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Ed Orgeron (mumble mumble)

start with Charlie Weiss, remove any/all public etiquette, literacy, any semblance of class, and lower his IQ by at least 50%, then add a ridiculously high percentage chance of ending up on probation.

that's Ed Orgeron

hiring Ed, you'll also likely get a few bonuses, like:

Worst loss in 100+ year series history vs. multiple conference foes
First coach in over a generation to lose to Mississippi State twice
First ever loss to a Sunbelt program
Worst defense your team has ever seen
complete implosion of roster leaving you with only 39 scholarship players
Opportunity to start your 5th WR at QB
LOL. You copied that from the Cleveland Browns.
 
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