The full transcript of the legal disclaimer for "The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show"
From the law offices of Fwar, Dips, Winshares, Gritt, Nelsson, Woba, Eraplus, Zswing, Rângé-Factor, Heart, Babip, Pecota, Vorp, & Eckstein, LLC:
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
This document (the “Disclaimer”) is binding in perpetuity. It ensures that Channel 46 (the “Company”) and its parent company, Sweetums Corp., as well as Sweetums Corp’s parent company, Academi, cannot be held legally responsible for any views or actions made by/on “Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show” (the “Show”). The actions of or opinions expressed by, Johnny Karate a.k.a. Burt Macklin a.k.a. Jonathan Karate a.k.a. Andy Dwyer (the “Host”) or his wife, Mrs. Karate a.k.a. Janet Snakehole a.k.a. Judy Hitler a.k.a. April Ludgate-Dwyer (the “Producer”) do not necessarily represent those of the Company. This statement also applies to any and all alter egos or characters generated now, or in the future, by either the Host or the Producer, as well as their cast members, current or future, and their dog Champion a.k.a. Dog World Champion a.k.a. The Three-Legged Wonder Dog a.k.a. Tripod Jones (the “Dog”).
This further acknowledges that the Company has on numerous occasions under the threat of termination and/or loss of privileges relating to the Host’s show instructed the Host and the Producer not to engage in any of the following activities:
-Attempting to ingest or encouraging others to ingest non-edible products, including but not limited to: glue, wood, staples, staplers, toys, wool socks, cotton socks, polyester socks, cotton/polyester blend socks, scientific equipment and any form of US currency, including but not limited to: pennies, nickels, quarters, Susan B. Anthony dollars, Sacagawea dollars, or paper bills.
-Detonation of any sort of explosive device, or non-explosive device that is rendered explosive by the taping or gluing of said device to an explosive device.
-Covering the studio property or any other property in any substance, including but not limited to: glitter, tar, glittery tar, jam, gel, jelly, ice, slush, slime, sludge, slurry, ooze, gunk, glop, goop, foam, froth, muck, or ice cream.
-Using the Company’s telephone for any “crank call” segments to any citizens, including but not limited to: current or former government officials, former classmates, former co-workers, local restaurants, “Lawrence,” “Greg Pikitis,” or any members of the 2001-2017 New England Patriots.
-Claiming to be an agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and/or the Central Intelligence Agency and/or the Coast Guard and/or the United States Treasury Department and/or “Special Ops” and/or “Special Ox” [sic] in order to gain access to government or law enforcement buildings.
-Pressing on the Host’s own eyes with Host’s own thumbs in order to “see cool stuff floating around in there.”
-Attempting to break any National or International record for any kind of competitive eating, including but not limited to: pies, hot dogs, cherries, bananas, sunflower seeds, butternut squash, clam chowder, milk, pinto beans, burritos, sweet-n-sour chicken, Paunch Burger Dinner-for-Breakfast Burger Combos, Paunch Burger Breakfast-for-Dinner Burger Combos, Paunch Burger Breakfast-for-Dinner Pancake Combos, Paunch Burger Lunch-for-Dinner Sandwich Combos, or Paunch Burger Everything-for-Dinner Burrito-Pancake-Taco-Teriyaki-Chicken-Waffle-Nacho-Penne-Arrabiata-Steak Combo Supreme.
Specific Note on Liability of “Loose Animal in the Studio” Segment (the “Segment”)
By reading this document, you (the “Viewer”) or your legal guardian, forgo the right to seek any legal action regarding any possible contact with a loose or lost animal (the “Animal”) in the Segment. Viewers are encourages not to seek out or interact with the Loose Animal, and all claims to the contrary made by the Host or Producer are false. No animals were harmed in the making of the Segment; if they were, it was not the intention of the Show, Host, Company, or Producer, nor can those parties be held responsible for the actions of the aforementioned animals. Once the Viewer has entered Studio 46, the Company is not liable for the actions, noises, behaviors, or attacks of any Loose Animal, including but not limited to:
-Barn Owl
-Red Claw Scorpion
-Mexican Plateau Horned Lizard
-Tasmanian Pygmy Possum
-Green Tree Python
-Boll Weevil
-Boa Constrictor
-Hagfish
-Ecuadorian Pudu
-Fire-Throated Anteater
-Albino Wolverine
-Sucker-Footed Bat
-Egyptian Tortoise
-Lithuanian “Garbage Cat”
-Hawaiian Gharial
-Brazilian Thunder Panda
Special Addition to Note on Liability of “Loose Animal in the Studio” Segment (the “Segment”)
The conditions and limits on liability apply to all segments of “April’s Animal Corner,” regardless of whether the segment eventually leads to aforementioned Segment (“Loose Animal in the Studio”). On such occasions when “April’s Animal Corner” proceeds as planned, and the animal in question remains safely in the cage or container in which it was transported, the Company hey it’s me Andy I had a dumb meeting with our dumb lawyer who was yelling at me for something I don’t even know what it was he’s so funny when he yells he looks like Beaker from the Muppets I’m in his office right now he’s on a phone call so I opened his document and clicked in the middle of this paragraph and started typing haha he’s so dumb he’ll probably never even see this I can type whatever I wan Colts rule Colts rule Johnny Karate forever Reggie Wayne forever Greg Pikitis sucks ok he’s coming back I love you April bye! retains the right to apply these limited liability conditions to the Segment as well as all other segments involving animals, now or in the future.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
This document (the “Disclaimer”) is binding in perpetuity. It ensures that Channel 46 (the “Company”) and its parent company, Sweetums Corp., as well as Sweetums Corp’s parent company, Academi, cannot be held legally responsible for any views or actions made by/on “Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show” (the “Show”). The actions of or opinions expressed by, Johnny Karate a.k.a. Burt Macklin a.k.a. Jonathan Karate a.k.a. Andy Dwyer (the “Host”) or his wife, Mrs. Karate a.k.a. Janet Snakehole a.k.a. Judy Hitler a.k.a. April Ludgate-Dwyer (the “Producer”) do not necessarily represent those of the Company. This statement also applies to any and all alter egos or characters generated now, or in the future, by either the Host or the Producer, as well as their cast members, current or future, and their dog Champion a.k.a. Dog World Champion a.k.a. The Three-Legged Wonder Dog a.k.a. Tripod Jones (the “Dog”).
This further acknowledges that the Company has on numerous occasions under the threat of termination and/or loss of privileges relating to the Host’s show instructed the Host and the Producer not to engage in any of the following activities:
-Attempting to ingest or encouraging others to ingest non-edible products, including but not limited to: glue, wood, staples, staplers, toys, wool socks, cotton socks, polyester socks, cotton/polyester blend socks, scientific equipment and any form of US currency, including but not limited to: pennies, nickels, quarters, Susan B. Anthony dollars, Sacagawea dollars, or paper bills.
-Detonation of any sort of explosive device, or non-explosive device that is rendered explosive by the taping or gluing of said device to an explosive device.
-Covering the studio property or any other property in any substance, including but not limited to: glitter, tar, glittery tar, jam, gel, jelly, ice, slush, slime, sludge, slurry, ooze, gunk, glop, goop, foam, froth, muck, or ice cream.
-Using the Company’s telephone for any “crank call” segments to any citizens, including but not limited to: current or former government officials, former classmates, former co-workers, local restaurants, “Lawrence,” “Greg Pikitis,” or any members of the 2001-2017 New England Patriots.
-Claiming to be an agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and/or the Central Intelligence Agency and/or the Coast Guard and/or the United States Treasury Department and/or “Special Ops” and/or “Special Ox” [sic] in order to gain access to government or law enforcement buildings.
-Pressing on the Host’s own eyes with Host’s own thumbs in order to “see cool stuff floating around in there.”
-Attempting to break any National or International record for any kind of competitive eating, including but not limited to: pies, hot dogs, cherries, bananas, sunflower seeds, butternut squash, clam chowder, milk, pinto beans, burritos, sweet-n-sour chicken, Paunch Burger Dinner-for-Breakfast Burger Combos, Paunch Burger Breakfast-for-Dinner Burger Combos, Paunch Burger Breakfast-for-Dinner Pancake Combos, Paunch Burger Lunch-for-Dinner Sandwich Combos, or Paunch Burger Everything-for-Dinner Burrito-Pancake-Taco-Teriyaki-Chicken-Waffle-Nacho-Penne-Arrabiata-Steak Combo Supreme.
Specific Note on Liability of “Loose Animal in the Studio” Segment (the “Segment”)
By reading this document, you (the “Viewer”) or your legal guardian, forgo the right to seek any legal action regarding any possible contact with a loose or lost animal (the “Animal”) in the Segment. Viewers are encourages not to seek out or interact with the Loose Animal, and all claims to the contrary made by the Host or Producer are false. No animals were harmed in the making of the Segment; if they were, it was not the intention of the Show, Host, Company, or Producer, nor can those parties be held responsible for the actions of the aforementioned animals. Once the Viewer has entered Studio 46, the Company is not liable for the actions, noises, behaviors, or attacks of any Loose Animal, including but not limited to:
-Barn Owl
-Red Claw Scorpion
-Mexican Plateau Horned Lizard
-Tasmanian Pygmy Possum
-Green Tree Python
-Boll Weevil
-Boa Constrictor
-Hagfish
-Ecuadorian Pudu
-Fire-Throated Anteater
-Albino Wolverine
-Sucker-Footed Bat
-Egyptian Tortoise
-Lithuanian “Garbage Cat”
-Hawaiian Gharial
-Brazilian Thunder Panda
Special Addition to Note on Liability of “Loose Animal in the Studio” Segment (the “Segment”)
The conditions and limits on liability apply to all segments of “April’s Animal Corner,” regardless of whether the segment eventually leads to aforementioned Segment (“Loose Animal in the Studio”). On such occasions when “April’s Animal Corner” proceeds as planned, and the animal in question remains safely in the cage or container in which it was transported, the Company hey it’s me Andy I had a dumb meeting with our dumb lawyer who was yelling at me for something I don’t even know what it was he’s so funny when he yells he looks like Beaker from the Muppets I’m in his office right now he’s on a phone call so I opened his document and clicked in the middle of this paragraph and started typing haha he’s so dumb he’ll probably never even see this I can type whatever I wan Colts rule Colts rule Johnny Karate forever Reggie Wayne forever Greg Pikitis sucks ok he’s coming back I love you April bye! retains the right to apply these limited liability conditions to the Segment as well as all other segments involving animals, now or in the future.
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