Airport annoyances

[Zurp]

I'm not a big plane chatter, but it would probably help to casually mention it's your first flight if you see some kind faces around. Everyone's a friend during takeoff.

Once you're at cruising altitude, though, it's every man for himself. The beverage cart comes down the aisle, and if you don't jump out into the aisle to block it, someone else will, and no drinks for you. And even if you do stop the cart, you should probably do what you can to defend it. Even the ones you thought were kindly grandmothers on the ground will show off some really nice karate moves that you would have though were impossible. But remember that you're cruising around 105,000 feet - that's about 200 feet below the "edge of space". Yeah - 200 feet higher and the plane will never be able to return to the earth. Either that or the engines will stall out and you'll crash. Oh - back to my point. The kindly grandmothers can show off their martial arts because of the low gravity - if you're 175 pounds on the ground, you'll be as light as 170 pounds in the air. You may think those 5 pounds wouldn't feel like much, but they do.

Once you're up there, a few things will make a big difference in comfort and get you there feeling better. Planes can be cold, especially around leg space and windows, so a warm sweatshirt to use as a throw or a pillow helps. Plan to buy some water in the terminal so you don't get dehydrated. The white noise is wearying, so bring some good headphones and music. Ear pressure probably won't be an issue, but since it's your first flight, grab a pack of gum. The iPad should be a pretty good distraction... reading or sleeping make for the fastest trips.

Leave your ginsu knives at home. The security tends to get a little nervous about it. And if your excuse for having 12 of them is "just in case", it probably won't make your life any easier. Don't hide anything up your ass, either. Not because they'll look there (they might, though), but because that just seems uncomfortable.
Also, never mention the word "bomb". They made a movie about a guy who did that. He also let his girlfriend's cat outside and it wasn't an outside cat and it got lost. I think he broke his girlfriend's sister's nose, too.

Anyway, seriously, the gum thing is vital. I never fly anywhere without gum.
Also, you might want to plan bathroom breaks so that you DON'T need to use the one on the plane. Tiny bathroom and if there is any turbulence it'll be like aiming at a moving target from a moving platform. The guy before you probably peed on the faucet and on all the little soaps, too.
Are you tall? Hope for a magical upgrade to first class or the emergency row. I'm 6'3" and always come away with numbness below the knees.
And I realize people like to be comfortable and recline their chairs, but don't do it. Just don't, unless there is no one behind you. Or that person is short. When you recline, you make what is already too small for someone to breathe and halve it. Plus, his already cramped legs are now going to be destroyed by your "comfortable" reclined position. If the guy in front of you reclines, just grab the sweatshirt that Deety recommended you bring and smother him with it. It'll be worth the 7 hours of "discussions" with the FBI when you land to have those 2 inches of leg space.
When the attendants ask you to put your electronics away, do it. They PROBABLY don't screw with their instruments, but do you really want to get in that fight (and lose)?

Also, look for aliens. It's the best chance you'll get. :p

Good call, Deety. Some of the weirdest looking "people" will be on the plane with you. Check them out. It's usually pretty funny.

 

[Mike80]

I get to experience flight for the first time next month. Paid trip to California for work. Food, hotel, plane ticket, drinks all paid for. Sounds awesome, except that I'm terrified of heights and fear not being in control. I'm buying an iPad tomorrow to keep my thoughts away from death and altitude, and taking something to relieve my anxiety before the flight. Can't fucking wait!

Any tips?

Question - do you get sick or dizzy in the back of a car or on a boat?

Best thing you can do, show up plastered so they don't let you board, then you have to rent a car and drive it. Ok ok, I made that up, but I get very motion sick and I fucking hate flying for that, but otherwise it's a hell of a thrill.

Best thing you can do is NOT look out the windows when the plane is banking or when it's landing for your first time. You will get freaked out if you have issues about not being in control.

 

[Fungo Squiggly]

Keep yourself distracted. Read, play games on your phone, anything that requires your full attention.

I only get really antsy when I let myself think about what's going on.

I also remind myself that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what's going on (I almost wrote "about what's going down" but that seemed cruel), so it's not worth worrying about. That helps.......sometimes.

 

[fanaticbuckeye]

Keep yourself distracted. Read, play games on your phone, anything that requires your full attention.

I only get really antsy when I let myself think about what's going on.

I also remind myself that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what's going on (I almost wrote "about what's going down" but that seemed cruel), so it's not worth worrying about. That helps.......sometimes.

Agreed with everything except just not worrying about it. My brain is far too active to just relax so I have to be distracted. I wish I could do that. Two LI ice teas before I board is my gameplan.

I don't know what it is about flying, it just makes me uncomfortable every time. I've read all of the stats and learned about turbulence and very other advice I have been given. I just have some mental problem getting past my anxiety of flying. The thing is, I fly 4-6 times a year so it's not like I am unfamiliar with the experience. So I go with alcohol ( if I can) and a strategy game on the iPad to keep me occupied.

 

[Fungo Squiggly]

Agreed with everything except just not worrying about it. My brain is far too active to just relax so I have to be distracted. I wish I could do that. Two LI ice teas before I board is my gameplan.

I don't know what it is about flying, it just makes me uncomfortable every time. I've read all of the stats and learned about turbulence and very other advice I have been given. I just have some mental problem getting past my anxiety of flying. The thing is, I fly 4-6 times a year so it's not like I am unfamiliar with the experience. So I go with alcohol ( if I can) and a strategy game on the iPad to keep me occupied.

I'm with you - that's why I added "sometimes." I flew back from Midway in December a couple years back -- after a delay while they de-iced the wings. There wasn't enough booze on the plane to get me settled down for that flight.

 

[fanaticbuckeye]

I'm with you - that's why I added "sometimes." I flew back from Midway in December a couple years back -- after a delay while they de-iced the wings. There wasn't enough booze on the plane to get me settled down for that flight.

I hear ya, in 2003 I was flying from Miami to Newark. Our plane was delayed 5 hours because of "engine troubles", when we finally took off we climbed to about 10,000 feet and turned around for an emergency landing. When we landed there were fire trucks everywhere, the firetrucks were apparently just a precaution and i don't even remember what the reason for the landing was. That was a miserable night.

 

[ScriptOhio]

Also, you might want to plan bathroom breaks so that you DON'T need to use the one on the plane. Tiny bathroom and if there is any turbulence it'll be like aiming at a moving target from a moving platform. The guy before you probably peed on the faucet and on all the little soaps, too.

Which brings up a point, I like to take off my shoes and get comfortable in my seat. I usually have some "hospital style" booties to put on. Always wear shoes when going into the restroom. There is usually urine or "whatever" all over the restroom floor.

 

[OHSportsFan]

download podcasts and maybe even a movie rental before heading to the airport. Obviously pack headphones.

see if your airline offers wifi, usually for a small fee. Watching bwi show Taos' failboat how it's done is a great distraction. Plus if you start weeping uncontrollably you can keep us abreast of that news.

Movie rental? Weeping? Numby?

 

[3074326]

Good idea. If I start crying uncontrollably when we hit turbulence, I can blame it on the movie.

I'm loading the iPad up with metal and movies. I'm going to read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy too. There will not be a second of me thinking about the situation.

Got my plane tickets today though.. I depart from Columbus at 6:25 am, arrive in Dallas at 8:10 am.. then don't depart there until 12:30ish. Fucking shit.

Also, I'm going to get some pills. I might become addicted to various painkillers and relaxers in less than two weeks.

 

[Deety]

And I realize people like to be comfortable and recline their chairs, but don't do it. Just don't, unless there is no one behind you. Or that person is short. When you recline, you make what is already too small for someone to breathe and halve it. Plus, his already cramped legs are now going to be destroyed by your "comfortable" reclined position. If the guy in front of you reclines, just grab the sweatshirt that Deety recommended you bring and smother him with it. It'll be worth the 7 hours of "discussions" with the FBI when you land to have those 2 inches of leg space.

I like to put my hands up when someone reclines so it only goes a few inches and they think that's as far as it will go. If they look back, give the "I dunno, you broke it?" look. If they are suspicious and try again, it's fully appropriate to slam that thing back into fully upright and locked position and give the "I dunno, you lose?" look.

 

[Taosman]

I like to put my hands up when someone reclines so it only goes a few inches and they think that's as far as it will go. If they look back, give the "I dunno, you broke it?" look. If they are suspicious and try again, it's fully appropriate to slam that thing back into fully upright and locked position and give the "I dunno, you lose?" look.

Confession is good for the soul. But it sounds like your a habitual "hands up" type. I would never do such a devious, inhumane thing! :susp:

I'm slipping one of these

GG&G 1280 Battle Hawk Tactical Tomahawk​

into Deety's carry-on before her next flight. Because it's what Dejah Thoris would carry! :tongue2:

 

[muffler dragon]

Got my plane tickets today though.. I depart from Columbus at 6:25 am, arrive in Dallas at 8:10 am.. then don't depart there until 12:30ish. Fucking shit.

For a first time flyer, that amount of time actually isn't all that bad in Dallas. You'll have about 3 hours free, but it will afford you the opportunity to relax, eat something, and take your time finding your next gate. Dallas isn't a bad airport. You'll find some things to occupy your time.

 

[TheStoicPaisano]

I like to put my hands up when someone reclines so it only goes a few inches and they think that's as far as it will go. If they look back, give the "I dunno, you broke it?" look. If they are suspicious and try again, it's fully appropriate to slam that thing back into fully upright and locked position and give the "I dunno, you lose?" look.

If you don't want the person in front of you to make use of the seats as they were intended, pick a bulkhead or exit row.

If said person reclines and is then squirming around, that's one thing. But I'll be damned if I can't recline and try to get some rest on a flight.

 

[Zurp]

If you don't want the person in front of you to make use of the seats as they were intended, pick a bulkhead or exit row.

If said person reclines and is then squirming around, that's one thing. But I'll be damned if I can't recline and try to get some rest on a flight.

Ah ha - the "screw you - my beauty sleep is more important than you are" type.

Just kidding. If the guy in front of me reclines, I just think, "aw crap." Then I go on with the flight. It's already uncomfortable. They need to cram as many people in as possible or they don't make money. It'll all be over in a few hours.

Then comes the best part - hoping your luggage made it to the same place you did. (Hint: see if you can put all your luggage in a carry-on bag.)

 

[TheStoicPaisano]

Ah ha - the "screw you - my beauty sleep is more important than you are" type.

Just kidding. If the guy in front of me reclines, I just think, "aw crap." Then I go on with the flight. It's already uncomfortable. They need to cram as many people in as possible or they don't make money. It'll all be over in a few hours.

Then comes the best part - hoping your luggage made it to the same place you did. (Hint: see if you can put all your luggage in a carry-on bag.)

Ha no, but every row reclines, so that's a good way to get someone out of your lap (by screwing the row behind you).

Orlando is the worst for families bringing their life's possessions on board. If the airlines could figure out how to use the handhelds that take food orders to charge for extra carry-ons, we'd be better off.

(This is coming from someone who's flown ~400k over the past four years, so take it with a grain of salt.)