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Best Jokes

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I always liked this one:

After a hard month at work, a pimp came by to check on his prostitute. She smiled, having had a ton of customers, and handed him her money for the month.

The pimp nodded at the intake, but was shocked to see exactly what was there. "A thousand dollars, and 25 cents? Who gave you 25 cents?"

The hooker looked confused, and thought about it for a second before replying: "Well... they all gave me 25 cents!"



Here's another I like:

One day, the Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when the Lone Ranger had to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis -- go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake. What do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"
 
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Not sure if this really counts as a joke, but it had me crying when I read it the first time:

More Soap Sir?</SPAN>


Taken from "A Hotel Is A Funny Place", "A Hotel Is A Place", copyright 1972 and 1985 by Shelly Berman with permission.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
Her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little Bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet,
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just
5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in
late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
Night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you
realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size
Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so
I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

</SPAN>

</SPAN>
 
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This is a version of my favorite joke:

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'
 
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A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that
Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just
came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be
discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!

 God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."
 
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I have had to place a moratorium on reading any more BloodNinja chats at work. people are starting to think there is something wrong with me. They must think I am either a Schizophrenic with turretts, or a chronic Masturbater because I keep having to go to the kitchen and get handfulls of paper towels to clean the coffee off my monitor.

I will have to monitor the exploits of BloodNinja from home from now on. :wink2:
 
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Increase your attentiveness at work tip

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down.

That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy

* strategic fit

* core competencies

* best practice

* bottom line

* revisit

* take that off-line

* 24/7

* out of the loop

* benchmark

* value-added

* proactive

* win-win

* think outside the box

* fast track

* result-driven

* empower (or empowerment)

* knowledge base

* at the end of the day

* touch base

* mindset

* client focus(ed)

* paradigm

* game plan

* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrase.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"





Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

* "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."- Jack W., Boston

* "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- David D., Florida

* "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

* "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours."- Kathleen L., Atlanta

 
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The CIA was seeking candidates for the position of field agent. On the day in question they had three applicants to interview. Each applicant was instructed to bring his wife with him to the interview. Before the interview the applicant and his wife were instructed to wait in a small room which was connected to the interview room by a door. When the applicant's turn came, he was directed to leave his wife in the room and go through the door to the adjoining room for his interview.
<o =""></o>
The first candidate was a recent college graduate, in his early twenties. He enters the room and takes a seat. A Colt 45 Automatic pistol is lying on the desk.

Interviewer: As you know the CIA is responsible for the security of our nation. This job you are seeking can be difficult and requires unquestioned loyalty and obedience to orders.<o =""></o>

Applicant: I won't have any problem with that. I have just completed four hard years of college and I can do anything.

I: Good! Pick up the pistol which is on the desk between us, go into the next room and shoot your wife.

A: <st1:street><st1:address>No Way</st1:address></st1:street>!! I love my wife. We have only been married for a few months and she is most important thing in the world to me. I cannot do that.

I: Interview terminated, next applicant.

The next applicant enters the room and sits down. He is a man of about thirty with some experience in law enforcement.

I: As you know the CIA is responsible for the security of our nation. This job you are seeking can be difficult and requires unquestioned loyalty and obedience to orders.

A: That isn't a problem. In my years as a police officer I have learned the value of following orders. I can, and will, do so.

I: Good! Pick up the pistol which is on the desk between us, go into the next room and shoot your wife.

A: You've got to be kidding! I couldn't possibly do that! She is the mother of my children. I love my wife and children. You must be out of your mind!

I: Interview terminated, next applicant.

The final applicant enters the room. He is a man of about forty five, a little gray around the temples, with more than a few miles on him

I: As you know the CIA is responsible for the security of our nation. This job you are seeking can be difficult and requires unquestioned loyalty and obedience to orders.

A: I can do that!

I: Good! Pick up the pistol which is on the desk between us, go into the next room and shoot your wife.

The applicant picks up the pistol, goes into the next room and two rapid shot are heard. Following a few moments of silence, all hell breaks loose in the room. The sounds of screaming, furniture being destroyed and glass being broken is heard. Finally, the room grows quiet, the door opens and the applicant reenters. His clothing is torn and he is scratched and bloody. It is obvious that he has been in a violent confrontation. He sits down at the desk.

I: My God man! What happened?

A: Some idiot put blanks in that pistol and I had to strangle her!<o =""></o>
 
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A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No he went to the store."
" Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Wendy, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see them."

Wendy thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows them. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to feel them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just touch them."

Wendy thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long feel. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says,
"You know your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says,
"Well did he drop off the 200 vbucks he owes me?"
 
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Compliments of Maxim

Q. What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

A. The congo line at a nursing home
===========================================
An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she's ever cheated on him.
"I love you," she says, "but I must confess. I've been unfaithful to you three times"
"What?" yells the man. "When?"
"The first time was when we were denied a mortgage." she explains. "I went to the banker, and persuaded him to give us the loan"
"The second time was when you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills," she says.
"I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free".

"and what about the third time?" the husband demands
"Remember when you ran for mayor," the wife begins, "and you were behind by 300 votes?"
============================================
 
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Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking and the one blonde says to the other. "What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon? " The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooooooooooooo.... can you see Florida?"


A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."


Q: Why do blonde women have bruised belly buttons?
A: Blonde men.
 
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