Aug. 5, 2012, 9:17 p.m., Des Plaines River Trail, Park Ridge, Ill. (across the street from Big Ten headquarters). Two cars pull up. Two men walk out, dressed in trench coats and sunglasses, despite the fact it's 87 degrees and, you know, dark.
"Did anyone follow you," one man asks the other.
"No, I made sure to circle O'Hare Airport four times before coming here," the other man replies.
"Good. Bill, listen, I need your help," the first man says. "I know you're nationally respected in the officiating world. You officiated two Super Bowls and seven conference title games, plus numerous Big Ten games. You've held the Big Ten crews to an extremely high standard in this role. Your entire career has been built on being fair and honorable, blah blah, blah. Whatever. We need to make Penn State pay this year."
"What do you mean, Jim?" the other man asks. "You mean the bowl ban, the scholarship losses, the lost Big Ten postseason revenue and the transfers weren't enough?"
"No, not enough. They still get to play games. Let's penalize them on the field ... by not penalizing their opponents. Get it? Get it?
(Silence)
"Jeez, you refs have no sense of humor. OK, Bill, here's the deal. I want your crews to ignore every holding call against Penn State. Every borderline call goes against them. Replay guys, too. They're in on this. If a call goes against Penn State on the field, those guys had better uphold it."
"Jim, this sounds like a conspiracy! I thought that was just for angry fans to whine about when their team loses. It doesn't actually happen, does it?"
"Happens all the time, Bill."
"OK, so my crews will intentionally make calls against Penn State?"
"You got it. They'll probably want to run off to the ACC now [devilish laugh]."
"Even in the Ohio State game? They're on probation, too. And they actually embarrassed you more with that Sugar Bowl thing."
"Dangit, don't remind me. You're right. But yeah, borderline calls go to the Buckeyes when they visit State College."
"Um, OK, Jim. Don't you think it'll be obvious?"
"Nah, they'll never catch us, Bill. And just to make sure, I want your crews to blackball another team. Let's see, let's see, how about Michigan State?"
"Er, OK, Jim. Anyone benefiting from all this?"
"You mean besides the rest of college football? We probably owe Nebraska a bit for giving them such tough schedules during their Big Ten baptism. The Huskers will love us after this season. So that's the deal. We'll call it Operation Cowardly Lion, OK?"
"OK."
"Catch ya later. Remember, Bill, honoring legends, building leaders, it's what we do."
