• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!

Best Jokes

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
The Marriage Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

:biggrin:
 
Upvote 0
Grandma's Boyfriend...

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
 
Upvote 0
Eat Worms


Eat Worms
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
Going to the garden, eat worms
Big ones little ones,
ushy gooshy gooshy ones
Worms that like to squirm.
Bite their heads off,
suck their juice out
Throw their skins away.
You'd be surprised how many little worms
You can eat three times a day.


Burp !
 
Upvote 0
Best Buckeye;1149097; said:
Eat Worms


Eat Worms
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
Going to the garden, eat worms
Big ones little ones,
ushy gooshy gooshy ones
Worms that like to squirm.
Bite their heads off,
suck their juice out
Throw their skins away.
You'd be surprised how many little worms
You can eat three times a day.


Burp !
Click to expand...

You're no Shel Silverstein.
 
Upvote 0
Best Buckeye;1149097; said:
Eat Worms


Eat Worms
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
Going to the garden, eat worms
Big ones little ones,
ushy gooshy gooshy ones
Worms that like to squirm.
Bite their heads off,
suck their juice out
Throw their skins away.
You'd be surprised how many little worms
You can eat three times a day.


Burp !
Click to expand...

"What color is a burp? Burple!"
 
Upvote 0
Just in time for football season? Football finally makes
sense!
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied," especially the cute
guys with all the big muscles; but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
?Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!"
Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!"
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
Why even bother having to vote

A simplistic way to look at it; compliments of a Danish friend.

"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you Yanks are even bothering to hold an presidential election.

On one side you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and you also have a lawyer who is married to a lawyer who is a bitch.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there really a contest here?"
 
Upvote 0
A woman tells her sister that she wants to get breast implants. Her sister quickly tells her it is a bad idea and that she should try a Dr. Johnson. Dr. Johnson gives the woman a non-surgical solution. Every morning she has to rub her breasts together and say, "scooby, Dooby, Dooby I want bigger boobies." After the first week she goes from a small B cup to a small C cup. So she starts doing this every day for months. Well one day she's running late for work and forgets to do her excercises so right in the middle of her bus to work she says, "scooby, dooby, dooby I want bigger boobies" as she rubs her breasts together. A man in front of her overhears her, he turns and asks her, "Are you a patient of Dr. Johnson." She answers, "yes, how did you know?" He looks at here and says "Hickery Dickery Dock!"
 
Upvote 0
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some moron has stolen our tent."
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
Two guys are walking down the beach one a OSU fan, one a scUM fan. The scummer trips over a lamp, he rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tell him he has to split his three wishes with the Buckeye fan. The Buckeye being the great guy he is, tells the scUM fan to take the first two. The scUM fan asks that all scUM fans in the world be put in tsun. Then asks that all Buckeye fans be kicked out of tsun. So that tsun was nothing but scummers. For his second wish he asks that a 30 foot wall be put around tsun so that none of the Buckeyes could get back in. The genie grants the wishes and the scUM fan disappears. The Buckeye fan looks at the genie and says "all the scUM fans are in tsun surrounded by a wall." The genie says "Yes." The Buckeye fan says, "Fill the fucker up with water."
 
Upvote 0
mercer_buckeye;1151335; said:
Two guys are walking down the beach one a OSU fan, one a scUM fan. The scummer trips over a lamp, he rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tell him he has to split his three wishes with the Buckeye fan. The Buckeye being the great guy he is, tells the scUM fan to take the first two. The scUM fan asks that all scUM fans in the world be put in tsun. Then asks that all Buckeye fans be kicked out of tsun. So that tsun was nothing but scummers. For his second wish he asks that a 30 foot wall be put around tsun so that none of the Buckeyes could get back in. The genie grants the wishes and the scUM fan disappears. The Buckeye fan looks at the genie and says "all the scUM fans are in tsun surrounded by a wall." The genie says "Yes." The Buckeye fan says, "Fill the fucker up with water."
Click to expand...

If they built a wall around TSUN, how would they field a team each year?
 
Upvote 0
"The Pharmacist"

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."
 
Upvote 0
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she Probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No, but I would sure like to..." , excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night..." And we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake . . . . . . .?
 
Upvote 0
A F-16 comes across a C-130 one day while on a training run.

The F-16 pilot decides to show off a bit. He radios the C-130 and says- Hey check this out.

He proceeds to do a few barrel rolls, a split S, etc...

He then radios the C-130 pilot and says I'd like to see you try that.

The C-130 radios back for the pilot to check this out.

For the next 5 minutes his plane flys perfectly straight.

The C-130 pilot radios the F-16 pilot and asks what he thought.
The F-16 pilot replies, Thought of what you didn't do anything.

The C-130 pilot replies, Oh really, I just got up, stretched my legs, walked around, got a cup of coffee and returned to my seat. I'd like to see you try that.
 
Upvote 0
Dangerfield


  1. My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
  2. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
  3. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
  4. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top