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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
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Just to clarify - I would much prefer to put my head up Jax ass, but you take what you can get.
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Drubuck
What time is it?
This is a joke I told at Thanksgiving when I was 10 years old and my Great Grandmother (RIP) loved it. My Pop-pop spanked my ass.
What is Moby Dicks grandfather's name?
Papa Boner
Also, Tim got suspended from school in 11th grade for having sex with his English teacher.
His mom picked him up from school after hearing what had happened disgusted "Just wait until I tell your father."
Tim is scared about dad's response as dad comes home.
Tim tells his story scared shitless.
Dad has a smile on his face, "I'm proud son. You did what all kids want. Fuck a teacher. Your birthday is next week. How about an early present?"
Tim can't believe his luck as they pull into a bike shop for a dirt bike he always wanted.
Dad buys the bike and tells Tim to take a test ride.
Tim replies, "I can't. Sorry dad, but my ass still hurts"
What is Moby Dicks grandfather's name?
Papa Boner
Also, Tim got suspended from school in 11th grade for having sex with his English teacher.
His mom picked him up from school after hearing what had happened disgusted "Just wait until I tell your father."
Tim is scared about dad's response as dad comes home.
Tim tells his story scared shitless.
Dad has a smile on his face, "I'm proud son. You did what all kids want. Fuck a teacher. Your birthday is next week. How about an early present?"
Tim can't believe his luck as they pull into a bike shop for a dirt bike he always wanted.
Dad buys the bike and tells Tim to take a test ride.
Tim replies, "I can't. Sorry dad, but my ass still hurts"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The Lexus Mechanic and The Cardiologist
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $78,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic ... "Try doing it with the engine running.”
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $78,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic ... "Try doing it with the engine running.”
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Dating 1959
(You may need to be able to remember the 50’s era to really enjoy this….)
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1959 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…"
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!”
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
“THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
(You may need to be able to remember the 50’s era to really enjoy this….)
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1959 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…"
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!”
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
“THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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So, a wealthy guy decides to get married. He is involved with 3 women. He gives each of them $5000 and asks each what they will spend it on
The first one says "I will spend it all on you". "New golf clubs, tickets to the big game, and some fine liquor"
The second one says "I will spend it all on me". "Get my hair done, nails done, new clothes, jewelry so I can look my best for you"
The third one say "I'll spend half of it on me, and the other half on you"
Which one did he decide to marry?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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The one with the biggest tits.
The first one says "I will spend it all on you". "New golf clubs, tickets to the big game, and some fine liquor"
The second one says "I will spend it all on me". "Get my hair done, nails done, new clothes, jewelry so I can look my best for you"
The third one say "I'll spend half of it on me, and the other half on you"
Which one did he decide to marry?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The one with the biggest tits.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, "Yes”
Jacob says, "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
The Pharmacist: "Of course we do.”
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: "All kinds.”
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: "Definitely.”
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”
Pharmacist: "You bet!”
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?”
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?”
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.”
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: "We sure do.”
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: "Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry
The pharmacist answers, "Yes”
Jacob says, "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
The Pharmacist: "Of course we do.”
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: "All kinds.”
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: "Definitely.”
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”
Pharmacist: "You bet!”
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?”
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?”
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.”
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: "We sure do.”
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: "Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Girl's Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you..''
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you..''
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Drubuck
What time is it?
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole!?”
“Because…..he’s thinking of getting married."
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole!?”
“Because…..he’s thinking of getting married."
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