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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Love the ending!
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a $10 check. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will.. if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a $10 check. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will.. if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.
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LitlBuck
Kevin Warren is an ass
A young couple wanted to get married Catholic, and she was Catholic but he wasn't. When they asked the priest to marry them he said that he wanted the couple to go three months without sex to prove they were willing to sacrifice for the church. After the first month the priest asked them if they had kept their pledge.
Man: "Yes, father. It hasn't been easy, but we haven't had any sex over the past month."
A month later the Good Father asked them again.
Man: "Father, I cannot lie to you. It hasn't been easy, but yes we have kept our vows and have not had sex."
Finally, once the third month was over they met with the priest again.
Priest: "So, did you maintain your vow of celibacy for the entire three months?"
Man: "Father, I must confess. We tried really, really hard. We made it right up until the last day. And then I saw her bending over reaching into the freezer and .. oopphhh .. I gave it to her right there."
Priest: "Son, I'm sorry, but I cannot let you into the Catholic Church."
Man: "That's OK. They won't let us in Giant Eagle anymore either."
Man: "Yes, father. It hasn't been easy, but we haven't had any sex over the past month."
A month later the Good Father asked them again.
Man: "Father, I cannot lie to you. It hasn't been easy, but yes we have kept our vows and have not had sex."
Finally, once the third month was over they met with the priest again.
Priest: "So, did you maintain your vow of celibacy for the entire three months?"
Man: "Father, I must confess. We tried really, really hard. We made it right up until the last day. And then I saw her bending over reaching into the freezer and .. oopphhh .. I gave it to her right there."
Priest: "Son, I'm sorry, but I cannot let you into the Catholic Church."
Man: "That's OK. They won't let us in Giant Eagle anymore either."
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A woman who is three months pregnant fall into a coma and wakes six months later just after giving birth. She asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor tells her, "Actually you were carrying twins, a girl and a boy, and both are doing fine."
"Oh", she exclaims, "now I need to think of two names."
The doctor replies, "That's OK, your brother named them for you before you awoke from your coma."
"Oh no, not my brother!", she says. "He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?"
"Denise", said the doctor.
"That's not bad", she said with a tone of relief. "What did he name the boy?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."
The doctor tells her, "Actually you were carrying twins, a girl and a boy, and both are doing fine."
"Oh", she exclaims, "now I need to think of two names."
The doctor replies, "That's OK, your brother named them for you before you awoke from your coma."
"Oh no, not my brother!", she says. "He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?"
"Denise", said the doctor.
"That's not bad", she said with a tone of relief. "What did he name the boy?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE!- I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man.'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
''Go away!'' said the old lady.''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
''And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
"The old lady stepped back and said, "Well,let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!"
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man.'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
''Go away!'' said the old lady.''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
''And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
"The old lady stepped back and said, "Well,let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a-table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and "7" inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter, and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
His note read: "Just to let you know that things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello,a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. "But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the f.....g wine back."
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and "7" inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter, and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
His note read: "Just to let you know that things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello,a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. "But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the f.....g wine back."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
SEX AT 73
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your
call, you are one of the changes.."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses..
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going
anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your
call, you are one of the changes.."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses..
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going
anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
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Looking forward to my 50th wedding anniversary and a nice long trip to go with it. On our 25th I took her to China, so this year i plan to go back and see if I can find her
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Ordering a Pizza
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook,Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook,Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.
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I had been dating this girl for a while. One night we go out and i start to make my move and she stops me. Sorry, she says, I just went to my gynecologist and he says I am not supposed to have sex for two weeks.
Oh, OK, I replied.
What are you hearing from your dentist?
Oh, OK, I replied.
What are you hearing from your dentist?
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
FOR LEXOPHILES
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A 10 year old girl asks her mom; "Mommy, how was I born? "
The mom smiled and replied:"Once upon a time daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed.
Daddy sowed the seed carefully and I took care of it every day.
After a while the seed started to grow, and it got bigger and bigger.
In a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we had sex without a condom! "
Gets you all choked up doesn't it ...
The mom smiled and replied:"Once upon a time daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed.
Daddy sowed the seed carefully and I took care of it every day.
After a while the seed started to grow, and it got bigger and bigger.
In a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we had sex without a condom! "
Gets you all choked up doesn't it ...
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