Operation Bratwurst just the start of Urbanator 1000's sinister plot
Shortly after new Ohio State coach Urban Meyer wrapped his first recruiting class, one of his fellow Big Ten coaches began complaining. Wisconsin's Bret Bielema, stung from the flip of Cleveland offensive lineman Kyle Dodson, promised Thursday to bring his grievances against Meyer to Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. Bielema has no idea what he's up against. Early Friday morning, SI.com intercepted a series of transmissions between a Skyline Chili location in suburban Columbus, Ohio, and the forge at the Vulcan statue overlooking downtown Birmingham, Ala. Something far more sinister is afoot...
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Begin transmission.
To: Sliveborg
From: Urbanator 1000
Mission complete. Have successfully assimilated Ohio State fan base into our way of life. Flipped eight players committed to other schools. Enraged fellow Big Ten coaches. Zero resistance from Ohio State fans. All have defended my actions in Operation Bratwurst. Bret Bielema being lampooned in Columbus media. Had you installed humor chip, would have appreciated link between America's Dairyland and "cheese with whine" jokes. All in scarlet and gray seem to have completely forgotten that three years ago, they thought Urban Meyer was scum and SEC-style recruiting was on par with
Toddlers and Tiaras as a sign of America's moral decay. It appears That School Up North may also come to our side. Awaiting further instructions.
End transmission.
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Begin transmission.
To: Urbanator 1000
From: Sliveborg
Excellent. I suspected you would turn them, but I didn't believe it would happen so quickly. I must remember to reduce the daily lashings for the science team by six -- one for each consecutive national title -- for inventing Liquid Coach and allowing me to replace the real Urban Meyer with a competition-killing robot. (In case you're wondering, your flesh-and-blood doppelganger is safely in hiding as the tambourine player for Jimmy Buffett's Coral Reefer Band. He will be stashed at Mike Leach's house in Key West when the tour ends next month. We have nothing to worry about. He still has no desire to coach.) In the next few months, we must sow more seeds of discord in the Big Ten for my master plan to come to fruition. In the closet of your office at Ohio State, you will find a large box. Open it. Inside, you will find a bald, trim facsimile of a human being. Turn him on by yanking his tongue. Then take him to the highest wattage radio station in Columbus. By the end of March, Saul Binefaum will have the highest rated show in the Midwest.
End transmission.
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