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Best Jokes

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TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. NEW YORK LAWYER

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please.""What for?" says the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the [Mark May] out of the lawyer and says,"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

:biggrin:
 
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ScriptOhio;2052038; said:
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. NEW YORK LAWYER

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please.""What for?" says the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the [Mark May] out of the lawyer and says,"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

:biggrin:
Click to expand...

:slappy:
 
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This should be taken seriously!!!
Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers are considering the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
 
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Scottish Joke

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.



The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
​

 
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WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 
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A tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar,
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."
 
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Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other. They finally got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called "Yam." When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her.

On the other hand, she didn't intend to stay home and become a Couch Potato. She got plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. And she was careful to avoid those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and those greasers, the French Fries. She even avoided going out West, so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam didn't associate with snooty Yukon Golds or those loose ones who ride around in trucks labeled, "Frito Lay."

Yam went to Potato University so that, when she graduated, she'd be in the Chips. But then Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Al Michaels, Mr. and Mrs. Potato were devastated.

"You can't possibly marry Al Michaels," they cried. "He's just...he's just...just a...a common tater!"




Yeah, I groaned too.
 
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MightbeaBuck;2055262; said:
Yam went to Potato University so that, when she graduated, she'd be in the Chips. But then Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Al Michaels, Mr. and Mrs. Potato were devastated.

"You can't possibly marry Al Michaels," they cried. "He's just...he's just...just a...a common tater!"
Click to expand...
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8TRoMSG-5I"]Popeye - I Yam What I Yam - Robin Williams Shelley Duvall - YouTube[/ame]
 
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For all us old farts on here: and oh yeah, for Mili too.

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,



"That's us in 10 years".

He said, "That's a mirror, dip-[Mark May]!"

 
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .​


And furthermore​
​
​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN. '
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ARSE' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'
(cleaned up slightly for the workplace!)​
 
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Sure is dark in here

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 11-year old son comes home unexpectedly; he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband suddenly opens the front door and hollers he forgot to get his billfold.

She quickly ushersher lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy whispers, 'Sure is dark in here.'

The surprised man whispers back, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, as luck would have it, the boy and the lover wind up againin the closet together.

Boy: 'Sure is dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, how much?'

Boy: '$500'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$750.?

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Sure is dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in my closet now.?
 
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Alzheimer's Test:

How fast can you guess these words and fill in the blanks?

1. __ __NDOM

2. F__ __K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Answers:




1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong, didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a Pervert!
 
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TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
 
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


 
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ScriptOhio;2052038; said:
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. NEW YORK LAWYER

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please.""What for?" says the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the [Mark May] out of the lawyer and says,"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

:biggrin:
Click to expand...

I always like a 1983 story with a happy ending. :biggrin:
 
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