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Insight, advice????

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DEBuckeye

DEBuckeye

It ain't easy, bein' cheesy.
We've all seen threads pop up here from time to time when someone is going through something difficult, and the outpouring of response the thread gets. The fact that people feel comfortable enough to post their problems, and the fact that so many people care, are really what makes this site what it is.....

After five and a half years, my wife and I are getting a divorce. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined myself in this situation. And to make it worse, I was the primary driver. There were problems in the marriage, but the fact that I fell for, and got together with, someone else really pushed it over the edge. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify it, because I know it was wrong, but I seem to be the only one who thinks that it might be possible that I honestly fell out of love with my wife and in love with someone else. Regardless, I feel like a piece of shit.

The absolute worst part about this whole thing is our 3 year old son. I love him more than anything I know, and it absolutely kills me that his world is about to be turned on its side and that I won't be with him all the time.

So I guess I'm just rambling.... But if anyone has any advice, words of wisdom, etc., I'd love to hear it.
 
not really a lot to say, you have your work cut out for you. That said you don't have to be with your kid constantly to be a good father, it just makes it harder. And don't run down his mother in front of him, that really is amazingly damaging in the long run. Good luck.
 
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I know a few guys who had affairs with other women who they wound up marrying after their divorce. Some have been happily married to the "other woman" for many years. And while it didn't make what you did right, it does not mean that you can't find happiness with the person you say you love so much that that it was worth breaking up your marriage. I am assuming that there is zero chance of a reconciliation.

One thing: you owe the kid and his mom regular child support. If you decide to go out and knock up somebody else and have another family, remember that your 3 year old son came first. It will not be his fault that you can't support two families, and the fact that your next wife is busting you balls because you are paying child support to your first wife is not a reason to stop because you second family wants to have a better lifestyle.

And if your ex is a bitch to you for doing this to her, and is shitty about it to you for a while, man up and take it. Child support is not an item to trade off with custody. If you are having custody spats and the wife is not being fair about visitation, that does NOT mean that you can pull the support check. They are two separate issues, and the kid needs money to live on whether you are seeing him or not. Be a good dad to the kid. If you are, then you ex will get over it to the point she can be civil to you in time.

And yeah - get counseling and an attorney who specializes in domestic stuff. Do not make a rash decision and agree to something just because you are feeling guilty. Believe me, it is mostly cook book stuff. There is a chart that says what you make and how many kids and and it tells you what you owe. So - usually - it is wise to get a lawyer, but not to go to war and fight about stuff just because you don't like each other. That is too damn expensive in the long run.

One final caveat. It is OK to stiff a child support payment to honor a BP Spring Drive pledge.:tongue2:
 
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DEBuckeye, sorry to hear about your situation. I can't offer much advice except to say that I used to be in your sons situation. I was a little older (7yrs old) but I can say without a doubt that the divorce changed my life. My father cheated on my mother and while he was out with "the other woman" I had to be the one to hold my mom as she sobbed. It's one of the reasons I can't stand to hear a woman cry because it takes me back to those difficult times. It's also the reason why I will never cheat on a woman because I've seen how much pain it can bring about.

Things can work out for the best though. My parents argued a lot and found out that they were better off as friends. I learned a couple things about my parents from the divorce.
1. My parents were not perfect.
2. My parents loved me more than I'll ever know. During and after the divorce they put aside any issues they have with each other and only worry what was best for me.
3. I learned how strong of a woman my mother is and have more respect for her now based on how she raised me.

Hell my parents have been divorced since 1989 and my dad stopped paying child support long ago( because now I'm 26) but he still comes over on the same days just like it was visitation. He even stays at my mom's house (moms cool with it) and sleeps downstairs just so he can see me a few days each week, when he is off of work. I hope you and your family can move on during this difficult time. Whatever happens make sure you put your son first and foremost because he is the single most important person that will be affected. Do what is right for him and you will be on the right track. Good luck.
 
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I'm too young maybe to offer you any advice in this situation. You've always been one of the solid people on OSU message boards in my book. The only advice I have which maybe echo's Gators sentiments is a get an attorney and don't make rash decisions.
 
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My brother DEBuckeye, I have been there in about a similar situation. My 1st wife is 42 years old now and still has never left home and she is working on her third marriage. I became frustrated living with parents and we all know that not alot of this :groove3: goes on with parents around. I was young 24, first marriage with her. We had a daughter together my senior year of high school, yeah that's right CCI was a :pimp: trying to lighten up the mood bro, because I feel bad for the child, my daughter went through it. That is tuff she a child asks ya why isn't mommy or Daddy here?
So I found new love (cheated on her), so do not feel bad. You both lost sight of your love for each other. Keep your head up, things will get better.

The only other advice is get shared custody and a good lawyer.
 
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As far as the affair thing, I have no advice man. You have your reasons and we should leave it at that.

As far as the divorce goes. I wish I could I tell you just to stay calm and let level heads prevail etc, but man you are going to see one side of ugly from your wife you have never seen. Throw in lawyers who purposely go to extrmes and man it is going to be tough.

1 - Do not be a typical guy and offer what you think is fair. That will be your starting point and will only decrease from there.

2 - Don't just assume she is going to get custody. If you want it fight for it. You have a penis and that will make it damn hard, but the more you fight now the more time you will have with your kid.

3 - Remember she knows all the stupid stuff you have done and will list all the terrible things about you and why she is this angel and why she should be the parent. Start compiling your list and do not take it personal. Also, not to sound like a cold hearted prick but you are going to have justify your actions with the other lady.

4 - When things get heated DO NOT, loose your cool man. It will be used against you in a flash. If there comes a time when there is a lot of yelling and screaming or what not.. walk away and document it.

5 - Not knowing the situation but prepare for the fact that her lawyer is going to ask for Alimony. If the situation you are in deems that is unfair prepare to make a case for it.

6 - If before lawyers are involved you spend money, time etc with your kid. Document it. Sounds sick huh,,, yeah it is, but do it.

7 - If you guys physically split before there are lawyers.... establish when you are to see your kid and get it in writing. How many days a week at what times etc and do it.

I could list a million things but you get the point. I hope you guys can either mend things or end things in a fashion that is least disruptive to your kid but I have not seen too many of those my man.

Best of luck in all this bro!
 
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My own experience with this sort of thing is two fold:

First,

I have two good friends in a very similar situation: recently divorced, 7 year old son. I'm pretty close to both mother & father...was the 'best man' in their wedding...dated the girl before she and my friend got together...

In any case, he cheated on her...didn't "intend" to be in this position either (never was a run-around, type guy when he dated girls etc.), but their marriage was on the rocks for a few years, and it happened. And without going into long & complex details, she obviously didn't "deserve" to be cheated on, but in all honesty, she had already slowly started to "leave the marriage" years before he physically cheated in my opinion (and like I said, I'm friends with both, introduced them, etc.). Neither 'deserved' what happened, but their son least of all did nothing to deserve the situation that he now was in.

They both realized that no matter why it happened, their marriage had failed. Neither intended it to happen. They both wished it didn't. But their son (whom they both love endlessly) is the one that they should primarily focus the majority of their energy on thru their differences. That realization has helped them work thru the rest of the 'crap' that they've gone through the last few years. And they are both working hard at being the best mother and father they can be despite the non-ideal condition of the relationship they have with the other.


On the other hand,

My godfather and Aunt have now been divorced for many years (18 maybe), and though they share 4 children, they hate each other with a passion, do whatever they can to injure the other in any way they can fathom. They have done nothing to 'shield' their children from the hatred, spite and venom. They (from the limited amount of time that I see them each) seem to live miserable lives filled with bitterness, resentment & blame. Their children have obviously suffered more than I can imagine. Everyone around them (co-workers, extended family & friends) have suffered. And it, in my opinion, resembles what I would consider a living hell on earth for them both.

My cousin (one of their daughters) just got married a few weeks ago. Her mother and father could barely be in the same church together, even for their daughter, to make it as happy an occasion for her as possible. They both took verbal shots (audible to all) at one another throughout the rehersal...Argued thoughout the reception...Barely were able to sit at the head table together, showing little effort to put aside their own selfish differences for just a few hours of one day for their own daughter...a sickening display to watch.

I can only imagine what you (and your family) are going through. But for your kid's sake, I hope you both can focus on trying everything in your power to make the best of what I'm sure is a very very difficult situation.

Good luck.
 
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DEB,

Rather than ramble on here, I'm going to write you offline. Suffice it to say here that I've been more or less where you are and continue to live with the fallout from divorce. My guess is that mine worked out "better" than most, but they all suck. BPers (a couple, in particular) were an enormous help when things were bad. As bad as things may seem, you have to remember that it's a marathon. Try to just stay clear-headed and act as well as you can. You may not get a lot of support where you'd expect it, but you may also be surprised at how supportive some people are.
 
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I don't really have any meaningful advice as I've been fortunate enough to have not seen divorce in my or my wife's families. All I can say is good luck and, as others have said, keep things civil for the sake of your boy.
 
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