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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
OCBucksFan
I won a math debate
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
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BuckyBalls
Alter Ego
Rodney's Dog
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
Upvote
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BuckyBalls
Alter Ego
Sooo ugly
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The Aisle Seat...
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in
the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his
toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get
it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's
shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone
the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked. 'How long must this
go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW.
THE PROUD.
THE MARINES.
THE BEST!
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in
the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his
toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get
it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's
shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone
the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked. 'How long must this
go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW.
THE PROUD.
THE MARINES.
THE BEST!
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the wash room. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
There are teachers, and then there are Educators
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the wash room. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
There are teachers, and then there are Educators
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
One day; a man came home and was greeted by his
wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up; ' she purred; 'and
you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home; screeching her car into the driveway; and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs; 'Honey; pack your bags. I won the lottery!'; The husband said; 'Oh my God! What
should I pack; beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter; ' she
said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right; and
the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First; of course; he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed
him a card with the l etters; 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read
this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied; 'I know
the guy.'
***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them; 'I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank
God; ' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly; her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful; ' he said; 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TO O MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen; to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the!
salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the
world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?' The husband calmly replied; 'I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving.'
wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up; ' she purred; 'and
you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home; screeching her car into the driveway; and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs; 'Honey; pack your bags. I won the lottery!'; The husband said; 'Oh my God! What
should I pack; beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter; ' she
said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right; and
the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First; of course; he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed
him a card with the l etters; 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read
this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied; 'I know
the guy.'
***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them; 'I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank
God; ' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly; her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful; ' he said; 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TO O MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen; to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the!
salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the
world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?' The husband calmly replied; 'I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving.'
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Fungo Squiggly
Mortal enemy of all things Bucky
Yahoo Pickem Champ
Former Game Champion
'18 BPCFFB II Champ
'18 Keeper League Champ
OCBuckWife;1194099; said:
Did you miss the "pissing in cokes" part? :p
Upvote
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Why Men Are Happier People
Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, even though it's only for $32.50, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Automobiles:
A man can identify any American-made vehicle as to year, make and model going back to the early 1900s. This also applies to Lambourghinis, Porches, Ferraris, Jaguars and Maseratis.
A woman can tell you that the current car she drive has either 4 doors or 2.
Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book or go get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, but still wear his boots.
Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, even though it's only for $32.50, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Automobiles:
A man can identify any American-made vehicle as to year, make and model going back to the early 1900s. This also applies to Lambourghinis, Porches, Ferraris, Jaguars and Maseratis.
A woman can tell you that the current car she drive has either 4 doors or 2.
Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book or go get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, but still wear his boots.
Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
A friend recently took his two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. His daughter quickly became tired of walking, so he let her ride on his shoulders. But soon after he began carrying her, she began pulling on his hair. Although he asked her kindly to cease pulling his hair several times, she kept on. Getting fairly annoyed, he began to severely scold her.
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
FACTS TO PONDER
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health Human Services.
****************************************************************
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI
****************************************************************
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
****************************************************************
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
************************************************************************
Out of concern for the public at large,
I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health Human Services.
****************************************************************
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI
****************************************************************
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
****************************************************************
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
************************************************************************
Out of concern for the public at large,
I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Questions for Doctor Healthnut:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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