1. A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE luxury boxes and now I have to tell about it in this FORUM.
In the PSU Game thread I mentioned that my son had landed tickets for he and myself in the luxury boxes - 40 yard line to be specific.
Well, there were no tickets. Turns out it was part of a bizarre scam that I wont go into in any detail because it involves my son.
The good news is that no money changed hands. And my daughter is absolutely delighted as she now gets everything when I die.
The really bad news for everyone on the planet is that it has prompted me to try my hand at another "Observations" post.
2. RECRUITING SOUTHERN FLORIDA
It was tough before, but chances there are almost zero now as we have to compete not only with Miami but another powerhouse only 8.4 miles away - walking distance if you will (just follow the white line as always when you are in the Miami area).
Mighty Florida International is the new kid in town - literally. It's like us losing to Capital.
As for Miami. We broke those mother's in 2002. Completely destroyed an entire program that still can't field a team 17 years later. The Robbery in the Desert didn't just steal a win - it stole their very soul.
Little does everyone know this is only practice for what we are doing to SCUM over a much longer period.
3. CHASE YOUNG TO COST EA SPORTS MILLIONS
Lead programmer for Madden Football, Professor Nerdwine Dorkchester (shown below), has postulated that EA sports may have to spend millions of dollars redeveloping software when Chase Young turns pro.
"None of our algorithms will work for this guy", said Dorkchester. "Even borrowing code from games such as Monster Hunter or World of Warcraft would require enhancement. Our best bet may be to model something after Minecraft where offensive players are represented as building blocks that Young can pick up and place wherever he likes. Our only hope is that he stays at OSU for his senior year to give us time to catch up."
In response to this last hope Coach Ryan Day responded; "Given the numbers OSU is working with for the incoming class there really isn't room - or a strong need - for Young to return." Coach Day also suggested that Dorkchester start looking at how to migrate code from Baldour's Gate as Justin Fields is coming soon.
(My apologies to any serious gamers - I haven't mastered a video game since they added the ability to put spin on the ball in Pong. I was just grasping at shit.)
4. ESPN JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY
OK, we know they are a clown show. But today they had a background crawler asking the question "How will the committee view OSU's close win?"
WTF? We beat a one loss #8 ranked team by 11 points. Had nearly 200 yards more offense and were two plays from an absolute rout. Close win?
And who are we being compared to? LSU - the team with the "Golden Resume".
LSU burst into the spotlight with a 7 point win over Texas. A game in which they gave up 530 yards of offense against a team that now sits at 6-5.
They have beaten three loss Auburn by 3, Bama by 5, and Florida by 14 (a seven point game until less than 6 minutes remaining in the 4th). That is a combined score of 111 to 89 with over 1400 yards of offense allowed.
OSU has beaten three top 20 teams (who are 28-2 without their OSU losses) by a combined score of 108 to 24. None of those teams reached the 300 yard mark in offense.
And here is a fun fact for anyone who wants to argue this was a close game. PSU received the opening kick. From the time they punted with 12: 25 left in the first quarter they had the ball with a chance to take the lead for exactly 2 minutes and 17 seconds. During that 2 minutes and 17 seconds they never got closer than their own 11 yard line and punted from their own 3.
But somehow 11 points is a close game.
Were it up to ESPN if Georgia beat LSU in the SEC CG we would be looking at Clemson and three SEC teams in the playoff.
5. XVCI (That's Roman Numerals for 1969 in case you are ignorant about numbering systems.)
There is a thread somewhere that addresses the biggest upset of all time for OSU. When I read that thread there were all sorts of candidates for greatest upset. This only reminded me of how young so many of you are and how I must forgive you for this oversight.
In 1968 when I was a sophomore OSU was National Champ. They returned almost all of their key players in 1969.
During our first 8 games in 1969 (we only played 9) our closest contest was 27 points. We were rated #1 by a margin (I don't remember the exact margin but I know it was less than the difference between my GPA and a 4.0).
There was no playoff - only polls.
We were prohibitive favorites.
But when we went to Ann Arbor - we lost.
Lost to our biggest rival.
Lost the Big Ten Title.
Lost the NC.
We didn't even go to a bowl game.
Anybody who thinks there was a greater upset, a greater loss, simply has no appreciation of what that game meant.
Now it is 50 years later and an undefeated OSU team is again headed to Ann Arbor.
Is there cause for concern?
Shea Butter has been brilliant of late. 366 yards against Indiana is impressive. But I watched that game and whenever he was in the pocket the talking heads could be heard to say "Patterson has time....".
Well, he has time all right - six days and counting.
But then there was the transformation. At halftime of the PSU game everything changed for Michigan. And I have found out why.
I don't know how this has been kept quiet for so long, but during halftime of that game a bus carrying the Kansas City Chiefs went off the road killing the entire team. When they got to heaven it was discovered that the accident was not supposed to happen and it was not their time. Woody was irate and consulted his angels on what to do next. Heaven can wait they decided. To resolve the issue these players were returned to earth and to life - replacing a group of miserable souls who would not be missed and certainly would not be entering an already overcrowded heaven. The switch was made and out came our current group of Wolverines.
Or not. Cause that's just silly.
They are the same. Just waiting for a real challenge to expose them. Or so it might seem.
But here is the kicker. Fifty years (that's "XXXXX" in Roman Numerals) is a magic number of years.
I know it's magic because I have been listening to the *ichigan fans talk about how this year is going to be just like 1969. Because anytime something happens, the exact same thing happens again 50 years later.
This really got me thinking. In 1969 I was 20. Now I am 70. 70 minus 20 is - you guessed it ...50!
I checked with my brother - same thing. Coincidence? I was beginning to doubt it.
Was there other evidence?
In 1969 the Michigan fans were a bunch of arrogant assholes. 2019? You guessed it.
They wore ugly uniforms in 1969. 2019? Check.
In 1968 we beat Michigan by 36. Fifty years later in 2018 we beat them by 23. (Ok, those aren't exactly the same. But if you represent them as binary numbers and stand back a few feet they look almost identical.)
I still wasn't convinced until they pointed out that this is Harbaugh's 5th game against OSU.
Five is an anagram of 50.
Panic began to set in. I was desperate for counter examples. I only started feeling better when I began doing "
is to.." comparisons.
Such as "Jim Harbaugh
is to Bo Schemblecher ..... As a sleepover with a recruit is to a night at the Playboy Mansion."
or "The *ichigan OL
is to Chase Young .... As a deer in the headlights is to a rampaging grizzly."
or "The 1969 Buckeye team
is to the 2019 Buckeye team ..... As a an unsuspecting mighty oak tree is to a fully prepared mighty oak tree - with lasers and bunker busters."
or "Shea Butter
is to Justin Fields ..... As .... "
Shit, I broke my thesaurus.
I was beginning to think that perhaps the number 50 wasn't as magic as I had feared, but still needed a bit more reassurance.
I turned to my wife. She was born in 1952 and would have been 17 in 1969.
"How old are you now honey?" I asked.
"Thirty nine." she replied.
I think we will be OK.
Only one question remains. Precisely when did Harbaugh plant those potatoes?
6. THE NACHO BITCH
Of course, I can't have an observations thread without providing an update on the Nacho Bitch.
You may recall that we parted ways some years back. I had started skipping the nacho stand and visiting the Bob Evans booth on C Deck instead. I'll admit it. I was developing a preference for sausage. She wasn't having it.
We lost touch.
Then last week I stopped by a Winchester Farms outlet. I was looking at a beautiful display with both cheese AND sausages when I felt a tap on my shoulder. She had gained a few pounds, but I recognized her.
The old spark was still there. She asked if I was interested in a little mac and cheese.
I thought she was suggesting a snack and didn't realize until I had already paid for the room that she meant a threesome.
She brought the cheese and Mac brought the sausage. Things got a little crazy and I now owe Knights Inn $1700.
When I woke she was gone. I didn't get her number but I know where she is working and there are only three Chuck E. Cheese's in the Columbus area. I will certainly let everyone know if I track her down.
7. OH - AND THE PSU GAME
It's an observations thread so I am supposed to make some observations about the game. You saw it. You recorded it. There is a 193 page thread around here somewhere. I don't have much to add.
My only observation is that in an age of email, texting, twitter, instagram and the like OSU - when playing a team that was giving up 2.1 yards per rush - used eleven plays and just over 5 minutes, to move 91 yards for a score without a completed pass just to send a message to Penn State.
8. PARENTAL ADVICE
In closing I would like to share something my father told me just before he kicked the bucket.
We were in my back yard where I had been doing some painting. I had just finished cleaning up when my father picked up a freshly scrubbed pail and said;
"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
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