The Unbearable Gayness of Being Murda Mace: A Play in One Act
Time: Present day, around 10:00 PM CT
Setting: A sparse dorm room in Witchita, KS, decorated in faux military regalia and Harley-Davidson flare, chosen to cover up the inhabitants latent homosexual tastes towards chicks with dicks.
Murda Mace sits alone in the room, sitting in front of his computer, clad only in a University of Kansas bed sheet. He is alone, as usual, with no fear of his roommate coming home, since said roommate spends every night at his girlfriend's house (or just sleeps in his car) to avoid listening to Murda masturbate to tranny-porn. Murda has concluded his daily ritual of blogging the days professional wrestling happenings, and finds himself restless.
LIGHTS UP
MM: (aloud, since his brain cannot facilitate an inner monologue) Damn, not so much going on in wrestling today. Roomys gone, hanging out with his stupid girlfriend again, so no video games. No point reading up on KU football, since they already lost a game, and I don't care anymore. Stupid Mark Mangino! They got robed last year! What to do?
DISEMBODIED VOICE: (sotto voce) Find an Ohio State discussion board, and talk a bunch of shit.
MURDA MACE, CONVINCED THAT HE CAME UP WITH THE IDEA ON HIS OWN, TYPES "Ohio State football" INTO GOOGLE.
MM: Hmm...Buckeye Planet. I'll show those fools!
MURDA MACE FILLS OUT THE REGISTRATION FORM USING HIS REAL EMAIL ADDRESS.
MM: Hahahaha...I seen two Ohio State games, and they lost! They can't handle SEC speed! They'd be eighth in the Big 12! Wait till they see what I write! They won't know what to do! I'm half way to a sports broadcasting degree, they won't know what hit them!
MURDA MACE TYPES FERVENTLY INTO KEYBOARD.
MM: I HATE YOU BUCKEYE FAN. DIE OF AIDS!!!! Bwah ha ha ha ha!!!! That'll show 'em!!! Bet they never heard that before!!! Bwah ha ha ha!!! Too bad my roomy isn't here! Stupid girlfriend! That was fun, now back to tranny porn. Should I go to chickswithdicks.com or shemaleforsale.com...
THERE IS A FLASH OF BRILLIANT LIGHT BEHIND MURDA MACE. MURDA SPINS AROUND IN HIS CHAIR TO FIND HIMSELF FACE TO FACE WITH A TRANSLUCENT FIGURE WITH A ROUND, BROWN FACE, FEATURING A CHEESY GOATEE, AND SPECTACLES, CLAD ONLY IN A PITTSBURGH UNIVERSITY BED SHEET, SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED.
MM: (loud gasp) MARK MAY!!!
GHOSTLY MARK MAY: Yes, my son.
MM: Oh my God! I can't believe it's you!
GMM: Wherever there is simpleminded hatred for Ohio State, I will be there.
MM: I hate them so much, and I don't even know why!
GMM: You hate them because they are the most overrated football team in the country. Desptie the fact that they are the second best team in college football over the past decade. You hate them, because even though your favorite team has only had one decent season in your lifetime, they are the only reason that Kansas has not played for a national championship every year. Embrace the hate. Feed off it.
MM: (weeping) I knew it! I knew it!
GMM: Terrelle Pryor has yet to be tested. He will fail. He must pay for his self absorbed attitude during the recruiting process.
MM: (weeping) I hate Terrelle Pryor! He wouldn't even be the eighth best QB in the Big 12 this year!
GMM: You must hate him, and everything associated with Ohio State. It is the only thing that validates my existence. I must go now.
MM: Oh, Mark May! If only you had both a penis and vagina!
GMM: I do.
MM: I love you.
GMM: I love myself.
MM: Don't go!
GMM: I must. But I will return whenever you spread ignorant anti-Ohio State bile.
MM: I will honor you!
GMM: I love myself.
THERE IS A FLASH OF LIGHT AS GHOSTLY MARK MAY DISAPPEARS. MURDA MACE WEEPS.
THE ROOMATE ENTERS TO GRAB A CHANGE OF CLOTHES, AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.
ROOMY: Godamnit, Chase! What the fuck!!!
MM: I just took a shower! Leave me alone!
MURDA MACE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM, AND LOCKS THE DOOR. LIGHTS FADE TO THE SOUND OF MURDA MACE WEEPING.
FIN.
