My favorite Trev story, it's your day Andy Geiger!
ESPN analyst Trev Alberts found dead
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<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>Nebraska, (AP) - After a bizarre police investigation, authorities confirmed Thursday that former Nebraska star Trev Alberts has passed away.
The nationally unrespected ESPN analyst was found at the bottom of an Alabama well on Wednesday, and after a 19-hour autopsy, Mobile police commissioner Yokum Cletus publicly came forward with the death announcement.
"It is still confusing, but I think we have finally pieced together what happened to Mr. Alberts," Cletus said.
The commissioner proceeded to use dozens of graphs and models to show gathered media the timeline that led up to Alberts' demise.
Alberts was vacationing alone in a farm outside of Mobile, Ala., when he noticed a chicken running past the porch. He started chasing the animal down the road, eventually coming to some train tracks.
"We have tape of the train's captain sounding the whistle for a good three minutes, but Mr. Alberts just stood on the tracks and waved," Cletus said. "The chicken got off the tracks, but I guess Alberts was just messed in the head."
While the crash would kill most people on impact, Alberts' brain did not process that he had been hit, and the former Cornhusker was simply thrown into a nearby river.
After being swept into an estuary, Alberts' questionable judgment continued.
"He climbed up one of those tall Alabama oak trees," Cletus said. "Then he tried to fly home."
Once again, Alberts miraculously survived, and continued on his doomed journey.
He staggered around in a cornfield for roughly nine hours, and by trample patterns, walked in circles for the entire time, until coming to the fateful irrigation well.
Mr. Alberts proceeded to jump into the well, falling to the muddy bottom 20 feet below.
There he sat for what police estimate to be two days.
"We would have found him pretty soon," Cletus said. "He would still be alive today if he hadn't made that deadly mistake."
Like most country boys, Alberts got hungry. He hit paydirt when a 3-lbs. rat fell down the well to join him.
But unfortunately for the biggest bust in NFL history, Alberts had never learned how to chew.
"When we found that big rodent lodged halfway down his esophagus with claws bared and all, I thought 'Damn, that has got to be the most painful way to die ever,'" Cletus said.
Scientists have since confirmed that it was indeed the most painful death on record.
Alberts leaves behind his wife, who has since remarried former Cornhusker Tommy Frazier, and two children, who immediately dropped the Alberts' name.
The one positive for the late Alberts is that he is now the proud owner of a body bag, giving him one more sack than he accumulated in his entire NFL career.
The Ass. Press
Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle's annual April Fool's Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical...in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don't call your lawyers.
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http://www.dailyutahchronicle.com/media/paper244/news/2005/04/01/Sports/Espn-Analyst.Trev.Alberts.Found.Dead-909892.shtml
