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  • http://www.theonion.com/lib/createHeadline.php?h=Customer+Service+Operator+%3Chbr%3ESafely+In+%3Cbr%3ERemote+Location&max=410

    Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location


    <TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=410 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=textreg>PHOENIX, AZ—Incompetent and uncaring U-Haul helpline operator Kamio Morton's remote Phoenix location is the only thing protecting him from brutal, bloody revenge at the hands of thousands of irate customers, sources reported Monday. "Listen, shitass, get me a tow truck right this fucking minute or, so help me God, I'll gut you," stranded Brooklyn motorist Don Jewison said from the shoulder of Chicago's I-294, where he had been awaiting assistance for more than four hours. "Put me on hold one more time, and I'll put you in the fucking hospital." Jewison is the 63rd motorist to impotently threaten Morton's life this year, a streak that is expected to come to a sudden end when a U-Haul truck inevitably breaks down within walking distance of Phoenix.</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

    I browse the Onion from time to time and for some reason, today's headline struck me as especially funny:


    Some Old Man Still Churning Out Marmaduke

    MONTGOMERY, TX?Inching his feeble frame toward an old drafting table for quite possibly the millionth time, 83-year-old Brad Anderson begins his day the same way he always has: by closing his eyes and tracing the well-worn outline of America's most lovable dog.

    Anderson, who completed his 20,000th Marmaduke cartoon last month, created the post?World War II funnies-page staple in 1954. Today, almost six decades later, the plucky octogenarian continues his tireless work, bringing laughter and joy to millions of readers long since dead of old age.
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    Some highlights:

    Potato-Faced Youngster Lauded For Memorizing Primitive 26-Character Alphabet

    July 27, 2009 | Issue 45?30

    PHOENIX?Christopher Pierson, a glassy-eyed, slothful lump of a child who still watches cartoons despite being tall enough to reach a polymer-injection molding station, was endlessly praised Monday for recalling the scant 26 letters in the American alphabet.
    Nothing At All Happens To 28 Tibetan Protesters, Their Families

    July 27, 2009 | Issue 45?30

    YANTAI, CHINA?In a non-news event, which did not occur and therefore warrants no coverage, nothing at all happened to 28 Tibetan protesters and their screaming families this Monday.
    Yao Ming!

    EARTH?The entire world population confirmed Friday that Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is the greatest athlete in the history of sports and a glowing symbol of what hardworking citizens may become if they remain loyal to their government.

    Yao Ming officially averages 84 points per basketball game and has a shooting percentage of .9999998, Chinese basketball officials said. Furthermore, Yao Ming is perfectly healthy and, in fact, cannot be injured. Yao Ming is also a universally acknowledged beacon of humility and respect, and on the exceedingly rare occasion when he does miss a shot, he no doubt does so on purpose, selflessly ensuring that his lesser American teammates feel better about their own lackluster shooting percentages.
    Pristine Shipment Of Fish Product Contaminated By Filthy U.S. Inspectors

    July 20, 2009 | Issue 45?30

    LONG BEACH, CA?According to analysts, a perfectly clean and healthy shipment of Yu Wan Mei Tinned Fish Product, newly arrived from China, was rendered useless by the tainted hands of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration Monday. The inspectors?whose mercury-covered fingers had reportedly been dragged through towering mountains of bird dung before handling the superior fish product?molested the shipping container on the corrupt docks of California and took every effort to endanger the well-being of America's fish-consuming population. "The fish product was beautiful when it left our factories," said Zuo Xiabing, CEO of Yu Wan Mei. "It is no longer that way. I would prefer not to sell it to anyone in this impure condition, but sometimes the desire for fish product is so great that people will buy it no matter the risk." It is speculated that the vile inspectors somehow conjured superhuman speed and strength in order to puncture at least half of the lead-tin alloy containers and insert melamine into the other half. There exists no other explanation.鱼
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    Pet Owner Not Bothering To Neuter Loser Cat

    July 13, 2009 | Issue 45•29

    CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Mike Oakland, 29, told reporters Monday he is not about to pay $100 to have his 5-month-old cat, Mowgli, neutered, because he has no expectations that the dull, paunchy tabby will ever get laid.

    "For all he's going to use those balls, he might as well keep them," said Oakland, adding that he'd bet anyone any amount of money that the striped kitten will die a virgin. "He never leaves the house, and I've seen how the neighbor cat looks at him. Completely platonic." When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the Florida Humane Society reiterated that it's important to have all pets spayed or neutered, even ugly lame-o's who probably couldn't score in a roomful of calicos in heat.

    And the funniest video The Onion has ever done NSFW!!!

    Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career &bull; VideoSift: Online Video *Quality Control
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