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Best Jokes

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the
Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish
community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won,
they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent
them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope
raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still
only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all
our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had
won.

"I haven't a clue" the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three
days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I
told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
 
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On the Pope's most recent visit to the US, he was transported from city to city in a regular limousine, to avoid attention. One night while riding in a limo with just himself and the driver, the Pope tapped on the glass divider. The driver lowered the partition and asked the Pope what he needed.

"I have a favor to ask.", said the Pope. "Please, let me drive, just for a little while. I never get to drive for myself anymore. It's one of the things I miss most of my former life."

The driver hesitated, but being a catholic could not refuse. He pulled over in a secluded spot where the switch would not be seen. After driving for only a few miles, the Pope ran a stop sign. A police officer saw this and pulled behind the limo with his lights flashing. The officer walked up to the driver's window and immediately recognized his Holiness.

"Just wait here for a moment", the officer said and went back to radio headquarters, telling them he needed to talk to the Captain of Police.

"Captain, I have a situation here and I'm not sure what to do. I just pulled over a limo and it's someone real big!"

"Christ, it's not the mayor, is it?", asked the Captain.

"No, sir. Bigger!"

Oh no, you didn't bust the governor, did you?"

"No sir, bigger."

"By God, don't tell me you pulled over the President?!?"

"No sir, bigger!"

"Bigger than the President? Well who the hell is it?"

"I don't even know who's in back, but the Pope is his driver!"
 
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that
I take her someplace expensive ...

so, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

******************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later. And the woman
said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me.' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little
things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .... he
was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM
NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....
 
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A San Francisco man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking
his willie, something she seemed to love doing.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing
that so much?'

She replied, 'Because I really really miss mine!'
 
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HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. ​
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United Statescrops and livestock. ​

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. ​

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. ​

Iranstill closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. ​

Francepleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! ​

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. ​

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. ​

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. ​

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. ​

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. ​

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico. ​


Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States. ​

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. ​

Massachusettsexecutes last remaining conservative. ​

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. ​

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. ​

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.​

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. ​

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
​
 
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General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
 
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One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was heading north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Michigan fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Buckeye fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
The Wolverine fan walks over to the Buckeye fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."
The Buckeye fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."
The Buckeye fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Wolverine, "I think this is another sign--we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Wolverine fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Wolverine fan hands it back to the Buckeye fan and says, "Your turn!"
The Buckeye fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."
 
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Bob was a die-hard Buckeye fan who lived near the Ohio/Michigan border. Whenever he was driving and saw a person walking along the road wearing UM colors, he would run off the road as if he were going to hit them, only to swerve back onto the road at the last second. One day he was driving along and saw a priest walking in the same direction. Bob pulled over and offered the priest a ride, which he graciously accepted. After a few miles, Bob saw a man walking along wearing a wolverines jacket. Out of habit, Bob veered off the road as if he was going to run the man over. When he turned back on to the road, there was a loud thud and Bob knew that he had actually hit the man. Bob turned white as a ghost and turned to the priest.

"Oh my God, Father, I'm so sorry. I could have sworn I'd missed him.", he said.

"Don't worry!", said the priest, "I got him with the door!"
 
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Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big,
I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks. ..............

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
 
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On Good Friday Jeus was praying in Gethsemane when God spoke to him and said "Tomorrow, my son, you will be sacrificed for the sins of humanity. I am going to give you a choice-crucifixion or being stung to death by bees."
Jesus replied "I think I'll take the bees".
The next evening, after he had died and went to heaven, Jesus goes storming over to God and says "What's up w/ the crucifixion-you promised me I would get the bees!!!"
God looks at him and says "Yeah, I know I promised you, but then I realized it would be really stupid to have everyone entering church for the next couple thousand years waving their arms over their head and screaming "AAAAAGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"".
 
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper
and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'


Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'


He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.


Stupid, stupid man.
 
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