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STUPID THINGS YOU DID AS A KID

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Just before the age of 3 my brother and I locked my sister and mother out of the house. In fact we were prone to do that with regularity.

We then went to "raid" the goldfish bowl that contained two new goldfish my sister had won the day before at a fair. Small we were and the bowl is on the top of a mantle above the fireplace. No problem, two heads being better than one my brother hauls over a toddlers stool. We can now just reach the base of the goldfish bowl. Push, pull, shove - finally the bowl falls, and cracks into assorted shards, the prized goldfish flapping on their sides amongst the glass.

Both of us then get down to capture the goldfish. Thus, we cut up our feet on the glass. Unperturbed we proceed to try and roast the goldfish on the (thankfully) extinguished fire. Outside mom and sister are going spastic, dead or dying fish, two young pups mangling their feet and leaving rich bloody footprints by the fire. I'm sure it did not look good.

Moments later a highly distraught mother and apoplectic sister rush in. (They tell me they had to get a ladder to make it into the bedroom window and came down the stairs, but hell, I was 3 and change, so I don't remember that part too vividly). Mom was so glad that our injuries were not as bad as she feared that I think she held off really dishing out too much punishment.
BUT
Mom always wore a house key on a chain round her neck after that one.
 
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Took the 78 Malibu over the railroad tracks by Perry Middle School in Worthington, OH at about 70mph. Fortunately Roscoe never did catch me, although my Dad asked why the hood of the car was slightly out of alignment.

Made impromptu "Polish cannons" out of bluebird juice cans and blowtorches out of hairspray bottles.

As a little kid, fell while using a pipe fence as a balance beam. Straddled the fence while falling and was in the hospital for a couple of days with a catheter where you really don't want one.
 
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I did a lot of stupid shit when I was a kid. I used to take matches and hide underneath the formal dining room table and light the carpet on fire. Man I used to get in soooo much trouble for that. I took a stapler one time and stapled my fingers together, that hurt like no other. When I was 14-15 years old I used to take one of the cars and go driving around with my buddies when no one was home. I look back at this now and am shocked I never got caught. Extremely lucky I guess.
 
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In high school a few of us took off one day and went joyriding over to an all girls school. After we were kicked out, one of my buddies mooned some nuns who were probably teachers at that high school.

We eventually were all caught/ratted out, and had to apologize to the principal nun at the high school.

I felt bad after we were caught, but those nuns were probably ND fans!
 
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Tried to jump from one limb on a tree to another, with one hand in my pocket, and no thumb. Broke my arm.

Tried to do 1 1/2 flips off a swingset. Broke my arm.

Tried to do some stupid stunt I can't remember due to head injury while on a bike. Hit a car. Broke my arm.

Tried to make a shot in a basketball game while a guy who I was pummeling all day was wrapped around my back. Both fell down hard. Broke my arm.
 
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I think I was 12, give or take a year, and the big priority on my Christmas list (outside of the obligatory cutting edge game console) was a Green Bay Packers Starter jacket. Told mom about it months in advance, pined and pined and pined. Christmas morning came, and I received a Georgetown jacket. Georgetown was my favorite NCAA team at the time, though I was admittedly disappointed that it wasn't green and gold with a big white 'G' on the back. As it turned out, mom had dragged herself to something like seven different malls in two states and the District (pre-'order anything you want at any time on the internet' days) trying to track down a Packers jacket, and simply could not put her hands on one.

Now for the stupid part.

About four or five days after Christmas, my father (who had at that point become largely unwelcome at the primary gift-giving event, dinner, etc.) took my middle brother Curtiss and me out to give us our gifts, which wound up being $100 to blow on anything we wanted in some local shopping center. Not fifty yards into the joint, we walk past a sports apparel store, just inside of which is a tower (literally) of Starter jackets for every conceivable collegiate and professional franchise. It was nearly a week after Christmas, you see, and all the stores had re-stocked for the post-holiday sales. So being the moronic little shitwad I was, I slapped my dough on the counter (plus another $20 or so to cover the tax--damned expensive, these things were), and purchased a Green Bay jacket which was probably two or three times too large. Wore it home, beaming all the way, and didn't even realize what I had done until I waltzed through the back door into the kitchen and saw the look on mom's face. I think I spent at least an hour crying into a pillow that night.

There was also this one time I found a portable laundry steamer/de-wrinkler thing and put it to my right rib cage and pressed the button, resulting in what ended up being a scab the size of large rabbit's foot.

And the time I was 'whittling' an aluminum Matchbox car with a brand new Swiss Army knife and managed to sever the tendon in my left index finger.

And the time I was trying to kill a bug with a butane kitchen torch and ruined a section of my brother's kitchen floor.

And the time I put a tea kettle on the stove and fell asleep, melting the kettle to the burner and ruining both objects.

And the time I was trying to hit a tennis ball over my friend's house and swung too far around and hit him in the head giving him a cut that needed something like fourteen stitches.

And the time I was trying to break a stick by hitting it against a tree and hit that same friend in the face with the broken off piece giving him a cut that needed some other number of stitches.

And the time I aided that same friend in swiping his neighor's (whose house he was watching while they were on vacation) credit card to use it to call a dirty 900 number and got caught.

...I'm pretty sure that's it.
 
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For a fundraiser while in Little League, we had to sell candy bars for 50 cents. I am a business man and they were fabulous candy bars, so I sold them for a dollar. The old lady at the end of the street busted me on that, but it took a couple years.

When in Babe Ruth, we had to stand in front of businesses and ask for donations. Me and my partner in crime would pocket most of our earnings and act like nobody was interested in helping the local Babe Ruth teams. They now use marked bills to see if the kids are keeping any funds.

Somebody dared me to take a shit in that old ladies garage when I was 11......and I did. She was a bitch.

When I was 6, my parents had me on a fucking bowling team. I am very competitive and I needed a strike to win the league. I left one standing and yelled FUCK in front of everyone. My dad was next to impossible to piss off, but that did it. I ha vent bowled since.

Also, when I was 11, my Dad had the bright idea to take me golfing. On Hole #9 I had what I thought was an easy put. I missed it, and drove my putter in the green. Dad explained to me that I was an asshole, hot head, etc. I still have not finished 9 holes of golf...like I said, I am ultra-competitive.

I used to hit dog food with a tennis racket at the neighbor kids. I used to be on the other end of it and it hurt like hell.

After I got my license, I would drive my car through peoples yards, bushes, trash cans, etc.

We would steal yard ornaments and put them in other peoples yards. (geese, gnomes, etc)

Plus all the other shit kids did....egging, tp, corning, etc.

My JR year in HS I went around and took every ones pumpkins and put them in the school parking lot....

Man, I was a fucking idiot.
 
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We used to take shit from peoples yards aswell. We would go around christmas and steal lights, ornaments, santas, frosties and rudolph. You should of seen the set up we had in our dorm rooms. We did this my freshman year at OSU.
 
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too many to name them all.... one of my favorites was when I was 15 and we tied sleds to the back of my friends car and he pulled us around the neighborhood... these were the old sleds with the metal runners.... we built up speed and as we would hit patches of road without snow sparks would shoot out from the sled.... my brother was on one that was tied closer to the car so I would get hit with the sparks from him... as we took a turn he tumbled off his sled and I proceeded to run him over... he was OK but the cops pulled up as we were being pulled back into the driveway. They didn't do anything about it but give us a lecture and then they told us that we better tell my parents what happened before the neighbors did.... we told them about 2 years ago.
 
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