start with Charlie Weiss, remove any/all public etiquette, literacy, any semblance of class, and lower his IQ by at least 50%, then add a ridiculously high percentage chance of ending up on probation.
that's Ed Orgeron
hiring Ed, you'll also likely get a few bonuses, like:
Worst loss in 100+ year series history vs. multiple conference foes
First coach in over a generation to lose to Mississippi State twice
First ever loss to a Sunbelt program
Worst defense your team has ever seen
complete implosion of roster leaving you with only 39 scholarship players
Opportunity to start your 5th WR at QB