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Best Jokes

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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and
reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she
just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on
sale this week for only $20.00.

'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping
on the counter', she says. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell
it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around.

The clerk rings up the sale and says,

'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and
reel were on sale for $20...00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'
 
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What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38 and 48, 58 and 68?
At 8, you take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18, you tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28, you no longer need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38, she tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48, you tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58, you stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68, if you take her to bed, THAT will be the story!
 
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A blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and to grant you anything you wish."

"Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me. I am content. I need nothing."

"There must be something you would like," said God.

"Well, there is one thing."

"Name it," said God.

She frowned. "It's those blonde jokes. They're so demeaning, not just to me but to blondes everywhere. Can you stop them?"

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes are hereby stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But isn't there something I could do just for you?"

"Well, there's one thing. But it's really small and not worth Your time," she said.

"Tell me, please!" said God.

"It's the M&M's," she said. "They're so hard to peel!"
 
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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."



WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in

astonishment, mouths wide open.




He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
 
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An Alaskan Tale

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the ba d news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh no!", exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
 
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[FONT=&quot]Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.." [/FONT]
 
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A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 
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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend ? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, & if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes & threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,then turned & went straight to the front door.I opened the door & stepped out of the house & walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter."Welcome to the family!" The moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
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