• New here? Register here now for access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Plus, stay connected and follow BP on Instagram @buckeyeplanet and Facebook.

Best Jokes

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting, golfing or fishing with his buddies."
 
Upvote 0
TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that,at the age of 59,he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
 
Upvote 0
East Lansing, MI.-- A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Michigan courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to John L. Smith , whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.
 
Upvote 0
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
 
Upvote 0
Amazing Home Remedies

We all have received so many wonderful self help items in case of different medical emergencies, but these are some of the most practical ones yet.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT..... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
 
Upvote 0
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for
about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired
and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling
better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest
town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back
into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse
and give it back when I reach the town?"



The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this
horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make
it stop."



Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."



So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts
walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts
trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank
God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything
he can to make the horse stop.



"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"



Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"



The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back
in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
 
Upvote 0
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good:Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
 
Upvote 0
Subject: FW: ShoweringHOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper accordingTo lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note -- Must do more sit-ups.Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, Wide loofahand pumice stone.Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with Natural avocado oil.Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get It waxed instead.Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the Water pressure.Turn off the shower.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.Check entire body for the remotest sign of zit, tweeze hairs.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towelon head.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them In a pile.Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to seeIf you have pecs (no).Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass. Fart.Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't useone). Wash your face.Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, then Let the water just rinse it off.Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.Pee (in the shower).Rinse off and get out of the shower.Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging Out of the tub the wholetime.Partially dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles,Admire wiener size again.Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. LeaveBathroom fan and light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, andMake the "woo-woo" sound again. Throw wet towel on the bed. Get dressed in under two minutes. Fart
 
Upvote 0
Best Buckeye;642056; said:
Subject: FW: ShoweringHOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper accordingTo lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note -- Must do more sit-ups.Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, Wide loofahand pumice stone.Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with Natural avocado oil.Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get It waxed instead.Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the Water pressure.Turn off the shower.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.Check entire body for the remotest sign of zit, tweeze hairs.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towelon head.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them In a pile.Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to seeIf you have pecs (no).Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass. Fart.Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't useone). Wash your face.Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, then Let the water just rinse it off.Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.Pee (in the shower).Rinse off and get out of the shower.Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging Out of the tub the wholetime.Partially dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles,Admire wiener size again.Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. LeaveBathroom fan and light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, andMake the "woo-woo" sound again. Throw wet towel on the bed. Get dressed in under two minutes. Fart
Click to expand...


:slappy: :slappy: :slappy:
 
Upvote 0
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all die.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water And pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Kelly, What seems to be the rush ?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her @$$ in it."
 
Upvote 0
4dz10t2.jpg
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top