How did you guys propose/pop the question???

[Thump]

Thought about it once....

Then she told me my schedule was getting annoying and I was going to have to give something up...baseball or football but this year-round coaching thing was going to end.

So I thought and thought and thought....

She asked me again, what are you giving up?

I told her we were returning the whole offensive line and the 3rd leading rusher in the state...we were struggling in baseball, but the JV team was loaded and the future looked great.

I did help her pack though.

grad21,

HS coaches have some of the highest divorce rates around.

 

[Cornerback6]

HS coaches have some of the highest divorce rates around.

You know, I've thought about this. I've really considered whether or not I should take a highschool football coaching job or not before I propose. It's not something you want to quit on, and at the same time, once you start, it's really tough to let go.

Just the amount of time that goes into it is a huge sacrifice in reference to the family, fiance...you name it. The time can be balanced I'm sure, but it can't possibly be that easy.

 

[osugrad21]

grad21,

HS coaches have some of the highest divorce rates around.

That is why I am in no hurry to get married...as soon as a woman starts to complain about the schedule, I know its a waste of time. If she doesn't like it now...she would really hate it in a few years. Throw in a few rugrats and its divorce city.

 

[Thump]

That is why I am in no hurry to get married...as soon as a woman starts to complain about the schedule, I know its a waste of time. If she doesn't like it now...she would really hate it in a few years. Throw in a few rugrats and its divorce city.

grad21,

Glad to see you have a good head on your shoulders. You are exactly correct.

 

[sandgk]

Thought about it once....

Then she told me my schedule was getting annoying and I was going to have to give something up...baseball or football but this year-round coaching thing was going to end.

So I thought and thought and thought....

She asked me again, what are you giving up?

I told her we were returning the whole offensive line and the 3rd leading rusher in the state...we were struggling in baseball, but the JV team was loaded and the future looked great.

I did help her pack though.

Here is another take on your story -- from the perspective of the long-time wed.

If its the real thing, ready for the long haul then you both accept each other as you are, and as you might change over time. After all that's what the eventual vows (in part) mean.


Consider the following paradox --
Commonly, a guy is generally interested in a woman as she is, and also as she changes. In fact a guy would often be perfectly happen if his wife was about the same today as she was when he met her, or married her.

In contrast, a woman is sometimes interested not in the man as he is, but rather in the product into which she can mold him. That can take on powerful and supportive aspects when your wife becomes your biggest booster. It can also take on a more negative, controlling, character similar to what you experienced, one in which a demand for change in the man is really a negotiating point.

Don't know how much it hurt to back away from this relationship. However, you did the right thing. Marriage isn't entered into lightly, and it should not require an emotional negotiation, an "or else" proposition.

Your proposal is basically an early offer to marry the lady for better or worse, and its perfectly reasonable that the young lady agrees to the same proposition, which is to have you as you are. Else, what or whom does she believe she loves?

 

[Deety]

In contrast, a woman is sometimes interested not in the man as he is, but rather in the product into which she can mold him.

#1 mistake most women make, IMO. I see so many people try to build the "perfect boyfriend" with the expectation that he would eventually become the "perfect husband." Sure, a man may act as you want him to act for a while, and then you can feel all nice about having such a perfect relationship. Problem is, you never actually get to know the other person, and it sets up problems in the long run.

Seems to me it's a lot smarter - if far more frustrating - to just encourage a guy to be himself and see if that's something that works, keeping in mind that it's probably not helpful to expect someone to be perfect. Also not fair to view someone else's flaws in a harsher light than your own, which is tough considering I've never met anyone who is particularly comfortable with their own flaws. And if it isn't a good match, no harm no foul and it doesn't mean someone isn't worthwhile - you can't get more subjective than in looking for a soulmate, right?

Of course, I'm 33 and single and in all likelihood have it all wrong.

This message has been sponsored by Bunny Pancakes, Inc.

 

[stxbuck]

Damn girl-I like how you think. I guess that's why you can stand hanging out on this board w/ all of us meatheads......

 

[Deety]

Damn girl-I like how you think. I guess that's why you can stand hanging out on this board w/ all of us meatheads......

Well, this place is very educational. I try to learn. Maybe someone'll get to thank you guys one day. And if not, maybe I'll try that whole thesis idea and at least get some more damn letters after my name.

 

[Oh8ch]

First, gotta say that I was genuinely touched by buckeyegrad's story. That was cool.

As for me, the first time didn't go at all as I had hoped.

I knew she was the one the first time I ever saw her - total knockout. It was only a month later that I decided to pop the question. I decided to surprise her at work. Just walked into the office, knelt down in front of her with everyone watching and pulled out the ring.

Talk about surprised. She had no idea who I was. Security escorted me out and she ended up filing a restraining order.


Second time I actually did propose at Mirror Lake. We had been dating for seven years - which was almost exactly how long the marriage lasted.


Third time she asked me. I was not at all excited about the idea of marriage at that point but went along rather than make waves. That was 18 years ago - and still counting.

(OK - one of the above didn't really happen.)

 

[sandgk]

#1 mistake most women make, IMO. I see so many people try to build the "perfect boyfriend" with the expectation that he would eventually become the "perfect husband." Sure, a man may act as you want him to act for a while, and then you can feel all nice about having such a perfect relationship. Problem is, you never actually get to know the other person, and it sets up problems in the long run.

Seems to me it's a lot smarter - if far more frustrating - to just encourage a guy to be himself and see if that's something that works, keeping in mind that it's probably not helpful to expect someone to be perfect. Also not fair to view someone else's flaws in a harsher light than your own, which is tough considering I've never met anyone who is particularly comfortable with their own flaws. And if it isn't a good match, no harm no foul and it doesn't mean someone isn't worthwhile - you can't get more subjective than in looking for a soulmate, right?

Of course, I'm 33 and single and in all likelihood have it all wrong.

This message has been sponsored by Bunny Pancakes, Inc.

In all likelihood, as well as in my experience, you have it exactly right.
Thus, when your single status changes, I predict a long and happy future for your and your soulmate to be.

 

[tyrus]

"How did you guys propose/pop the question???"

As she was going down on me, I asked her the question: Are you going to swallow this?



Are we talking about the same question?




j/k






By the way, I have never been married and never will.

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

I am a FIRM believer in the age old saying

A Woman marries a man knowing she can and will change him... but NEVER does...

A Man marries a woman hoping she will never change... but she does...


In there lies the problems/opportunites...or pragmatic realism... whichever applies...

 

[coxew]

Mine was the farthest you can get from a surprise - we went together to buy the rings, then made reservations at the Wildwood Inn in Florence, KY.
Had dinner at the rotating restaurant in Cincinnati. Nothing spectacular, but it was a memorable night.

I live less than 10 minutes from the Wildwood Inn. Never been there but a pretty wild looking place from outside. In fact, I don't even know of anyone that has ever been there.

She knew it was coming (she afterall designed the ring), I asked her dad a month later if I had his permision. He said yes, and proceeded to tell her mom, who ran up to her and got all excited that I asked her dad (which should have been kept on the down low), so now she knows a ring had been designed, and her dad had given his blessing.

The same thing happened with a good friend of my wife. The guys talks to the dad, dad tells mom, and the next thing you know a well thought out surprise has been ruined. I don't know if the guy ever found that she knew or not. I'd be pissed if that happened to me, which is why I guess not a single person knew I had even bought the ring.

 

[gbearbuck]

cox,

I was more surprised and shocked more than upset. It wasn't a secret that the two of us planned on getting married... heck, at every major holiday family and friends would ask us when (not if) it was going to happen. We'd been dating for several years, lived in different cities, hung out most weekends (I'd drive over or she would), talked openly about what we wanted in a marriage etc.

We've been married for almost three years, and the questions have now turned to children.

Why can't parents accept the fact we don't want kids at this point in our lives???????

 

[LoKyBuckeye]

cox,

I was more surprised and shocked more than upset. It wasn't a secret that the two of us planned on getting married... heck, at every major holiday family and friends would ask us when (not if) it was going to happen. We'd been dating for several years, lived in different cities, hung out most weekends (I'd drive over or she would), talked openly about what we wanted in a marriage etc.

We've been married for almost three years, and the questions have now turned to children.

Why can't parents accept the fact we don't want kids at this point in our lives???????

We went though the same thing. We were married 6 years when we had our boys. For us it was best to wait and her mom didn't understand that. We did everything we wanted to do while we had the chance.