Rupert Pupkin
Better to be King for a night...
...sure, that'll get you life without parole in Seattle, but do the same thing in Clifton, NJ and they just elect you Mayor! [hold for laugh] Speaking of criminals...the Cincinnati Bengals were in the news again this week! [hold] Yeah, did you hear about this? Oh, don't worry, it's not too bad...nobody died this time! [hold] Nope, just a run of the mill arrest for a DUI. I think it's about time for the team to stop sending all players to the "Bob Huggins Institute of Driving", don't you? [hold] They're startin' 'em young in the Queen City these days. Rookie linebacker, fresh out of USC, Rey Maualualulu...Maua...[to cue card girl] Is that a name, or did you have an acid flashback when you wrote that?...Help me out here, Rey Maualuagugumaupoppaoomaomaopoppaoomaomamao [band plays "Surfin' Bird" by The Trashmen] poppaoomaomaopoppaoomaomamao...[to band] Now cut that out! [long hold, point to band] Lou Brown, everybody! [hold] Speaking of acid flashbacks...[hold]
Back to Rey...Maumaumcgoo...close enough...have you seen this guy? Kid gets millions of dollars the minute he signs a contract, and he still looks like he can't afford a haircut! I'm not saying the guy's "sweet", or anything, but I hear there's a 6'2", 255lbs Polynesian drag queen that makes the rounds in SoHo everytime the Bengals play the Jets. Coincidence? [hold] The police report says he was arrested in Covington, KY after leaving a bar past closing time, and crashing his SUV into two parked cars and a parking meter. Yeah, and to make matters worse, he had two passengers with him at the time...17 and 18 year old girls! That can get you in big trouble down in KY. If you get caught driving there while drunk off your ass at 3 in the morning, with two underaged girls you're trying to boink, you better damn well be related to them! [hold] But that's pretty typical for Rey...he never could handle a double team on the field, either. [hold]
I guess I can see why Rey-Rey would want to drown his sorrows, I mean he did take a huge pay cut, leaving the Trojans. [hold] But seriously, you kind of have to wonder about a guy who makes enough from losing football games to buy his home country, but his ambition in life is to be referred to as "Baby Daddy" by a couple of up and coming bar-flies. [hold] But, this was apparently the last straw for the coach of the Bengals, Marvin Lewis. He made a strong statement today saying the team will, "...no longer tolerate any players getting arrested in KY." [beat] He went on to say, "It's very important that more players get arrested in Cincinnati, that way the city can recoup some of the money it sinks into this dog of a team, even if only through court costs." [long hold]
Luckily for Cincinnati fans, March Madness is just around the corner. Not only can they cheer on Xavier, who will surely be the A10 team to go furthest into the NCAA tournament...all the way to the second round! [short hold] But, then there's the nail-biting excitement as the Bearcats strive every game to get one step closer to qualifying for the NIT! [hold] I hear UC is planning a "Donald Little Night" for today's game against Notre Dame...the first 500 people get a free coat hanger and lighter! [long hold]
We have a great show tonight, folks! Norman Fell is on the show! [hold] The lovely and talented Erin Gray! [hold] And get ready for tonight's musical guests, Siouxsie and the Banshees! [hold] Take it away, Lou! [theme music]
Back to Rey...Maumaumcgoo...close enough...have you seen this guy? Kid gets millions of dollars the minute he signs a contract, and he still looks like he can't afford a haircut! I'm not saying the guy's "sweet", or anything, but I hear there's a 6'2", 255lbs Polynesian drag queen that makes the rounds in SoHo everytime the Bengals play the Jets. Coincidence? [hold] The police report says he was arrested in Covington, KY after leaving a bar past closing time, and crashing his SUV into two parked cars and a parking meter. Yeah, and to make matters worse, he had two passengers with him at the time...17 and 18 year old girls! That can get you in big trouble down in KY. If you get caught driving there while drunk off your ass at 3 in the morning, with two underaged girls you're trying to boink, you better damn well be related to them! [hold] But that's pretty typical for Rey...he never could handle a double team on the field, either. [hold]
I guess I can see why Rey-Rey would want to drown his sorrows, I mean he did take a huge pay cut, leaving the Trojans. [hold] But seriously, you kind of have to wonder about a guy who makes enough from losing football games to buy his home country, but his ambition in life is to be referred to as "Baby Daddy" by a couple of up and coming bar-flies. [hold] But, this was apparently the last straw for the coach of the Bengals, Marvin Lewis. He made a strong statement today saying the team will, "...no longer tolerate any players getting arrested in KY." [beat] He went on to say, "It's very important that more players get arrested in Cincinnati, that way the city can recoup some of the money it sinks into this dog of a team, even if only through court costs." [long hold]
Luckily for Cincinnati fans, March Madness is just around the corner. Not only can they cheer on Xavier, who will surely be the A10 team to go furthest into the NCAA tournament...all the way to the second round! [short hold] But, then there's the nail-biting excitement as the Bearcats strive every game to get one step closer to qualifying for the NIT! [hold] I hear UC is planning a "Donald Little Night" for today's game against Notre Dame...the first 500 people get a free coat hanger and lighter! [long hold]
We have a great show tonight, folks! Norman Fell is on the show! [hold] The lovely and talented Erin Gray! [hold] And get ready for tonight's musical guests, Siouxsie and the Banshees! [hold] Take it away, Lou! [theme music]
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