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Headlines you won't see in 2012

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"Tebow cites hookers in trunk, bath salts and midget porn as primary inspirations for getting to the Super Bowl"

"Lindsay Lohan wins 'Most Beautiful Teeth' award"

"Carrie Underwood finally poses for Playboy; magazine goes bankrupt after failing to sell a single copy"

"Hoke, Weis, Mangino, Terry Bowden meet at summit to discuss how a healthy diet is the key to a successful FBS coaching tenure"

"Justin Bieber wows at the NFL combine"

"Epstein names Bartman as new Cubs Third Base Coach"

"Joe Montana, Lynn Swann, Nick Saban headline 'Most Humble' event"

"Morgan Trent early favorite for HOF induction"

"Favre, Bielema find loophole, enroll him in graduate school to play a final year of college football at Wisconsin"

"Crist, Sun Belt QBs lead Heisman finalist list"
 
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Tim Tebow disavows "cult of personality" that has grown up around him and requests that his fans no longer refer to praying as Tebowing.

Joe Paterno celebrates 86th birthday.

Miami of Ohio wins NCAA men's hockey championship.

Southeastern Conference universities vote to emphasize academics and research over athletics.

Rick Perry: Mensa's newest member!
 
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"Columbus Blue Jackets look to complete sweep of Stanley Cup finals"

"Youngstown State upsets Duke to reach NCAA Final Four!"

"Rosie O'Donnell turns down $2 million offer from Playboy"

"Barack Obama steps down citing 'Gross Incompetence' in Office"

"Jerry Sandusky hired as new President of Boy Scouts of America"

"Cleveland Cavaliers Capture first NBA Championship!"
 
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"S-E-C chant changed to S-C after Mizzou student points out Southeastern is a single word, doesn't have same ring"

"BYU updates ethics policy: no longer OK to hurt people; football team disbanded"

"Jim Bollman named Gene Smith's successor, demands control of offensive playcalling"

"Cincinnati wins National Championship in something"
 
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"Cleveland Named City of Champions!"
"Bhutan Wins Most Gold Medals in London Olympics"
"Gibson and Bryant Lead Successful Campaign to Rewrite California Divorce Laws"
"Facebook Users Happy with Unexpected Format Changes"
"World Ends December 9, 2012--Mayans Blew It"
 
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