I found this enjoyable and so may you.
<!-- Begin .post --> school spirit....
Genius Reviews...having the internets losing its collective mind like a Ghostface/Kool Keith/MF Doom throwdown with Annie on the hook.
If you recall BlogPoll #3, you'll remember one of the questions posed was "what rapper would you compare your team to?" I've seen a couple of really good ones (can't argue with Michigan/Rakim and Notre Dame/Run-DMC), but here are a few others to consider, off the top of my head, and not particularly well-researched:
- Ole Miss/Jurassic 5
Obsessed with tradition, good for a party, exclusively white fan base. Also not taken particularly seriously by anybody.
- Florida/Snoop Dogg
Known to wear blue and do funny things with their upper appendages. "Fun and gun" seem like a pretty apt description of what they're all about. Still managed to be on the national radar while they had the least confidence-inspiring mentors.
- Northwestern/Public Enemy
Known to stumble into the public's eye every couple of years or so, but only well-educated white people with jobs in the media seem to care.
- Troy/Travel
They on they grind, cousin. Straight from the dirt roads of Alabama, they're the most shameless self-promoters the game has to offer, subjecting themselves to scads of criticism for a crack at the big time. Still developing Grown Man Status, but will take out those who let their guard down. Responsible for many a "oh shit, they're actually pretty damn good" epiphany.
- Virginia Tech/Mystikal
Sex offenders.
- Ohio State/50 Cent
True, they get results, but they also get results in a way that makes them nearly impossible to like. Have been known to cause Joey to go on hysteric-filled rants.
- Penn State/KRS-One
They'll be the first to tell you how important they are in the scheme of things and new jacks need to give them respect, but that doesn't shake the fact that they haven't been relevant in years.
- Nebraska/Notorious B.I.G.
For a couple of years they were completely unstoppable, and then they had to go get freakin' killed. Incredibly poor post-mortem management.
- Auburn/Kanye West
You don't get the respect you think you deserve; we heard you the first time. Probably due for a dissapointing follow-up.
- Alabama/P. Diddy
More than enough money and (possibly ill-gotten) resources to keep the dream alive, but they both face insurmountable expectations from an unreasonable fanbase. Unless they know how to exhume the dead, there's no way they'll give the people what they truly want.
- Kansas State/Master P
Experienced the terrifying lows, dizzying highs and creamy middles of the game and still managed to be a laughingstock at all points. Got fat off of appealing to the lowest common denominator, and will take every shady-ass piece of talent to continue doing so.
- Texas A&M/Texas' entire screw scene
Overwhelming hype in the face of the obvious (losing to Baylor, absolutely no lyrical skill). Expect this bandwagon to be completely empty by October.
- Boise State/Cam'ron
Not the most intellectually satisfying stuff on the market, but they turned a lack of substance into something exhilirating that you don't have to put much stock into. A favorite of blogospherians. Known for radical use of color schemes.
- Colorado/Beanie Sigel
All that dirt is catching up to them; they've got far bigger fish to fry than their diminishing profiles. Perenially expected to give far more than they're really capable of.
- Temple/Cappadonna
Abandoned by the set they always assumed they were down with. Will likely resort to begging and odd jobs to get by.
- Florida State/2Pac
Gang-related. Out of habit, people feel the need to bring them up in discussions of who's the best, but when you look back at it, you forget that while developing the Thug Life template, their legacy does not stack up with their actual accomplishments. Associated with delusions of grandeur.
- Georgia/Jadakiss
Has all the tools necessary to consistently among the best, but a new nemesis seems to come along every year to take the title that's always so close.
- Tennesee/Nas
No matter how much they publicly embarass themselves, they've always got that one title to fall back on, ending any discussion. Usually manages to piss off everyone at some point.
- Maryland/The Game
Possess a cockiness that is both astonishing and completely unjustified considering their reign on the top could pass for Notre Dame's mascot. Need to watch their mouths more often. Consummate studio thugs.
- Minnesota/Clipse
For the love of God, find these guys a new home.
- West Virginia/Three 6 Mafia
Known for inspiring an inordinate amount of property destruction.
- Oregon/Baby (a.k.a. Birdman)
Known for outlandish expenditures and ill-conceived outfits. Need to turn down the volumes in their respective mouths.
- Miami/Eminem
When they're on, really, truly ON, absolutely no one can stop them, but they've been known to coast on their rep alone. Unlimited reservoir of talent, often used in very questionable ways. Very likely to give a big break to someone you will completely despise in three years.
- USC/Jay-Z
The Dynasty. Seemingly impervious to the trappings that have brought down other crews.
- Arizona State/Blackalicious
Quintessential West Coast squad handpicked to blow up every three or four years; too softbatch to really do it, though.
- Texas/Fat Joe
I know in some parts, a comparison to Fat Joe is like one to John Mackovic, but look at it this way: they both possess an excellent recruiting system and a run that's more impressive than it actually seems (Joey Crack's been a veteran for over a decade, UT strings together 10-win seasons). However, whenever they're supposed to break through, their successes ("Lean Back" controlling the summer of '04, beating Michigan) are disappointing in the larger scheme of things ("True Story" is a now legendary Soundscan dud, still lost to OU).
- Bowling Green/BG
Duh.
- Texas Tech/Twista
Fastbreak-style game that's fun as hell, but can't possibly be sustained for extensive periods of time. The contents of the system are never as important as the system itself. Rubs elbows with the best in the game, but more or less seen as a sidedish.
- Clemson/Ying Yang Twins
Squad preferred by the mentally challenged, replete with an inexplicable moment in the sun that everyone's better off forgetting. Known to squander mainstream respect with ill-advised forays into crunk. But that's not as convincing as the fact that a certain Tiger QB supposedly asked my friend's sister if he could get a noseful of her nether regions. I seriously can't believe this wasn't the first one I thought of.
- Georgia Tech/Method Man
Man, was it really THAT long ago that these guys were contenders? Prone to lapses in judgment, and being hamstrung by shaky leadership. Really likes the wacky tobacky.
- Wisconsin/DMX
Sorry, guys- you don't get House Of Pain. But anyways, both have tried to impose their bullying, one-dimensional will on the public which tired of their steez sometime around 1999. Still, like they're going to stop...Also, a regular on the police blotter, and partial to red and white backdrops.
- Arizona/Xzibit
Considered a sleeping giant for years, but how come no one can get these guys to win on a consistent basis? Have one thing they're far better at, and I think we all know what that is.
- Kentucky/Nappy Roots
Well, that was a fun one-and-half years, wasn't it? Hope you kept your day jobs, boys. Most watchable when putting that one fatass in the spotlight.
- Fresno State/Freddie Foxxx
Probably the most feared entity in their respective games. Pretty boys don't want a piece of either. Will make outright disses to fake-ass thugs to little or no retaliation.
- Wake Forest/Aesop Rock
An underground favorite due to their unorthodox style, likely borne of obvious physical deficiencies. The type of guys you congratulate yourself for being a fan of, but best admired from a distance.
- Navy/Slick Rick
One of the pioneers of the game that's fallen on hard times. Despite an occasional resurgence, pretty much impossible for them to compete on the same level anymore, not that anyone expects them to. Always a welcome appearance on your TV, and no one in their right mind would diss them in public.
- UNC/Memphis Bleek
Existing somewhere just north of obsolescence, they have too much financial backing to completely go in the shitter, but they'll always be a money pit because there's no way they can approach the stature of the people that made you care about them in the first place.
- NC State/Freeway
Even in their own domain, they have more fans and more skills; so how come no one ever seems to care? Maybe because if NC State's campus looked like a rapper, it would probably be Freeway.
- Rutgers/Craig Mack
I have no idea why, but I just really wish things would turn around for these guys at some point.
- South Carolina/Consequence
Goes through most of its life being as mediocre and forgettable as possible, but always seems to be in the right place when a potential savior can lift them to the promised land (Lou Holtz=Q Tip, as the on-life-support elder statesman? Steve Spurrier=Kanye as the uber-cocky mastermind? I say yes).
- Baylor/Amil
Once subject to credibility by association, but only good for wisecrack fodder these days. Stumbled upon said association by dumb luck (Texas governor at the time of Big XII formation was a Baylor grad, Amil has female genitalia). You cared about them for a split second (beating TAMU, servicing Jay-Z for a part in "Can I Get A"?) and thought better of it the next second.
- Washington State/Eightball & MJG
A little too country for mainstream consumption, but they've put together a far better catalogue than most of their regional peers with little to no media recognition, probably because they come from some of the most depressing places in America.
- SMU/MC Hammer
Parlayed a surprising run of success into an enormous facility they couldn't possibly continue to fill. Suffered so-called "death penalties" when the money finally ran out. Now mostly known for their religious wheelings and dealings.
- BYU/Mase
Way more successful than they had any right to be. Also way more rich than anyone whose hustle involves religion has any right to be. Convenient built-in excuse for inability to compete with the "secular" types. Often donning garish clothes.
- UCLA/LL Cool J
Too embedded in the pop-culture canon to ever really go away, despite a seemingly endless streak of misfires. The problem is, no matter how bad they've become, it's hard to notice because they look so damn good doing it. Straight up Hollywood.
- Vanderbilt/MC Paul Barman
At least they got that fancy book learnin’ to fall back on. Makes fun of themselves as much as others do. Occasionally good for a blip on the radar of mainstream media, but mostly just a curiosity with a half-hearted approach, mostly because them (or you, for that matter) taking their brand of game seriously would be even more hilarious.
- Mississippi State/Ja Rule
Once viewed as a legitimate thug presence, were quickly murked from about ten different angles before they could even blink. The fact that anything remotely successful became of their 2004 (UF, "New York, New York") is something of a minor miracle. Have a LOOOOOONG way to go before they can clap back at anyone.
- Oklahoma/Dr. Dre
Have gone through several incarnations as a champion, most recently from mid-80's menacing gangsta to sleek, TV-friendly fluff for the kids. Might lay low for a couple years, but you absolutely cannot doubt this brand name.
- Tulsa/R. Kelly
If you know what Tulsa's nickname is, this should require no further explanation.
- Hawaii/Nate Dogg
Highly sought-after commodity that exists outside the scope of what most consider the mainland of our comparative topics. If you catch these guys are on TV, odds are, you're watching. Things just seem better when they're involved.
- Cal/Common
A lot of people want to see these guys blow up, mostly because they are often associated with hippies and liberal politics, and considered "smarter" than those at the top of their game. Uses the media to bitch about others blowin' up spots they think they rightfully deserve. Known to send feelers out to the big leagues with middling results.
- LSU/T.I.
Kings of the south, but really, you don't know them. No real standouts and a remarkably workmanlike style, but get by on their cocky attitude. Not the kind of people you'd want to get into a scrap with.
- South Florida/Cassidy
Foolishly think they have the resources to keep up with the Joneses in their hood. In their quest for the crown, there's probably gonna be a murder charge along the way, that's all I'm saying.
- Florida A&M/Gucci Mane
Took a sniff at going major, and then it was over before it even began.
- Iowa/GangStarr
Seemingly the total package: great synergy, an intellectual approach to the game, enormous respect from their peers and an overarching theme of "doing things the right way." And yet, the whole experience seems a little shy of transendence; the product is excellent, but frankly, they color within the lines so completely, they're difficult to truly love.
- Washington/Redman
Shared a time of national prominence (not a title- Ed.) with Georgia Tech/Method Man. A hallmark of 1990's excellence, and extremely difficult to dislike. Yet, on an unspecified date in the 21st century, they decided to zone out completely, and have paid for it by being pretty much M.I.A. for the last couple of years. Not a lost cause, but they just need someone to get their ass in gear.
- Oregon State/Noreaga
Though I'm not sure you can pin anything legitimately criminal on them, there's a certain ignant factor that makes them seem more gully than the average guys. Not known to associate with people of high moral fiber. Questionable intellectual capability. Gangsta, but still kind of goofy.
- Syracuse/Lloyd Banks
The definitive article of New York mediocrity.
- Louisville/Juelz Santana
One word to describe them- spectacular, yes! (that's actually two words) If we're to talk them at face value, you'd believe they have the block locked down. Brash, explosive style in the vein of Boise State/Cam'ron that has the internet in an uproar. Not the kind of guys you would call "methodical." Tend to lose focus at times. About to get their shot at the big time in the fall ("I've been ready, it's just that our promotion was not"), but are they truly the next hotness or a bunch of empty calories?
- UAB/Dirty
Doing the damn thing to the best of their ability, in that mediocre, just-shy-of-major way, but their hustle seems doomed to remain local.
- Memphis/Young Jeezy
If it weren't for most media outlets touting them as those most likely to do big thangs in the South this fall, I probably wouldn't be able to differntiate them from the rest of their ilk.
- Michigan State/Ludacris
Capable of going from "jaw-dropping" to "mailing it in" in an astonishingly short amount of time. Seems like they're on TV all the freakin' time. You have to wonder if they even WANT to be champions sometimes.
- Illinois/Shyne
Alright, you knew they were never gonna be anything that special, but did anyone foresee the bottom dropping out quite like this? You laughed your ass off at their latest bid for relevance. Hiring Ron Zook = "Godfather Buried Alive."
- Indiana, Duke, Kansas & UConn/The Black Eyed Peas
Look, we all knew they were wack as fuck from the get-go, but at this point, it barely merits a mention. Making fun of them is almost redundant, but you figure they have no trouble paying their bills. There's supposedly a breakout star in here, but I seriously have my doubts if the public really cares. Absolutely no one would shed a tear if they disappeared completely.
- Air Force/Too $hort
Getting more from less than anybody in the game's history, and doing it the exact same way for decades. Impervious to trends.
- Stanford/Slug
Favored by the loopy, sensitive kid who fancies himself an intellectual. Almost always battling against the (probably true) presumption that they're soft as hell. Likely to be underrated or overrated at any given time. Kind of a stupid nickname.
- Tulane/Juvenile
Fulfilled its potential so completely in 1998 that it was all downhill from there. For a year or two, it seemed like they'd give up the game completely, but stronger heads prevailed. Although it hasn't exactly been Emperor's New Clothes, there's just no conceivable way to bring together all the elements back together for another run at glory. "Slow Motion" = the J.P. Losman Era.
- Colorado State/Deltron 3030
Ended up on a lot of year-end "Best Of" lists in the 1990's, seemingly in disregard of whether or not anyone was aware of their existence at all during any particular year. Haven't heard a whole lot from them lately.
- East Carolina/The Beatnuts
They were probably better in the '90s than we can really recall, but you're about as likely to see them on a milk carton than you are on TV.
- Marshall/UGK
Seemingly stuck in no-man's land for a few years, they became THE go-to mid-major guys. Have built up a bottomless reservoir of respect (and slack), but they don't seem as hungry now that they don't have to worry about being completely ignored.
- Mizzou/Canibus
My god, did they blow it. Squandered so much talent, it almost makes you angry. Then again, when you consider who they entrusted their careers to, what the hell do you expect?
- Iowa State/Gorillaz
Every couple of years, they give us some memorable moments when not much else is really distracting us. The ultimate smoke and mirrors job, often done with imported parts. Kind of cute, but I don't know why anyone would invest themselves emotionally here.
- Houston/DAS EFX
Ran a long-discredited style into the ground to become a footnote in the story of the '90s. Really, how far did they think they could take this?
- Boston College/Guerilla Black
Seriously, stop trying to be someone you're not.
(thanks to Sean for that one)
And the one that started it all for this author, UVA/Mobb Deep
posted by Ian at 3:36 PM
