This poster advertises the Dead Schembechlers' appearance at the Hate Michigan Rally this Friday in Columbus.
The Dead Schembechlers on
The value of a Michigan diploma: "It's worth less than Confederate money."
Michigan's fight song: "Comparing 'Across the Field' to 'Hail to the Victors' is like trying to compare The Kinks' 'You Really Got Me' to a bathtub fart."
A future in politics: "We've had those offers. But I think at this point in our lives, we can best serve the populous by continuing with the Dead Schembechlers. You certainly never say never, though."
Ohio State coach Jim Tressel: "Much of his power comes from his sweater vest. It's almost like Darth Vader's helmet. The opposing players see the sweater vest and they cower in their fear."
Michigan coach Lloyd Carr: "That man, they may as well have tattooed 'LOSER' across his forehead."
A prediction for Saturday: "Woody Hayes himself has promised the most glorious victory in the history of the Ohio State Buckeyes."
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Barely two weeks after he'd cheated death once again, the question was put to Bo Schembechler gently -- almost apologetically.
"Bo, have you ever heard of a band called the Dead Schembechlers?" the reporter asked.
"What was the name of it?" replied the living, breathing Schembechler, clearly taken aback.
But, yes, he'd heard it right. There's a punk rock band from Columbus called the Dead Schembechlers, a curious, satirical quartet that dresses like Woody Hayes, the late, legendary Ohio State coach, and churns out comically hate-filled songs like "Bomb Ann Arbor Now," "Wolverine Destroyer" and "M Means Moron." (Most of the rest of the titles aren't fit for a family newspaper.)
And as he perused the band's Web site (
www.deadschembechlers.com), the 77-year-old former Michigan coach -- the one with a new pacemaker/defibrillator regulating his heartbeat -- shook his head and laughed. The band members -- all of them named "Bo" something-or-other -- were pictured in full costume, with scarlet windbreakers, short-sleeved white shirts, black ties and black-rimmed glasses underneath the trademark black Buckeyes ballcaps.
"I'll be damned, they
dodress like Woody," said Schembechler, Hayes' former assistant whose decision to leave the state of Ohio to coach arch-rival Michigan nearly 40 years ago remains a sore point among the Buckeyes faithful.
Or, as the man who inspired the tune "Schembechler Kicked My Crippled Dog" announced proudly, still surfing the Web, "I still matter in Columbus!"
As for the matter at hand, well, we'll let another Bo -- Bo Biafra, the front man for the Dead Schembechlers -- explain just how important this week's renewal of the Ohio State-Michigan rivalry is.
"This game is going to be the biggest struggle the United States has been involved in since the D-Day invasion," said Biafra, whose pseudonym -- along with the band's ghoulish moniker -- is an homage to the Dead Kennedys, a California punk band that found fame in the early 1980s.
And not surprisingly, the lead singer and solitary spokesman for the self-proclaimed "Best Damn Punk Band in the Land" sees this No. 1-vs.-No. 2 matchup as a call to arms. But fear not, Biafra says, because he and his bandmates -- Bo Thunders, Bo Vicious and Bo Scabies -- "are as ready for this as we've ever been ready for anything in our lives."
Bring the hate
Later this week, the Dead Schembechlers will gather here in Columbus, arriving from parts unknown -- Biafra's phone number carries a Baltimore area code, for what it's worth -- to headline the third annual Hate Michigan Rally Friday at the Newport Music Hall on campus. The doors open at 8 p.m. for what Biafra promises will be "a monstrous, musical, anti-Michigan meltdown."
And just what does that mean, exactly?
"We don't like to give away too much," explained Biafra, who has challenged the Red Hot Chili Peppers -- they sang "Hail to the Victors" at a recent Columbus gig -- to an on-stage duel. "But I will say two things: One, there will be some special unannounced guests on stage. Two, I guarantee to the people of the sovereign republic of Ohio that the blood of Wolverines will run on that stage."
Beyond that, though, he's hesitant to provide many details, citing security concerns and my own obvious bias as a member of the "Liberal Wolverine Media." That's part of the reason the band members won't reveal their true identities, ages or full-time occupations, though Biafra says they've been together since 1990, when they presumably were Ohio State students.
"Our lives are a daily dose of danger," Biafra said. "The last time we were all together, actually, was the very night Maurice Clarett was arrested. There were rumors that he was on the way to assassinate us, that he was like the Manchurian Candidate -- the Michigan Candidate, if you will -- on his way to whack the Dead Schembechlers. Now, we cannot confirm this. I'm just telling you what we've been told."
Shadowy schemes
Here's what he told me, though, about the so-called International Wolverine Conspiracy, which, according to Biafra, "goes to the highest levels of our government."
"It's a power-mad cadre of University of Michigan graduates bent on total and complete world domination, using the Michigan football program as the tip of its foul spear," he said, adding that former President Gerald Ford is the likely mastermind.
Among the sinister plots the Dead Schembechlers have uncovered thus far: Michigan men hijacked the Apollo space program and are to blame for global warming. Crop-dusting planes have spread "mind-control drugs," no doubt furnished by Walgreen's, since, as Biafra points out, Charles Walgreen, the drugstore chain's founder, is a 1928 U-M alum.
Oh, and did you know Michigan never actually has beaten Ohio State on the gridiron? The Wolverines have lost "The Game" 102 years running, though you'd never know it, thanks to the poisoned water supplies -- mind-control drugs, remember? -- and the evil magic of television.
"Well, hell, man," Biafra explained. "They can make Elijah Wood look like a bleeping hobbit. They can certainly make a football bounce a different way."
Maybe so, but how does he explain away John Cooper, the disgraced former OSU coach who was lampooned for his 2-10-1 record against Michigan?
"He'd had a great run, going 13-0 against the Wolverines," Biafra said, "and after that lucky 13th win it was time for him to take a rest."
And what about their namesake's recent health scare? That, too, fits neatly into the conspiracy.
"Bo Schembechler got sick this time just to spite us," Biafra said. "I wouldn't put anything past him. He took one for the team, to try and steal our thunder and dull our message."
Has it worked? Well, maybe.
"Bo Schembechler can never die," Biafra added, still in character but wavering just a bit. "Bo Schembechler is immortal, as Woody Hayes is immortal. And as long as there are kids willing to get out there on a crisp, autumn afternoon under a blue sky and fight each other at that Michigan-Ohio line, both those men will live forever."
So will the rivalry. Amen to that.
You can reach John Niyo at [email protected].