 years. The old man takes the newbie under his wings and shows him how to survive on native plants and fish. Finally, his sexual urges get the best of him, and the newly stranded man asks the veteran, "What do you do here to take care of your sexual urges?" "Well," said the older man, "on the other side of the island there's a large group of monkeys. I just go over to their area, take one, and have my way with it." "Yuck," said the young man, "that's disgusting." "Suit yourself," the old man said, "but you're going to be here a long, long time." The months go by, and finally the new man cannot take it any longer. "Ok," he relents, "take me to the monkeys." So the old guy takes him to the other side of the island and up a large hill. "There they are down there," he said, "just go and pick one out," he instructed. So down the hill the young man goes, chases down a monkey, and eventually satisfies his physical needs. Upon returning, he finds the old man rolling on the ground, laughing his ass off. "Why you bastard!" he shouted. "You told me you did this all the time!" "I do! I do!" said the old man, "but you picked the ugliest monkey in the bunch!"
***
Three engineers are enjoying a cup of coffee. The first is an electrical engineer, the second a computer engineer, and the third a civil engineer, and they are arguing that God must be an engineer in the respective discipline of each's own area of engineering. "Surely God is an electrical engineer," said the first. "When you consider the electrical impusles that guide the brain, the muscles, the nerves, the body cannot function without them." "I grant you that," said the computer engineer. "But without the ability to store and use information, whether consciously or subconsciously, the brain could not know what impulses to send or where to send them." "You both bring up good points," replied the third, "but let's face it...only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area!"
***
A very liberal feminist woman walks outside her house on a brutally hot day. Across the street she notices a man sitting in a lawn chair with an ice cold beer in his hands as his wife mows the lawn, all dirty and drenched in sweat. The feminazi watches in complete indignation. Finally her anger gets the best of her, she storms across the street and yells at the man: "You should be ashamed! Sitting there with a cold beer in your hands on a day like today while your wife drags that mower across the lawn! Why...why....you should be HUNG!"
To which he replied, "I am. Why do you think she's doing it?"
