LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
I owned a Llloyd Carr once... it kept breaking down. When I took it into the shop it kept blaming all the other cars for it's breakdown.
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- Thread starter DEBuckeye
- Start date
I owned a Llloyd Carr once... it kept breaking down. When I took it into the shop it kept blaming all the other cars for it's breakdown.
BuckeyeKid789
Guest
Michigan jokes
Lets make a thread for Michigan jokes in honor of Michigan week. Sorry if this is a re-post. I'll start it off:
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."
He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and says that the university has cut back on his recruiting budget, making it more difficult for him to sign quality players. We're taking up a collection for him."
The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
Lets make a thread for Michigan jokes in honor of Michigan week. Sorry if this is a re-post. I'll start it off:
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."
He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and says that the university has cut back on his recruiting budget, making it more difficult for him to sign quality players. We're taking up a collection for him."
The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
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BuckeyeKid789
Guest
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in Dublin, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?
A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this,
you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in Dublin, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?
A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this,
you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical came up--
fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really
good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him
for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took Little David
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
" No," said David, "He coaches for the Michigan Wolverines, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical came up--
fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really
good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him
for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took Little David
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
" No," said David, "He coaches for the Michigan Wolverines, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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ProudBuck67
Senior
In Heaven ......
Bo passes on and rises to heaven. When it is his turn to enter the pearly gates, God comes by and tells Peter he will handle this personally.
God shows Bo around heaven, showing him all the things there is to do and so forth. Finally, they arrive at Bo's house. It is a very nice cottage adorned in anything Meatchicken. Bo cannot thank God enough and he notices a house across the street. Now this house is a mansion with white pillars, statues, anything OHIO STATE, the whole nine yards... Bo then looks to God and says, I dont want to sound ungrateful, but why is Woody's house so much bigger than mine, I did after all beat him a few times? God looks at Bo and replies, "That's not Woody's house, that's MINE!"
GO BUCKS!
Bo passes on and rises to heaven. When it is his turn to enter the pearly gates, God comes by and tells Peter he will handle this personally.
God shows Bo around heaven, showing him all the things there is to do and so forth. Finally, they arrive at Bo's house. It is a very nice cottage adorned in anything Meatchicken. Bo cannot thank God enough and he notices a house across the street. Now this house is a mansion with white pillars, statues, anything OHIO STATE, the whole nine yards... Bo then looks to God and says, I dont want to sound ungrateful, but why is Woody's house so much bigger than mine, I did after all beat him a few times? God looks at Bo and replies, "That's not Woody's house, that's MINE!"
GO BUCKS!
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1998_OSU_Grad
Junior
Abuse
A child is taken in as a ward of the state due to the harsh abuse he has taken from his parents. At the child's placement hearing, the judge suggested the child go live with his aunt. The boy replied, "No, please Judge, she would beat me harder than my parents." The judge suggested several other family members. The boy replied similarly to each suggestion. Frustrated, the Judge asked, "Well, who do you want to have take care of you?" The boy replied, "The U of M Wolverines. They can't beat anybody!"
PS. If the attachment below comes through I'd like to thank whoever posted it orginally. If it doesn't - it's a pic of Lloyd at his charity "Carr Wash" with a huge grin on his face with the caption "Can I get your tires Mr. Tressel?" Cracks me up. If anyone has a better copy of this - please re-post.
A child is taken in as a ward of the state due to the harsh abuse he has taken from his parents. At the child's placement hearing, the judge suggested the child go live with his aunt. The boy replied, "No, please Judge, she would beat me harder than my parents." The judge suggested several other family members. The boy replied similarly to each suggestion. Frustrated, the Judge asked, "Well, who do you want to have take care of you?" The boy replied, "The U of M Wolverines. They can't beat anybody!"
PS. If the attachment below comes through I'd like to thank whoever posted it orginally. If it doesn't - it's a pic of Lloyd at his charity "Carr Wash" with a huge grin on his face with the caption "Can I get your tires Mr. Tressel?" Cracks me up. If anyone has a better copy of this - please re-post.
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1998_OSU_Grad
Junior
Can I get the Tires, Mr. Tressel?
Can I get the Tires, Mr. Tressel?
OK - so it's not technically a joke - but still makes me laugh.
Can I get the Tires, Mr. Tressel?
OK - so it's not technically a joke - but still makes me laugh.
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Noah's Ark had landed on Mount Ararat and, as the floods receded, the animals began to leave take to the land. Unfortunately, there were only the pairs of animals and they often did not know their names and so they were unhappy.
God is all merciful and they soon found a book with descriptions of each animal. And so, a group of animals set out to name each other and discover their identity.
"Hmmm. Let's see. You have long ears, a big fuzzy tail, and big back feet. And you run really fast, why I think you must be a jack rabbit." And the animals all agreed and Jack was as happy as could be.
"Let's see what you are long, thin friend. You have small beady eyes, a forked tongue and you look very slimy. Let's see, hmmmm. You can't run, can't pass, and you have no balls. Why, look here, you're a Michigan wolverine!"
God is all merciful and they soon found a book with descriptions of each animal. And so, a group of animals set out to name each other and discover their identity.
"Hmmm. Let's see. You have long ears, a big fuzzy tail, and big back feet. And you run really fast, why I think you must be a jack rabbit." And the animals all agreed and Jack was as happy as could be.
"Let's see what you are long, thin friend. You have small beady eyes, a forked tongue and you look very slimy. Let's see, hmmmm. You can't run, can't pass, and you have no balls. Why, look here, you're a Michigan wolverine!"
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Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my ass."
Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.
Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.
Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
Q. What did the Michigan graduate say to the Ohio State graduate?
A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"
Did you hear about the Wolverine fan who was so upset that the Buckeyes beat Michigan that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out his basement window?
It was reported that Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were destroyed. The football team was very upset because they hadn't colored in two of them yet.
Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus: 187 Miles
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my ass."
Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.
Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.
Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
Q. What did the Michigan graduate say to the Ohio State graduate?
A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"
Did you hear about the Wolverine fan who was so upset that the Buckeyes beat Michigan that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out his basement window?
It was reported that Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were destroyed. The football team was very upset because they hadn't colored in two of them yet.
Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus: 187 Miles
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