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Best Jokes

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry
me?"

The Princess said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated
skinny, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and
raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and
drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and
never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his
house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew
enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all
his friends and family thought he was friggin’ cool as hell and he had
tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.
 
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A small zoo in Mississippi obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Carefully considering their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?
Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She’s gotta wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper readily agreed to this condition too.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper said "okay".
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want the kid raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.
 
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A man got stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of shit!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
 
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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,

“I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.

"Stupid American docttah, always want opawate.

Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor.

"Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”
 
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For obvious reasons this is one of the best jokes of the year....

NFL will publicly admit error on key non-call in Rams-Saints
Though it won’t matter much to the Saints and their fans, the NFL will acknowledge the obvious.
Per a league source, the NFL intends to admit that the non-call at the end of regulation in the Rams-Saints NFC title game was indeed an error.

Presumably, the league won’t say anything about it during the AFC title game, in order to avoid overshadowing in any way the Chiefs-Patriots contest. But a public concession that a foul should have been called when Rams defensive back Nickell Robey-Coleman hit Saints receiver Tommylee Lewis early is indeed coming.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/nf...non-call-in-rams-saints/ar-BBSwdKz?li=BBnb7Kz
 
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife, "Don't Ernest!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
 
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A little boy is standing at the edge of a cliff crying.

A man walks up and asks, "What's wrong?"

The little boy says, "See that smashed car down there? My mom and dad were in it. I jumped out before it went over the edge but my mom and dad didn't and now they are dead. And I have no way to get home."

The man looks at the boy, pulls down his zipper and says, "I guess this isn't your day."
 
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Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was sitting in his seat, screaming hysterically.


One of the paramedics tried to calm him. “Take deep breaths and pull yourself together. Be thankful that at least you haven’t gone through the windshield like your passenger,” and he pointed at a girl lying unconscious by the side of the road. “She looks in a really bad state.”


Still crying uncontrollably, the driver yelled: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”
 
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LitlBuck said:
Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was sitting in his seat,

One of the paramedics tried to calm him. “Take deep breaths and pull yourself together. Be thankful that at least you haven’t gone through the windshield like your passenger,” and he pointed at a girl lying unconscious by the side of the road. “She looks in a really bad state.”


Still crying uncontrollably, the driver yelled: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”
Click to expand...

Shades of the world according to garp
 
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A winter storm is battering New England (which is more than we can say for the Rams) and in the home of an elderly couple local TV programming calls for everyone to park their cars on the even numbered side of the street to facilitate plowing.

An old man rises from his chair and goes out to move his car.

The next night the storm continues and everyone is asked to park their cars on the odd numbered side of the street.

The old man reluctantly obliges.

The following night the storm is at its worst but just as the newscaster says "we are asking everyone to park..." the power goes out.

The old man turns to his wife and asks "What should I do? Odd? Even? I just don't know?"

"Well," she replies, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage tonight."
 
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Jenny, a blonde girl, came skipping home from school one day.


"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all

The other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.


"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.


... The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today,

And all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.

See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"


"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"


"Yes, it's because you're blonde."


The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,

And when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.


"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
 
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All of George's friends at the nursing home decided to pitch in and buy him a prostitute to celebrate his 100th birthday.


That night he hears a knock at his door. When he answers it there is a beautiful brunette with an incredible body. She opens her robe to reveal her perfect breasts.


She tells him, "I'm here to offer you super sex"


Scratching his head, George thinks for a moment the replies.


"I, I, I think I'll take the soup"
 
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