...and how about those Cincinnati Bengals? [hold for laugh/groans] Tough loss for the "AFC North Champions". [pause] That's kind of like saying I was the Clifton, NJ stickball champion in 1958...I was the only kid in the neighborhood who didn't have polio! [hold, turn to band] Polio! [hold] My best friend Joey made a great second base. [pause] Oh, he didn't play second base, he couldn't walk. He was second base! [long hold]
But, the Bengal's quarterback, Carson Palmer, did achieve something that no man had ever done before...his first pass attempt of the game has just entered the Earth's orbit! Top that Neil Armstrong! [long hold] When asked about it, Palmer said, "That's one giant choke job by an over-rated quarterback; one small reason why Cincinnatians miss Marge Schott". [hold for groans] Hey, cut me some slack...we decided to not to do the monologue written by Chad Ochocinco at the last minute...our budget couldn't cover all the props! [long hold]
He's an entertaining guy, that Ocho-stink...Ocho...Nacho-ocho...jingleheimer...[look to stage manager]...what's his name this week? [hold] Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter at this point. [hold] There was a kid on my block, Travis, who acted a lot like Ocho...nueve. He did all the same things: always trying to get attention, changed his name, wore flashy outfits, always playing with balls and toys. [pause] I haven't seen him in years, but I hear you can find him if you go to the bus station parking lot, and ask the guy in the Lincoln if "Saphire" is available for a "date". [long hold]
But you have to hand it to Bengals fans. They stand by their team through thick and thin. [hold for applause] I'm assuming only because they don't know what "thick" feels like! [hold for laugh] But I feel bad for the die-hard Cincinnati fans today. Braving the bitter cold to root on their team, really believing that this could be the year, this could be the game that makes up for all the bitter disappointments in the past! And then the slow realization that their team just isn't that good! [hold] It's like my old man used to say all the time...."Can't you do anything right?!?" [long hold]
But this heart-breaker is really going to test the Cincinnati fan base; show who the true fans are. After today, we'll see two types of Bengal fans: the ones who bought Vikings jerseys this year, and the ones who are stuck with the Troy Aikman jerseys hanging in their closet. [motion to band]
I think you're really going to enjoy our musical guests tonight, they're headin' for the big time...the Cocteau Twins!
