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Worst Movie Ever

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Basket Case 1, 2 & 3

I watched all three in a row when I was kid... it was like a trainwreck that I couldn't take my eyes off of... I'll never forget those movies.

I walked out of The Hot Chick... and I got in free to see it.
 
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sandgk said:
Waterworld - nothing beats the vacuous, emotionless acting of Kevin Costner, a vapid script, empty storyline (its a map, on a kids back) - and unscientific idiocy (if all the ice shelf melted it wouldn't cover all the land, and the sea would actually become drinkable, so the "currency" of water is a moot point).

This also rates 5.4 on the IMDB, like they said - no accounting for taste.

Too long at 2hrs 16 minutes Waterworld is a Mad Max wetdream.
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I remember back when this one first came out. National Review had a review by notorious film critic John Simon and he trashed it mercilessly. It was a classic. Let me see if I can find it.

(minutes later)

Here it is. Enjoy!

Waterworld. - movie reviews
National Review, Sept 11, 1995 by John Simon


KEVIN Costner's Waterworld is the costliest and Costnerest movie ever made: about $175 million plus another $25 million for advertising and such. At the thought of the humanitarian goals achievable with that kind of dough, this mega-doughnut is enough to sink your stomach. Two hundred mil for the biggest millstone this side of Batman Forever! Even if we could suspend our disbelief, what are we to do with our dismay? From the opening voiceover relating or recapping that the polar icecaps have melted, turning the world into one huge ocean, the survivors having to start from scraps and mother wit, absurdity is upon us. Given the cooling of the sun, predicated but unstated, what melted those icecaps? Perhaps at the news of Costner's folly, they dissolved in tears.

We are on an unbroken expanse of water, over which the Mariner (Costner) sails his spiffy trimaran made of discards and ingenuity. Sometimes it has an underwater hull for sleeping quarters and storage; the rest of the time we see no such thing. How could this hull be attached? How could a sail, even such a colorful one, drag a hulled trimaran forward at better than a snail's pace -- a land snail's, at that?

This Mariner, as he is called, looks like an ordinary Kevin Costnerish man, save for the gills behind his ears, good for breathing underwater or if one is wet behind them. Oh, he also has webbed feet, not like those of an ordinary goose or frog, but like thin, flesh-colored mittens. The Mariner is never explained: we don't know whence he sprang or whether there are others like him. One hopes not: one Costner with pony tail, shell earrings, gills looking like displaced vulvas, and mittened toes is enough for any world, watery or waterlogged. He climbs up and down the mast with a speed that, given his webbed toes, is staggering. Perhaps there is -- besides the piscine, anserine, or batrachian -- something simian about him as well.

We first see him urinating into a Rube Goldberg contraption; when the urine comes out at the other end refined into potable water, he merrily drinks it. Yet later, when two females, the beauteous Helen and her little ward, Enola, hitch a ride with him, he declares that, because of a shortage of drinking water, Enola will have to be heaved overboard. Are these girls unable to urinate? How does Mariner manage what looks like conventional sex with Helen? But `how' is one question never raised in this scenario by Peter Rader and David Twohy -- two amnesiacs, I presume. One amnesiac per screenplay is standard Hollywood procedure; two may be a luxury even the most moneyed movie can't afford.

The Mariner is a peddler in ocean-bottom dirt, whose provenance no one questions. A survivor, he easily weathers the attack by a flotilla of Smokers who ride jet skis in formation and are the marauders of Waterworld. They also smoke incessantly, having an endless supply of all our brands of cigarettes. Why those multitudinous seas that had no trouble engorging continents should have boggled at Marlboros remains as unelucidated as the connection between lawlessness and smoking, unless the scenarists are asthmatics as well as amnesiacs. The Mariner arrives at the Atoll, a floating scrap heap which now passes for a city. Its seemingly law-abiding citizens are infiltrated by Smokers, however, and the Mariner is about to be executed on a rigged charge when the Smokers' flagship, a supertanker commanded by their sneering, sadistic chief, the Deacon (Dennis Hopper, yet again), attacks and, apparently, conquers the Atoll. The story-telling in Waterworld is so muddled, lacking terra firma to stand on, that I affirm nothing.

Everyone, good or evil, is looking for dry land, rumored to exist but undiscovered even by the Smokers with their jet skis (for which fuel is never lacking) and their airplane, which, though decrepit, is fully functional. Everyone, accordingly, is after Helen's mysteriously orphaned and disgustingly precocious ward, the 9-year-old Enola, on whose back is tattooed the map pointing to land. This so-called map, though, is only a stylized representation of a compass, and how it could lead to land -- and why there should be any if those polar meltdowns did their job -- only the screenwriters could have told us, but they manifestly can no longer remember. Finally, someone figures out that Enola has to be held upside down for the tattoo to work -- how and why is entirely beyond my (or any) compass.

Pursued by the Deacon, Enola and Helen escape with the Mariner, who takes them along because Helen saved him from being recycled, i.e., marinated in especially unappetizing yellow mud. But why on earth, or on water, am I telling you all this hogwash? Two further specimens should suffice. Enola is always drawing graffiti of horses and things on any available surface, even during attacks by the Smokers. The Mariner gets so mad when she decorates the trimaran with her art work -- and also at Helen for overprotectively objecting to Enola's being tossed overboard -- that he takes out his long knife and punishes them. With a couple of slashes -- snickersnee! -- he administers haircuts to both, leaving them with coiffures to turn a Frederic Fekkai or Oribe chartreuse with envy.

Better yet, when the Smokers are about to catch them, the Mariner, with Helen in his arms, dives to safety. Helen has one small worry: How will she breathe underwater? The Mariner calms her, `I'll breathe for both of us.' Submerging, Costner clamps his lips to the pretty Jeanne Tripplehorn's in a kind of mouth-to-mouth presuscitation as mutant and maiden vanish into the vasty deep.

There must have been trouble on the set, with the director, Kevin Reynolds, and his star and supplanter parting company in, as it were, midstream. (This happened on their previous joint film, too.) But, unaffected by the battle of Kevins, the costume designer, John Bloomfield, must have had fun designing such things as the Mariner's salmon-skin jacket and braided mahi-mahi pants, which is what you get when you cross a fish with a couturier. Helen is dressed in an aquatic version of the classic comic-strip style -- laced-up, curve-enhancing, bosom-cantilevering -- timelessly favored by maidens in distress from Prince Valiant to Flash Gordon days. It has the added virtue of coming off in a trice when a lady wants to offer herself naked to a rescuer. And by way of a score, James Newton Howard has composed some dreadful New Age water music, most likely based on scales of the fishy kind.

COPYRIGHT 1995 National Review, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group
 
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sandgk said:
Waterworld - nothing beats the vacuous, emotionless acting of Kevin Costner, a vapid script, empty storyline (its a map, on a kids back) - and unscientific idiocy (if all the ice shelf melted it wouldn't cover all the land, and the sea would actually become drinkable, so the "currency" of water is a moot point).

This also rates 5.4 on the IMDB, like they said - no accounting for taste.

Too long at 2hrs 16 minutes Waterworld is a Mad Max wetdream.
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Waterworld is terrible to say the least, but I don't even think it is the worst Kevin Costner movie. I think that award has to go the Postman.
 
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Hideous Kinky. Mrs. Katt loves it, but I don't know that I have ever been more bored watching a movie. I'm still not exactly sure what the plot was.

I was not disappointed by Dude, Where's My Car? because I expected it to be utterly inane and mostly non-sensical. At least it had some humorous portions.
 
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When I saw Titanic, I was CONVINCED that it locked down the worst movie ever title for the rest of time. It was the cheesiest, crappiest, most boring love story ever shit onto film. Sure, you take away the love story, you have good effects. However, you also have an amazingly predictible plot (unless you are a complete dumb ass).

However, the title of Worst Movie Ever was quickly handed over to the reigning champ.....

PEARL HARBOR!!! Crappier love story...same predictible plot. I actually punched myself in the nuts as punishment for sitting through that garbage.

Although the puppet movie (Justice Hero America???) gets huge bonus points for the random ass song about how much Pearl Harbor sucked.
 
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I had blocked pearl harbor from my memory but thanks for bringing that shit back up.

With that one taken I gotta go for an 80's ball sucker........Tron.

When you are a kid you have no concept of a movie sucking, you like everything because it was so cool to go to a movie...well tron broke my cherry. I was like 12 and remember walking out thinking to myself "that movie sucked ass"
 
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Yertle said:
:lol:

I remember watching Tron and thinking what the fuck was that??? I just plain didn't get it.
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Exactly

When kids leave the theater thinking that you have definitly made one of the worst movies of all fucking time.

BTW you should punch yourself in the nuts again for reminding me of Pearl Harbor.
 
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