sandgk
Watson, Crick & A Twist
So, You Need a Dry-Wall Screw Then?
OR
Never shop the hardware store on Memorial Day.
Little project was in the works - wife and I wanted to put back up our horsehair dart boards. (Nodor and a no-name - but that is just for background).
We have a Graduation party coming up for son number one and figured it was time to dress up the basement - two dart boards with scoring chalk and corkboard surrounds would be just the thing. Dueling darts for the hangers on. The boards are tournament style, not in cabinet, hang em high (5-foot 8-inches deadeye to the bull) on their own screw at the back. Which screw fits in to to the center slot of a Dart Board Hanger - which looks something like this.
Easy as pie really. So, hopes high, off I go to Lowes today to get the hanger. Lowes being a backup plan because all the game stores are closed and this notion of dueling dart boards was born last night - beer was involved.
To the hardware section. The inevitable five minutes of hunting is followed by the poor slob (we'll call him Wilbur to protect the innocent) who has to work on a holiday finally asking, "can I help you?"
Why - yes he can. I explain what the project involves, I need a dart board hanger - does he know what this is?
"Oh. So you need a Drywall Screw and an anchor."
Eh, no, not a drywall screw and anchors aweigh thanks all the same. There is a screw already in the the back of the board.
"How does that screw attach to the wall then?" He asks, almost smartly like.
It was probably here that I manged to bamboozle him, for I tell him that the screw in the back of the board does not actually attach to wall. Which, by his reaction must have seemed, well, magical.
"Huh?"
That's right, I tell him, the screw head protrudes from the back of the board, the head slots into the dart board hanger. By the way, are you sure you have seen one of these dart board hangers before?
"Oh, yes, and what you need is a Drywall Screw."
Look, let me draw you a picture, literally, do you have a pen?
"OK - "
So, I draw him a picture, a faithful rendition of the sought for piece of metalwork.
He looks at it for a moment, it as if a light of recognition has gone of in his head. I sense one of those golden moments when enlightenment is reached.
"I see!"
Hope abounds!
"What you need is Drywall Screw!"
- Is this clown the true black sheep of the Bush family? I wonder.
I look once again at his name tag -decide it is time for the personal touch.
Wilbur?
"Yes."
I do not need a drywall screw.
The whole thing is going onto a concrete wall.
If I needed any screws of any type they would surely be concrete screws. Though, I have to tell you Wilbur, that I already have concrete screws - and, I specifically asked for a hanger, not a a screw of any type. So, Wilbur, does Lowes have Dart Board Hangers?
"You can't screw into a concrete wall."
-- Now dear reader, bear in mind I am standing in the hardware section, blister packs of screws of all sizes, lengths and color are lined up like treats in a candy store. Those in blue are - concrete screws. I point them out to Wilbur --
These must not be a popular item then I guess?
"Well not if you can't screw 'em in."
At this point I am half way convinced that, if Wilbur had a brain in his noggin, he would taking the piss. The past few minutes interaction though has assured me that Wilbur is either
A - congenitally dumb, and/or
B - that irony, sarcasm or the ability to take the piss are skills he has yet to acquire.
So I take a different tack.
Wilbur?
"Yes"
Do you have any metal that you sell by the piece?
"Yes!"
-- Thinks - Success!! --
How much is a slotted single side - five foot long - give or take?
He walks me to the metal section. Pulls out a piece and scans it, four times and tells me it is just under $6.00.
I tell him that will do.
"For what?" He asks.
Why for that dart board hanger I tell him.
"Are you sure? - I was sure all you need are Drywall screws."
Tattered remnants of sanity intact, I take the metal piece. Thank Wilbur for his help and exeunt register left to begin the fabrication of my own dart board hanger - with the help of ingenuity, washers and those oh so impossible concrete screws.
OR
Never shop the hardware store on Memorial Day.
Little project was in the works - wife and I wanted to put back up our horsehair dart boards. (Nodor and a no-name - but that is just for background).
We have a Graduation party coming up for son number one and figured it was time to dress up the basement - two dart boards with scoring chalk and corkboard surrounds would be just the thing. Dueling darts for the hangers on. The boards are tournament style, not in cabinet, hang em high (5-foot 8-inches deadeye to the bull) on their own screw at the back. Which screw fits in to to the center slot of a Dart Board Hanger - which looks something like this.
Easy as pie really. So, hopes high, off I go to Lowes today to get the hanger. Lowes being a backup plan because all the game stores are closed and this notion of dueling dart boards was born last night - beer was involved.
To the hardware section. The inevitable five minutes of hunting is followed by the poor slob (we'll call him Wilbur to protect the innocent) who has to work on a holiday finally asking, "can I help you?"
Why - yes he can. I explain what the project involves, I need a dart board hanger - does he know what this is?
"Oh. So you need a Drywall Screw and an anchor."
Eh, no, not a drywall screw and anchors aweigh thanks all the same. There is a screw already in the the back of the board.
"How does that screw attach to the wall then?" He asks, almost smartly like.
It was probably here that I manged to bamboozle him, for I tell him that the screw in the back of the board does not actually attach to wall. Which, by his reaction must have seemed, well, magical.
"Huh?"
That's right, I tell him, the screw head protrudes from the back of the board, the head slots into the dart board hanger. By the way, are you sure you have seen one of these dart board hangers before?
"Oh, yes, and what you need is a Drywall Screw."
Look, let me draw you a picture, literally, do you have a pen?
"OK - "
So, I draw him a picture, a faithful rendition of the sought for piece of metalwork.
He looks at it for a moment, it as if a light of recognition has gone of in his head. I sense one of those golden moments when enlightenment is reached.
"I see!"
Hope abounds!
"What you need is Drywall Screw!"
- Is this clown the true black sheep of the Bush family? I wonder.I look once again at his name tag -decide it is time for the personal touch.
Wilbur?
"Yes."
I do not need a drywall screw.
The whole thing is going onto a concrete wall.
If I needed any screws of any type they would surely be concrete screws. Though, I have to tell you Wilbur, that I already have concrete screws - and, I specifically asked for a hanger, not a a screw of any type. So, Wilbur, does Lowes have Dart Board Hangers?
"You can't screw into a concrete wall."
-- Now dear reader, bear in mind I am standing in the hardware section, blister packs of screws of all sizes, lengths and color are lined up like treats in a candy store. Those in blue are - concrete screws. I point them out to Wilbur --
These must not be a popular item then I guess?
"Well not if you can't screw 'em in."
At this point I am half way convinced that, if Wilbur had a brain in his noggin, he would taking the piss. The past few minutes interaction though has assured me that Wilbur is either
A - congenitally dumb, and/or
B - that irony, sarcasm or the ability to take the piss are skills he has yet to acquire.
So I take a different tack.
Wilbur?
"Yes"
Do you have any metal that you sell by the piece?
"Yes!"
-- Thinks - Success!! --
How much is a slotted single side - five foot long - give or take?
He walks me to the metal section. Pulls out a piece and scans it, four times and tells me it is just under $6.00.
I tell him that will do.
"For what?" He asks.
Why for that dart board hanger I tell him.
"Are you sure? - I was sure all you need are Drywall screws."
Tattered remnants of sanity intact, I take the metal piece. Thank Wilbur for his help and exeunt register left to begin the fabrication of my own dart board hanger - with the help of ingenuity, washers and those oh so impossible concrete screws.
