Best Jokes

[CCI]

The Big "D"

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.








Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me.








Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.








I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.








So take care.










Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.










I hope that's not a problem

 

[ScriptOhio]

Hunting Attorneys

[SIZE=+2]US Government Department of Fish and "wildlife" Sec. 1200[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]use of currency as bait is prohibited.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]machine, helicopter, or aircraft.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]100 yards of BMW dealerships.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]inspection for rabies, and vermin.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]for the purpose of hunting attorneys.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+2]BAG LIMITS[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2](Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder...............................2[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]2. Two-faced Tort Feasor ....................................1[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator .....................4[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]4. Small-breasted Ball Buster .............................3 (Female only)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut ......................................2[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]6. Honest Attorney On the Endangered Species List (Illegal to hunt)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]7. Cut-throat .........................................................2[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]8. Back-stabbing Whiner ......................................2[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser ...............................2[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY[/SIZE]

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Mike,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I
would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't
get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking
that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the
vacuum lines and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it
could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery
pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Mike

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy gasps, and starts choking ~ going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied.
'Divorce attorney

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

A Young woman is visiting a modern art gallery and stops in front of three side by side pictures. The first one is a picture of a burned toast, the second is the picture of a baby and the last one represents a man that had drowned in a river.

As the Curator walks by she asks him: "Excuse me but what do these pictures represent'?".

- "Oh it's a very popular exercise. The artist explores a theme and tries to depict it in different ways."

- The girl is even more perplexed "What is the theme?"

- "Pulled out too late!"

 

[Buckeye Buh Nim]

A well dressed woman walks into the Bank of New York. She approaches the receptionest and asks to speak with the President.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No"

"Well, the president is a very busy man and typically has a full schedule"


The woman repies- "You see I have a rather large sum of money to deposit and I insist on doing business face to face with bank officers"

"How much do you have?"

"10,000,000.00"

The receptionist buzzes the president, tells him about the deposit. The president comes forward and asks the woman into his office.

After some polite conversation about the womans goals with respect to the money the president asks:
"How did you come about this sizable sum of money?"

"I place bets"

"Sports?"

"No, I place various proposition wagers. For example, when I come by next Friday with all the paperwork for my accounts, I have a wager to propose with you"

"Go ahead"

"I propose that by noon next Friday your balls will be square, and am willing to wager the sum of 100,000.00 that it will happen."

The president chuckles, but figures this has been entertaining, and he can make a little money on the whole engagement. So he agrees.

The woman produces a contract and informs the president that whe will be back noon next Friday to complete their business.

Friday comes around, and the bank president shows up at his usual time. At 11:30 am, he is a little concerned and hits the head to check to make sure things are as they should be. They are.

At 11:45 am, the lady walks in with several well dressed men. The president figures these are her lawyers and invites them all into the office. She submits her paperwork and at 11:59 am, the president proudly announces that he has won his wager.

The woman looks at him and says that while he may claim this is the case, because they are dealing with a decent sum of money, she should be allowed o make sure. The president agrees, after all, it is 100,000.00. So he stands up, drops trousers and lets the woman examine away.

At this point one of the men in a suit begins to cry.

The woman tells the president that he has indeed won the bet and drafts a check for 100,000

The president asks about the crying man.

The woman tells him that she had bet him that she would have the president of the bank of New York by the balls by noon today for a sum of 10,000,000.00

 

[Mac]

A well dressed woman walks into the Bank of New York. She approaches the receptionest and asks to speak with the President.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No"

"Well, the president is a very busy man and typically has a full schedule"


The woman repies- "You see I have a rather large sum of money to deposit and I insist on doing business face to face with bank officers"

"How much do you have?"

"10,000,000.00"

The receptionist buzzes the president, tells him about the deposit. The president comes forward and asks the woman into his office.

After some polite conversation about the womans goals with respect to the money the president asks:
"How did you come about this sizable sum of money?"

"I place bets"

"Sports?"

"No, I place various proposition wagers. For example, when I come by next Friday with all the paperwork for my accounts, I have a wager to propose with you"

"Go ahead"

"I propose that by noon next Friday your balls will be square, and am willing to wager the sum of 100,000.00 that it will happen."

The president chuckles, but figures this has been entertaining, and he can make a little money on the whole engagement. So he agrees.

The woman produces a contract and informs the president that whe will be back noon next Friday to complete their business.

Friday comes around, and the bank president shows up at his usual time. At 11:30 am, he is a little concerned and hits the head to check to make sure things are as they should be. They are.

At 11:45 am, the lady walks in with several well dressed men. The president figures these are her lawyers and invites them all into the office. She submits her paperwork and at 11:59 am, the president proudly announces that he has won his wager.

The woman looks at him and says that while he may claim this is the case, because they are dealing with a decent sum of money, she should be allowed o make sure. The president agrees, after all, it is 100,000.00. So he stands up, drops trousers and lets the woman examine away.

At this point one of the men in a suit begins to cry.

The woman tells the president that he has indeed won the bet and drafts a check for 100,000

The president asks about the crying man.

The woman tells him that she had bet him that she would have the president of the bank of New York by the balls by noon today for a sum of 10,000,000.00

That was pretty funny

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, ?Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I?d really rather have a job?.

The social worker behind the counter says, ?Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You?ll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he?ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You?ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You?ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year?.

The guy says, ?You?re bullshitting me!?

The social worker says, ?Yeah, well, you started it.?

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Words of Wisdom

1. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

2. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

3. He who dies with the most toys is nontheless dead.

4. Procrastinate Now!

5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

6. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

[Best Buckeye]

BALANCE
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found
him resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,'
Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a
planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe will be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things.'

God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, 'What's that one?'

'That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving and
they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace,
and producers of software.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance.' God smiled

'There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put
there.'

 

[BuckyBalls]

Best of Larry the Cable Guy:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.



2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.



3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.



4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.



6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.



9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.



10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.



12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.



13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.



14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?



15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.



17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?



18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?



20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?



21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'



22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.



23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign behind the counter. It says "Cheese Sandwiches $2.00. Hand Jobs $10.00". He says excuse me miss. Are you the lady who gives the hand jobs? She says, yes I am. He says, then wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich...

 

[MightbeaBuck]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign behind the counter. It says "Cheese Sandwiches $2.00. Hand Jobs $10.00". He says excuse me miss. Are you the lady who gives the hand jobs? She says, yes I am. He says, then wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich...

By my quoting you, this makes FIVE times this jokes been posted. Come on, find some new ones, don't just take one from two pages back that was funny ten years ago....

 

[Nutriaitch]

A Bama fan saw an Auburn fan walking up the road, carrying a bag over his shoulder.
?Aubbie, what you got in thet bag??, he asked.
Aubbie said, ?I gots me some chickens in this here bag!?
Bama said, ?Aubie, if I guess how many chickens you got in thet there bag, can I have half of them??
Aubbie says, ?Gump, if you guess how many chickens I got in this here bag, you can have them both!?
Gump thinks for a minute and says, ?Seven!?

 

[OCBucksFan]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’
The man said ‘No,’ so, she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’
The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said ‘Have you ever been screwed?’
The fellow said ‘No.’
She said, ’You will be when the tide comes in.’