• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!

Let's hear everyone's M*ch*g*n jokes... (merged)

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
Old jokes from the Dispatch

Jokes work on both sides of rivalry road
Monday, November 13, 2006
By Nick Chordas
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH
20061113-Pc-B8-1000.jpg
</IMG>


What do you get when you ask people to send in their favorite Ohio State-Michigan jokes? A lot more Wolverine walloping than Buckeye bashing. But, then, this is Buckeye country. (One e-mailer couldn?t bring himself to even type the word Michigan, going instead with mi . . . gan.)
Most of the cracks submitted by readers could go either way.
In fact, an Ohio State supporter and a Michigan fan sent in the same joke ? concerning a headon collision and a bottle of liquor ? with the punch line altered to suit each team.
Tit for tat
Q: How many Ohio State alumni does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : Three. One to screw it in and two to argue about how Woody would?ve done it.

Q : How many Michigan freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A : None. It?s a sophomore course.

Q : What did the Michigan grad say to the Ohio State grad?
A : "Welcome to McDonald?s. May I take your order?"

Q : How do you get a Michigan graduate off your front porch?
A : Pay for the pizza.

Q : What do you have when you have an Ohio State fan up to his neck in sand?
A : Not enough sand.

Q : What should you do if you find three Michigan fans buried up to their necks in cement?
A : Get more cement.

On the field
Q : How do you make Michigan cookies?
A : Put them in a big bowl and beat for three hours.

Q : What kind of car does Jim Tressel own?
A : A Lloyd Carr.

Q : Why should Michigan change its mascot to a possum?
A : Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q : Why did Ohio State replace the artificial turf at the ?Shoe with grass?
A : So the Michigan cheerleaders could graze.

Breaking news

? Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library? Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
? Did you hear about the fire at Michigan?s football dorm? It destroyed 20 books. The real tragedy: 15 of them hadn?t been colored yet.
? Did you hear that Lloyd Carr is dressing only 20 players on Saturday? The rest of the players will have to dress themselves.
? Did you hear that a Michigan football player was almost killed in a tragic horse-riding accident? He fell off and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse just in time.

Just plain mean
Q: What?s black and brown and looks good on an Ohio State fan?
A : A Doberman pinscher.

Q : What?s the difference between a Michigan fan and a carp?
A : One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.

Q : What?s the difference between an Ohio State opponent and a pothole?
A : Woody Hayes would try to avoid hitting potholes.

Q : Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A : On the Michigan campus. That?s the last place you would find a football player.

Q : What does an Ohio State player do after college?
A : Five to 10 years.

Q : What?s the No. 1 pickup line in a Michigan bar?
A : "Nice tooth."

Q : Four of the Great Lakes border Michigan. What keeps it from floating away and becoming an island?
A : Ohio sucks.

Q : What does the average Michigan student get on his SAT?
A : Drool.

Story time
One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was driving north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on. Miraculously, both drivers were uninjured. The Wolverine fan walked over to the Buckeye fan and said, "I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of rivals." The Buckeye fan thought for a moment and said, "You know, you?re absolutely right. We should be friends." The Buckeye fan then popped open his trunk and removed a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel?s. "I think this is another sign," the Buckeye fan said. "Let?s drink to our newfound friendship." The Wolverine fan agreed and sucked down half the bottle. He handed the bottle back to the Buckeye fan and said, "Your turn!" The Buckeye fan calmly twisted the cap back on the bottle and threw it over the bridge. "Nah, I think I?ll just wait for the cops to show up." Note: Reverse the fans? roles and replace Jack Daniel?s with Yukon Jack for the submitted Michigan-friendly version.

[email protected]
Click to expand...
 
Upvote 0
>
>What's the difference between the Michigan football team and Frosted
>Flakes?
>A. Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl
>
>
>Why do University of Michigan graduates keep their diplomas on their
>dashboard?
>A. So that they can park in handicapped spaces
>
>How do you make Wolverine cookies?
>A. Put them in a big bowl and beat them for three hours
>
>What do you have when you get 32 Michigan fans together?
>A. A full set of teeth.
>
>If a couple from Ann Arbor get a divorce, are they still brother and
>sister?
>
>Lloyd carr is on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
>tied 14 - 14 and prays for inspiration. He looks to the heavens and says
>"God what play should I call." God answers "throw a flat pass to the
>right". Lloyd calls the play and it is intercepted and returned all the
>way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looks to
>the heavens and says "God why did you call that play". God pauses and
>says "Hey Woody why did we call that play?"
>
>
>A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead
>halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than
>usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped
>cars. The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the
>team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself
>on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and the
>university has cut back on his recruiting budget. We're taking up a
>collection for him." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so
>far?" The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are
>still siphoning."
>
>A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The
>headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the
>sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How
>many is a Brazilian?"
>
>
>Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
>his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
>praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
>began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love,"
>she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
>tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to
>confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Every thing's all right, go to
>sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I have been a Michigan
>Fan all of my life!" "I know sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the
>poison work."
>
>
>You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a
>mass murderer, and a guy in a Michigan hat. You have gun with only two
>bullets remaining.
>
>Who do you shoot?
>
>The Michigan fan... twice.
>
>
>
****
>And the granddaddy of them all:
>
>Bo Schembeckler died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate.
>"It is so great to have you here Coach." St. Peter leads Bo to a nice
>little 2 bedroom ranch home painted maize and blue. Upon entering, Bo
>finds the house decorated in Michigan colors with "M"'s all over. St.
>Peter leads Bo to the nice backyard with patio. Bo looks up on the high
>hill above his new home and sees a giant mansion all decked out in
>Scarlet and Gray and a big Block "O" flag flying on the flag pole. Bo
>turns to St. Peter and angrily asks: "Why in the heck does Woody get
>such a big house and I get this little ranch house??" "Oh," says St.
>Peter, "that is not Woody's house, that is God's house."
 
Upvote 0
The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that The University of Michigan cannot have a live nativity scene this year. This is not because of religious or controversial issues. Apparently it seems to be impossible to find three wise men and a virgin at U of M. However, it does not seem to be a problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
 
Upvote 0
Michigan Jokes

Hey I think you guys will like these :osu:
MICHIGAN JOKES
It is late in the OSU-Michigan game on an overcast day.
Michigan has the ball on the OSU 3, with 2 seconds left, and down
14-10.
There is time for one more play.
Lloyd Carr calls timeout. As the team is coming to the sideline, Lloyd
looks to the heavens and says, "God - I've been a good man. A church
going
man. I've tried to do what's right and I've never asked you for
anything.
But, this is a big game and if I could get a little guidance, I would
be
forever grateful".
The clouds part, sun shines on Lloyd and he hears a voice bellow "I
Right
39 Pitch Trap".
Lloyd can't believe it! God himself gave him the play! It'll work for
sure.
The team comes to the sideline and Lloyd excitedly gives them the play.
The timeout ends and the teams come back on the field. Lloyd can
barely
contain his excitement - he's going to win.
Play resumes and the ball is snapped. The Michigan QB pitches to the
back.
For a split second, there's a hole - which is quickly filled by
Laurinaitis, who tackles the Michigan back short of the goal line.
Time expires and Ohio State players storm the field to celebrate.
Lloyd is in shock - he can't believe the play didn't work.
Lloyd looks to the heavens and cries, "God - why did you call THAT
play?"
God looks down, shrugs, turns to his right and says, "Woody - why did
we
call that play?"
GO BUCKS!
-------------------------
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear
a
Michigan joke?"
The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a Michigan Graduate. The guy
sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is a Michigan Graduate. The
guy
right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also a Michigan Graduate.
Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three
times".
~~~~
It was reported that the Michigan Football Coach Lloyd Carr will only
be
dressing 20 players for the Ohio State game this Saturday...the rest of
the
players will have to dress themselves!
~~~~
What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
Columbus: 187 Miles
~~~~
What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
Drool
~~~~
How do you get a Michigan Graduate off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza
~~~~
Four college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day: A OSU grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each
proclaimed to
be the most loyal fan of their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they
argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to
argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled himself
off
the mountainside shouting, "This is for the fighting Irish!" Not
wanting to
be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain
proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this, the OSU grad
walked over and shouted, "This is for the Buckeyes!"
and pushed the Michigan grad off the mountain.
~~~~
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with! a warm handshake and smile, gave him a
broom
and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store."
"But, I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I
even
played football there!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me
the
broom, I better show you how."
~~~~
Two Michigan football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying
on
campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart
one
said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only
took
them two months. "Two months?!" exclaimed the bartender.
The Wolverine proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4 - 6 years!"
~~~~
A Wolverine football player was almost killed today in a tragic
horseback
riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to
death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out an unplugged the horse
just
in time.
~~~~
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery
when
they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Michigan graduate
and a
good man."
The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people
in
there?"
~~~~
Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking
about
the new rivalry starting with Jim taking over as the OSU head coach. As
they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer
inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp.
"Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did it.
"You will each get one wish," said the genie.
Lloyd offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the
entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever
get
in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high, and I want it
to
be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!"
The genie grants the wish to Lloyd and his is instantly whisked away to
his
new paradise.
The genie now tells ! Jim he'll grant him one wish. Jim says, "Fill it
up
with water."
~~~~
Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.
~~~~
What are the three longest years of a Michigan football player's life?
His freshman year.
 
Upvote 0
I didn't feel like reading the entire thread, so I hope this one hasn't been done:

Why do tsun aluws only require two pallbearers at their funerals?
Because there are only two handles on a trash can.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
scUM Jokes

I thought these were halarious. I cannot claim these as my own, but I just wanted to shares some. Some of these may be familiar to some, new to others.

Just for laughs: Jokes about Michigan

Q: What did the Michigan graduate say to the Ohio State graduate?
A: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: How do you make Wolverine cookies?
A: Put them in a big bowl and beat them for three hours.

Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?
A: You go north until you smell it and west until you step in it.
 
Upvote 0
What to marijuana and scUM have in common?

They are both smoked in bowls


Courtroom Drama
>
> Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin
> County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
> who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
> his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
> keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family
> unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
>
> The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
> more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
> the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
> cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder
> of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
> apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
> step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
>
> After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
> welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University
> of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
> beating anyone.
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top