DontEvenReply.com

[Fungo Squiggly]

Thank god there weren't too many or I wouldn't get anything done today.

Original ad:
26 year old female who loves music looking for friendly male concert buddy.

i have tickets to see STS9 tomorrow night and am looking for someone to go with me to see them. you must be 420 friendly!
From Timmy Tucker to ***********@***********.org

Dear potential concert buddy,

I saw your ad and am very interested. I love music. About myself, I am a 25-year-old music loving male. I see all kinds of concerts and would love to check out STS9, I'm not quite sure what kind of music that is.

I am not sure what you mean by 420 friendly, however. Do you live near route 420? That isn't a problem for me, since it is kind of on the way to Philly anyway. Email me back if you want to go to the show with me.

Thank you,

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

hi tim. i wasn't talking about route 420...you have to be "cool" if you know what I mean.

stacey

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

Glad to hear back from you! Unfortunately I am a little confused. I am cool, at least my mother and co-workers say so. So if you want someone who is cool, I am your guy!

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

no i dont think you get me. you need to be down with the chronic lol. ya get me?

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

Are you talking about Dr. Dre's album The Chronic? I love hip hop! Is that what kind of music STS9 is? I assure you that I am "down" with that album. You can play it in the car on the way to the show if you like.

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

um no...ok i dont think you are the type person i want to go to the concert with no offense

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

I'm not sure why you suddenly decided not to go to the concert with me. I am kind of disappointed, because I just bought an ounce of headies and was looking for someone else to smoke it with. My other friend has tickets to go see bisco in Baltimore so I guess I'll just go with him.

Sorry we couldn't be friends,

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

wtf are you fucking serious? why were you being so dense about the 420 thing! and wtf you are seeing bisco but you never heard of sts9?

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

I'm not sure what you mean about the "420 thing." What are you talking about?

From Stacey ***** to Me

ugh nvm

 

[AmeriBuck007]

Amazing

Original ad:
i need a ride from philly to bonnaroo in manchester, TN! i will throw up some cash for gas. i dont have that much stuff either. i am a down ass chick and will be fun to ride with!

From Mike Anderson to Katie ********

My truck is pretty big. It is a Mazda Miata and it can hold around 3 people. You will probably have to sit on Steve's lap. He's fat though, so it will be somewhat comfortable to sit on. Are you attractive? My only concern is that Steve may get turned on when you are sitting on his lap. If this is an issue, you can sit on Josh's lap because he is gay. The only problem with that is that if you are fat, you may crush him because he is a small dude. But if you are fat you can probably just sit on Steve's lap without him getting aroused.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Anderson to Katie ********

Do you have a car? You can just follow us down there in your car if you want more room. I take the long way, however, since if I get pulled over in Kentucky or Virginia I will probably go to jail. We are going around, through Missouri. Missouri is really nice though!

From Katie ******* to Me

IF I HAD A CAR I WOULDNT NEED A FUCKING RIDE

THIS IS RIDICULOUS IM DONE TALKING TO YOU

 

[Mac]

I loved the Nationals one and the car ad where he hit his dog. Both made me laugh first thing this morning

 

[Mac]

Cemented Couch

Original ad:
FREE COUCH! i have a free plaid couch on the curb outside my house. the address is 39 ******* rd come and get it!

From Mike Anderson to **********@*******.org
Hey. I am tired of driving down ******* and seeing your ugly couch. It is ruining the neighborhood. What the hell were you thinking when you bought that? Nobody is going to want that thing! It better not be there when I drive past tomorrow.

From ************@gmail.com to Me
if you dont like it why dont u come and fuckin get it. tough shit if u dont like seeing it. its only been out there 1 day!

From Mike Anderson to ************@gmail.com
One day too many. I don't want your shitty couch. Maybe I would if I was a Scottish guy living in the 70's, but I'm not. That couch looks like what would happen if a parrot and a rhino fucked and had a freak baby, and then that baby grew up and then took a shit on your curb. Why don't you pay someone to haul that piece of shit away?

From ************@gmail.com to Me
fuck you buddy! tough shit. drive a different way

From Mike Anderson to ************@gmail.com
I like going that way because it is scenic. Well, at least it was until you put that pile of shit out there. If it is stil there tomorrow, I am going to come back during the night and cement it to your driveway.

From ************@gmail.com to Me
COME AND TRY IT MOTHERFUCKER ILL BE WAITING

 

[ulukinatme]

I had to take a break half-way through....

Continuation from the farm one:

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

 

[ulukinatme]

Original ad:
i am 17 years old and looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car for a student please let me know. thank you!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@*******.org

Hey there!

I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself. I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that mileage might change. I'm estimating it will be somewhere around 148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my bike to Wawa.

The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

- The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the ashtray, it's all yours.
- Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great. It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. I'll throw in a Raffi cassette tape for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise & Shine Band, and is an excellent album.
- The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it won't open. Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can smell it in the car. It isn't that bad if you light some incense. I dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if you find em.
- The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked from the last time this happened, but the crack isn't that bad. In fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.
- Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there don't really stop, but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of everything.
- There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.
- There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Don't say who I am though.
- I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a freight train horn. It is really loud and I don't recommend using it, I have caused several accidents with it.

Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young driver! I actually call it the "ladies mobile" because the chicks dig it.

I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

Thanks,

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

hey thanks for the offer! $6000 sounds like a little much for that car. my dad only gave me a $4000 budget, would you be willing to take that?

From Mike Anderson to joey ********
Son, you obviously have no experience in buying vehicles. When I said I was willing to negotiate, I meant I was willing to take more money for the car if you wanted to give it to me. Minimum is $6,000. Talk to your dad, and he will tell you that this car is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. He'll be pissed if he saw that you passed this up.

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

What the hell is wrong with you? That car is a piece of shit! Stop e-mailing my son, you moron.

 

[ulukinatme]

From Timmy Tucker to **********@***********.org
RE: Air Hockey Table

Hello,

I saw your ad for an air hockey table and had a question about it. My girlfriend tells me has always wanted to have sex on an air hockey table. Before I shell out $150 for this, I just wanted to know if sex on an air hockey table is practical and/or really even worth it. I told her if she wanted air blowing on her we could just lay on a window fan, but she is insisting that I get an air hockey table. What do you think?

Tim

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me

Dont think it is as sturdy as my pool table but you two can c0ome try it out and let me know

From Timmy Tucker to **********@yahoo.com

Great. I'll let my girlfriend know. Will we have privacy, or are you going to be there to make sure we don't break it?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me

I will be there for support and help but very private

 

[Mr_Burns]

One of the latest ones

Insulting Parrot
Posted at: 2009-08-03 10:49:00 | 153 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
PARROT WANTED
I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want!

Thanks!
From Me to **************@*********.org

Hi there!

I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him?

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot.

We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat twat." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, bitch" whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a "cocksucking grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day.

Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song.

The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and shit on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to shit!" until I let him out. It can go on for hours.

My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally.

I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you?

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA!

From Me to Sandra ***********

Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan fucking Sam for free.

I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill.

If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport.

From Sandra ********* to Me

You are a f*cking lunatic.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more.

 

[Mr_Burns]

Disguised Weapons

 

[ImFrigginFly]

Disguised Weapons

Oh man the 12 guage kleenex box haha

 

[Buckeye513]

 

[Muck]

WANTED - Microwave
I am looking for a used microwave. WHITE ONLY

I have a LG microwave that I want to sell for $30. I am aware that your ad said whites only, but I am an African American. I sincerly hope that this won't be a problem for you, and we can put race issues aside and just do business.

Thank you,
Jamal

I am so sorry that you misread my ad. I meant the microwave should be white, because it would match my kitchen.

Amy

Oh, so because I am black, you think that I can't read? It really is amazing that the world we live in is still so racist. I'm sorry, but your insults have left me feeling sick. I don't think I can sell my microwave to a bigot.

Sincerely offended,
Jamal

I wasn't suggesting that you couldn't read. I'm not racist. If you read my whole email you would see that the ad was looking for a white microwave, not a white person. I changed the ad to avoid any confusion.

Amy

So now you think that because I am black, I am too lazy to read your whole e-mails. Your racism is overwhelming. You will never get my microwave from me. I will, however, sell you a burning cross for your next klan meeting. Does $20 for the cross sound fair?

I can't write anything without you being offended! I give up!

So you don't want the microwave?

Will you still sell it to me?

I would never sell anything to a racist.

Ugh I'm done with you.

Extra points for pulling her back in at the end...

 

[Tonyank]

I love you for finding this site. I laughed so fucking hard my stomach hurt.

 

[sepia5]

Original ad:
Humane "hav a heart" traps for kittens needed
There are some kittens in my neighborhood that need to find good homes. I need a trap 4 the cats to help bring them in. Please email me if you have a trap (and a heart)!
From Me to *********@********.org:

Hello,

Are you still looking for a trap for cats?

Mike

From Deb ******* to Me:

Yes I am can you help me?

From Me to Deb *******:

I most certainly can! I believe this trap is for those who want to "have a heart." I used it to catch a stray cat that kept coming into my garage. It is called the KittyHugger. All you have to do is put some cat food on the trigger, and when the cat comes to eat it, the trap gently contracts into a hugging position and comfortably hugs the cat until you come back to deal with the little guy. Please let me know if this will work.

Mike

From Deb ******* to Me:

Mike- I have never heard of a trap like that. I was referring to the "Havahart" traps...you know like the cages for animals?? Do you have any pictures of the trap? I'd like to see how it works before I get it. Thanks.

From Me to Deb *******:

Absolutely. I've attached a picture of it. Sorry if it is a little messy; I haven't cleaned the trap in a while.

Attachment:

From Deb ******* to Me:

YOU'RE SICK!

From Me to Deb *******:

Excuse me?

From Deb ******* to Me:

You killed that poor cat OMG

From Me to Deb *******:

I didn't kill the cat. I told you it was a little messy. The last cat I caught knocked over the bowl of juice I gave him so he wouldn't get thirsty. As you can see, it made quite the mess. I assure you this trap is 100% safe and humane.

From Deb ******* to Me:

IT OBVIOUSLY IS NOT SAFE. IT IS COVERED IN BLOOD

From Me to Deb *******:

You've clearly never seen a juice spill before. You have a twisted imagination if you think that is blood. I guess you don't want the trap.

Before you give up on me, I have one more trap you may be interested in. I actually think it is one of those Have a Heart traps you were talking about, though I've never heard it called that.

Please see the attachments. As you can see from the pictures, the kitty will have plenty of room to be safe and comfortable. It comes with a black tube at the end that is used to pump warm air into the cage to keep him warm while he waits to be released.

I'm sorry I didn't have time to clean the trap. It is still a little messy because the last cat I had in there spilled his bowl of juice and his cat food. It went everywhere!

Mike

Attachment:

From Deb ******* to Me:

Wow can't you read the ad you sick jerk? I DON'T WANT TO KILL THEM

How you managed to turn that trap into a bloody mess is a mystery to me but keep the hell away from me!!!

 

[sharkonwheels]

awwww man ! I was looking for that site!

Is that the one that he responded to needing a ride, and he wanted to take a TV, cooler, fridge, and all kinda' shit?
And it was like in a Civic, but he had a truck and didn't want to spend the gas?

Shit is funny