Report: Only Matter Of Time Before A 'SportsCenter' Host Snaps, Blows Brains Out On Live Television
BRISTOL, CT?Citing the increasingly frenetic pace at which SportsCenter anchors and correspondents are forced to report the same shallow feature items, gushing personality profiles, and artificially inflated news stories, media analysts announced Friday that ESPN was at great risk of seeing one of its hosts die of a self-inflicted gunshot wound during a live broadcast.
"Even a casual viewer, say someone who watches SportsCenter three or four times a week, can see that the warning signs have been there for a while," Dr. Susan Scheub of Syracuse University said. "The strained faces of the presenters as they read yet another Tim Tebow story late last year, their tortured voices as they tried to pass off the statistical anomaly of 'Linsanity' as some sort of magical phenomenon?classic evidence of stress and trauma. Given what I've seen on the show this week, I'd be surprised if we get through the Peyton Manning free-agency tour without a tragic incident, let alone March Madness."
Scheub was most likely referring to an incident earlier this week in which obviously upset SportsCenter anchor Kevin Negandhi discussed Manning's visit to the Tennessee Titans for the 11th time while absentmindedly brandishing a large-caliber handgun, his voice pitching higher and higher as he spoke more and more quickly, often using the firearm to rub his temple, support his chin, or gesture at guest commentator Adam Schefter.
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