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The Legend of Chuck Norris

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Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing
Chuck Norris for every answer.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention
of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and
only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered
by Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris used to be an All-American baseball player in college. He was banned however from Major League Baseball when it became known that his blood is actually a steroid.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
 
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a guy so hard that all of his ancestors were completely wiped out of existence, thus rendering the subject of the kick non-existent. This ended the universe as we know it until Chuck's beard began it all anew.

Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
 
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Again proclaiming such a thing is just asking for a Roundhouse kick to the testes. He'll knock them right off. We only post the facts here people. Don't go making stuff up. We all know that Chuck would never even be in the same state as David Hasselhoff, let alone party with him.
 
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The heavens parted, the seas quieted, the earth stood still. From her womb, the goddess brought forth Chuck Norris, sired by the sun, as a gift to mankind. He layed upon the fertile soil under the crescent moon and immediately sprouted a beard. She spoke softly to the young child and said, "Go forth and roundhouse kick people in the face." So it was spoken, and so he does. Every now and then he also sells exercise equipment and wears awesome clothes.

Chuck Norris uses bleach as mouth wash.

Chuck Norris does not bathe with soap or water. His body naturally sweats Mr. Clean.

Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick his other leg.

Chuck Norris rarely has to leave his house. If he wants to go somewhere, he just tells it to "get the fuck over here".

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Chuck Norris invented time so that he would know when the last time he roundhouse kicked someone was.

For every hour a plane ride takes, Chuck Norris can get to the destination in that many steps.
 
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Chuck Norris went to college on an affirmative action scholarship. Nobody objected.

Chuck Norris is the reigning cock push-up champion of the world.

The Holocaust would have been so much worse if Chuck Norris hated Jews.

Chuck Norris made it to the finals of the World's Softest Punch Contest, and lost. The man who should have won is dead

Chuck Norris once ripped a man apart for calling his penis enormous. Everybody knows Chuck Norris' penis is gargantuan beyond mortal comprehension

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day

There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris paralyzed him from the waist down

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his grandmother in the mouth on Christmas morning. Socks again.

Chuck Norris once challenged God to a drinking contest. The result was the Gulf of Mexico.

When Chuck Norris plays "Guess Who", he doesn't ask any questions. He stares at his game board until all the pieces flip down in fright, except for one. And that one, without fail, is the person you chose.

Chuck Norris saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by swithing to Geico. But, feeling he could press his luck, he roundhouse kicked the insurance company to the face. He doesn't pay car insurance anymore.

Chuck Norris won't allow his children to be taught evolution at school. This wouldn't be a big deal, but he fathered 70% of people in the southern United States.

A kid once stole Chuck Norris' hat and ran into an apple orchard. Chuck Norris flew into such a rage that he accidentally invented apple sauce.

Chuck Norris does not have friends, only potential targets for his roundhouse to the face.

Chuck Norris's sperm are as big as eels

Chuck Norris is so bad, he takes a baseball bat into the bathroom with him incase he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.

The Virgin Mary saw Chuck Norris in her grilled cheese sandwich.

The "Chuck" in Chuck Norris is not short for Charles, it's short for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norria uses a live rattlesnake as a condom.

When Chuck Norris purchases anything he doesn't pay in money, he pays in death.

Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.

Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.

Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.

The Incredible Hulk" is the nick name for Chuck Norris's package.

Chuck Norris once took part in a Civil War reenactment. It was the bloodiest day in American history.

Chuck Norris drives a pickup truck upholstered in denim.

Chuck Norris came up with an idea for the perfect video game character. He was an Italian plumber from who gained special powers from mushrooms and stars. When he found out that Nintendo had beat him to the punch, Chuck Norris and Mothra destroyed a Nintendo factory. Then Chuck turned on Mothra and ate him.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
 
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Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror

Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

chuck norris has never farted. scientists fear that if he ever does, it will be the end of mankind.

When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.

Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”


sorry if there were any repeats...

And another slightly unrelated joke... Vin Diesel jumped in the water. Vin didn't get wet, the water got Vinned.
 
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I know this may be off topic, but here goes...

Mr. T is actually the result of a government experiment to create the world's most awesome person, there were 19 others created before him. Mr. C is now a personal injury lawyer and Mr. G was last seen being roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

If you could calculate the amount of pity generated by Mr. T every second, you could make infinity feel ashamed of being ridiculously small

Mr. T doesn't iron his shirt's. They flat themselves out of fear.

Ft. Knox is empty because the Gov't. realized it was safer to keep all the gold around Mr. T's neck.

When Mr. T decided to use his real name he discovered that people absolutely HATE being pitied by a guy named Carl.
 
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