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Jokes

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The phone rings and John picks it up.

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just
saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $2,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the new models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a
really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning
and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember?
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area,
beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $950,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have
that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $920,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye...I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand
while holding the phone and asks to all those seated nearby.

"Does any one know who this phone belongs to?"





A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.​

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'




A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real nasty one tonight, Dave

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for Gorilla Removers.
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner



"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!”.
 
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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."





A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little ???????. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."
 
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the
same kind of Lifesavers one at a time and asked them to identify them by
color and flavor.

The children began to say:
Red.................. cherry
Yellow............... lemon
Green................ lime
Orange............... orange

Finally, the professor gave them all honey flavored Lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify
the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,
"Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!"
 
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.​
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There was this young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.​
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you."
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "You mean you actually figured out some way to make an Internet connection?"




<!-- / message -->
 
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Dr. Visit

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"
 
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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. <?ZZZxml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes <O:P></O:P>

the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, <O:P></O:P>

breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. <O:P></O:P>

Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough <O:P></O:P>

there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. <O:P></O:P>

His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, <O:P></O:P>

what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you <O:P></O:P>

came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke <O:P></O:P>

some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself <O:P></O:P>

a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, <O:P></O:P>

Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean? <O:P></O:P>

And breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"

Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture ----- $2,000.00
Breakfast --------------- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk --
PRICELESS<O:P></O:P>
 
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10 husbands

10 Prior Husbands



A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle;
I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it
was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't
sure
whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how
to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!
 
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