-
Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
- Thread starter Buckeyeskickbuttocks
- Start date
DiamondBuck
Football is 100% physical, 100% mental.
In a 2009 survey of consumer taste preferences among national chains by Brand Keys, Domino's was last — tied with Chuck E. Cheese's. In December that year, Domino's announced plans to entirely reinvent its pizza. It began a self-criticizing ad campaign in which consumers were filmed criticizing the then-current pizza's quality and chefs were shown developing a new pizza.[26][27]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domino's_Pizza
GBYDBYMSOB
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domino's_Pizza
GBYDBYMSOB
Upvote
0
I saw this tweet from Scooter last night....Ohio State has fewer losses from the hire date of Jim Tressel than scUM has since the hire date of Dickrod.
Upvote
0
It's like I've said, the guy fucked up pizza for years. Their fans were trumpeting him as some savior...some kind of marketing genius that was gonna make the "m*ch*g*n" brand "elite." I just laughed. The guy took one of the most awesome things ever...pizza...and made it lousy. How was he gonna take something lousy...m*ch*g*n...and make it great?
Upvote
0
http://www.michigansuperfan.com/
This was written after the MSU game. Can't wait for this week's installment...
This was written after the MSU game. Can't wait for this week's installment...
Upvote
0
Rupert Pupkin
Better to be King for a night...
...Vice President Walter Mondale did seem to take the results of Tuesday's general election
in stride, however. When asked how he felt about his historic loss to President Elect
Ronald Reagan, he said: "Well, I did win in Minnesota. Which, I believe puts me ahead of
Michigan in the Big Ten standings." [Hold for laughter]
Boy, Michigan football...What happened there, huh? Have you been following this? The
University of Michigan Wolverines, the winning-est program in college football history, the
benchmark by which all other schools are measured, a team who's history and lore are of
biblical proportions...and not just because their last meaningful win occurred before Moses
was circumcised [hold]...The mighty Maize and Blue just suffered the second of what must be
the worst consecutive losses in school history to "little brother" Michigan State and the
Nebraska Cornhuskers. In fact, the last time Michigan saw two defeats this ugly was when a
drunken Rita Rodriguez kicked off her leopard print pumps at the 2009 Christmas in
Kalamazoo bash. [turn to bandleader] Oh, those puppies weren't pretty, Lou!...Talk about corn
huskers! Yow![hold]
Now, at first glance, the final score of 17-13 may seem like a close game. That is until
you realize that Michigan managed to put up a solid 17 of their own...rushing yards by
their running backs...combined. [hold] I'm starting to think Fitzgerald "Toussaint" may be
a little "too sweet" to play this game, if you know what I mean. Oh, I'm not trying to say
the guys light in his loafers, or anything, the guy runs like he's wearing lead shoes! But
I haven't seen a guy pass through the arms of so many other men like that since Paul Lynde
at the Can't Stop the Music premiere. [hold] You're probably wondering, "How could the
Wolverines come within three minutes of winning a game where their offense was more flaccid
than Jerry Sandusky at the Miss Universe Pageant?" Well, it was partly due to Nebraska's
three turnovers, and partly because, after Taylor Martinez's injury, Nebraska alternated
two quarterbacks who Coach Pellini refers to as "The fat kid" and "That guy who's not the
punter." Yes, between neither team managing to break 300 yards of total offense, and the
two combining for 9 of 31 on 3rd down conversions, this game resembled less of a showdown
between two traditional football powerhouses than it did an all out donnybrook among the
preemies in the crack-baby ward at Detroit General. [hold for groans] Hey! You can make
some good money betting on those little scoundrels! [hold for applause]
And where was preseason Heisman hopeful Devin Gardner through all of this? Well, on his
back, mostly. [hold] Despite getting sacked 7 times for the second week in a row, Gardner
managed to complete 18 passes...The amazing thing is that they all went to his own players,
for once. [hold] He did have at least five teammates wide open on most plays, all alone,
without a defender anywhere in sight. Unfortunately for him, they were his offensive
linemen. [hold] Though when his protection broke down, he was still able to get it done
with his legs. He dug deep to run for more yards than the rest of his team all by himself.
Too bad it was all heading the wrong way! [hold] What's really touching, is to watch him
give his all while wearing #98 to honor Wolverine great Tom Harmon. By the end of the game,
he nearly looked like old Tom out there...Or he would have if Nebraska had succeeded in
burying him six feet under the turf, Tom's been dead for 23 years! [hold] Wearing Harmon's
number is the most fitting tribute that Ann Arbor will see until the spring, when the
theatre department stages its production of The Diary of Anne Frank, starring special guest
Marge Schott.
Odd to see Gardner struggle after the amazing four game run he had last season.
Expectations were certainly high amongst Michigan faithful. After all, he was replacing a
legend who, after four years of college, still couldn't tie his shoes, and thought that the
ultimate expression of victory was pretending he had a bowl of soup. [hold] "Devin's a real
quarterback!", they said. "A true Michigan Man!" In fact, the only fear they had going in
to the season was that he may play well enough to jump to the NFL a year early. Don't worry
Michigan fans, after the whuppin he's been taking, he's not going to be jumping anywhere,
anytime soon. [hold] After all the hits he took from the Nebraska defense, some people were
saying they'd never seen a young man endure such punishment. I actually have seen someone
take a beating like that. It was back in my home town of Clifton, New Jersey in the early
60's, and, oddly enough, the guy looked a lot like Devin Gardner. In that case, though, it
didn't involve football players, but several police officers, a couple of German Shepherds,
and a fire hose. I was appalled...but the cops did say he had it coming.
However, the Wolverines will definitely lose some players to the big league after this
season. It's been said that lineman Tyler Lewan is getting a lot of interest from certain
people in the NFL. Not interest from coaches, mind you. [hold] It's been reported that Ben
Roethlisberger thinks Tyler would be the perfect guy to block the women's room door while
he tries to insert "Little Ben" in to the sorority girl he just ruphied. While Tyler
hasn't managed to block anyone during a live play this season, he has proven to excell at
protecting his teammates from off field "problems." Though, Ben may want to take a second to
consider the consequences. It's pretty clear that Lewan and kicker Brendan Gibbons are a
package deal, and, in this day and age, an NFL player really has to be careful about the
kind of people they choose to associate with.
And, what does Head Coach Brady Hoke have to say about all of this? No one is really sure.
Least of all Coach Hoke! [hold] The running plays go backward, the passes are to no one,
the defense can't tackle, the kicker can't split the uprights...the only time someone does
the right thing on their sideline is when they move the markers after the opponent's first
down. But, I agree with the people who say Coach Hoke can turn things around...as long as
he's not in a tight, enclosed space..because he's fat [hold] No, I really think he can make
some changes, like maybe not calling the same play 20 times in a row. Although, you'd think
the law of averages would swing in his favor, eventually. But, at least he knows what he
needs to work on...everything!
When I was first starting out in this business, I asked my good friend Jerry Langford, I
said, "Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Give it to me straight. Don't pull any punches!"
Jerry said, "All right. Your delivery is terrible. You telegraph all your punchlines. Your
laugh at your own jokes,which aren't funny. Your facial expression looks like you haven't
had a bowel movement in three weeks. You wear that jacket like the hangar's still in it.
Your hand gestures are like a cross between Marceau Marceau and Adolf Hitler. Your hair
looks like you combed with buttered toast. You bob up and down like a renegade bouy in the
harbor. You only blink about four times an hour. Your forehead is so shiny, people across
the East River think you're sending them vulgar messages by aldis lamp. When people are
talking to you, you try to mouth their words along with them, which is completely bizarre.
Your laugh sounds dying warthog. You can't take criticism. You don't take notes. You
intrude on people's personal space from across the room. I know for a fact that you don't
listen to half of what people say to you. And finally, and I believe I've told you this
several times; You are without a doubt, the least funny person I've met in my entire life."
And just look how well I turned out! [hold for long applause]
[motion to band, cue music]
Stick around, ladies and germs! We've got a great show for you tonight!
Bert Convey will be out it just a moment. The always fascinating Orson Bean.
Followed by Joanne Worley, and the comedy stylings of Al Lubel!
Don't you dare touch that dial!
in stride, however. When asked how he felt about his historic loss to President Elect
Ronald Reagan, he said: "Well, I did win in Minnesota. Which, I believe puts me ahead of
Michigan in the Big Ten standings." [Hold for laughter]
Boy, Michigan football...What happened there, huh? Have you been following this? The
University of Michigan Wolverines, the winning-est program in college football history, the
benchmark by which all other schools are measured, a team who's history and lore are of
biblical proportions...and not just because their last meaningful win occurred before Moses
was circumcised [hold]...The mighty Maize and Blue just suffered the second of what must be
the worst consecutive losses in school history to "little brother" Michigan State and the
Nebraska Cornhuskers. In fact, the last time Michigan saw two defeats this ugly was when a
drunken Rita Rodriguez kicked off her leopard print pumps at the 2009 Christmas in
Kalamazoo bash. [turn to bandleader] Oh, those puppies weren't pretty, Lou!...Talk about corn
huskers! Yow![hold]
Now, at first glance, the final score of 17-13 may seem like a close game. That is until
you realize that Michigan managed to put up a solid 17 of their own...rushing yards by
their running backs...combined. [hold] I'm starting to think Fitzgerald "Toussaint" may be
a little "too sweet" to play this game, if you know what I mean. Oh, I'm not trying to say
the guys light in his loafers, or anything, the guy runs like he's wearing lead shoes! But
I haven't seen a guy pass through the arms of so many other men like that since Paul Lynde
at the Can't Stop the Music premiere. [hold] You're probably wondering, "How could the
Wolverines come within three minutes of winning a game where their offense was more flaccid
than Jerry Sandusky at the Miss Universe Pageant?" Well, it was partly due to Nebraska's
three turnovers, and partly because, after Taylor Martinez's injury, Nebraska alternated
two quarterbacks who Coach Pellini refers to as "The fat kid" and "That guy who's not the
punter." Yes, between neither team managing to break 300 yards of total offense, and the
two combining for 9 of 31 on 3rd down conversions, this game resembled less of a showdown
between two traditional football powerhouses than it did an all out donnybrook among the
preemies in the crack-baby ward at Detroit General. [hold for groans] Hey! You can make
some good money betting on those little scoundrels! [hold for applause]
And where was preseason Heisman hopeful Devin Gardner through all of this? Well, on his
back, mostly. [hold] Despite getting sacked 7 times for the second week in a row, Gardner
managed to complete 18 passes...The amazing thing is that they all went to his own players,
for once. [hold] He did have at least five teammates wide open on most plays, all alone,
without a defender anywhere in sight. Unfortunately for him, they were his offensive
linemen. [hold] Though when his protection broke down, he was still able to get it done
with his legs. He dug deep to run for more yards than the rest of his team all by himself.
Too bad it was all heading the wrong way! [hold] What's really touching, is to watch him
give his all while wearing #98 to honor Wolverine great Tom Harmon. By the end of the game,
he nearly looked like old Tom out there...Or he would have if Nebraska had succeeded in
burying him six feet under the turf, Tom's been dead for 23 years! [hold] Wearing Harmon's
number is the most fitting tribute that Ann Arbor will see until the spring, when the
theatre department stages its production of The Diary of Anne Frank, starring special guest
Marge Schott.
Odd to see Gardner struggle after the amazing four game run he had last season.
Expectations were certainly high amongst Michigan faithful. After all, he was replacing a
legend who, after four years of college, still couldn't tie his shoes, and thought that the
ultimate expression of victory was pretending he had a bowl of soup. [hold] "Devin's a real
quarterback!", they said. "A true Michigan Man!" In fact, the only fear they had going in
to the season was that he may play well enough to jump to the NFL a year early. Don't worry
Michigan fans, after the whuppin he's been taking, he's not going to be jumping anywhere,
anytime soon. [hold] After all the hits he took from the Nebraska defense, some people were
saying they'd never seen a young man endure such punishment. I actually have seen someone
take a beating like that. It was back in my home town of Clifton, New Jersey in the early
60's, and, oddly enough, the guy looked a lot like Devin Gardner. In that case, though, it
didn't involve football players, but several police officers, a couple of German Shepherds,
and a fire hose. I was appalled...but the cops did say he had it coming.
However, the Wolverines will definitely lose some players to the big league after this
season. It's been said that lineman Tyler Lewan is getting a lot of interest from certain
people in the NFL. Not interest from coaches, mind you. [hold] It's been reported that Ben
Roethlisberger thinks Tyler would be the perfect guy to block the women's room door while
he tries to insert "Little Ben" in to the sorority girl he just ruphied. While Tyler
hasn't managed to block anyone during a live play this season, he has proven to excell at
protecting his teammates from off field "problems." Though, Ben may want to take a second to
consider the consequences. It's pretty clear that Lewan and kicker Brendan Gibbons are a
package deal, and, in this day and age, an NFL player really has to be careful about the
kind of people they choose to associate with.
And, what does Head Coach Brady Hoke have to say about all of this? No one is really sure.
Least of all Coach Hoke! [hold] The running plays go backward, the passes are to no one,
the defense can't tackle, the kicker can't split the uprights...the only time someone does
the right thing on their sideline is when they move the markers after the opponent's first
down. But, I agree with the people who say Coach Hoke can turn things around...as long as
he's not in a tight, enclosed space..because he's fat [hold] No, I really think he can make
some changes, like maybe not calling the same play 20 times in a row. Although, you'd think
the law of averages would swing in his favor, eventually. But, at least he knows what he
needs to work on...everything!
When I was first starting out in this business, I asked my good friend Jerry Langford, I
said, "Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Give it to me straight. Don't pull any punches!"
Jerry said, "All right. Your delivery is terrible. You telegraph all your punchlines. Your
laugh at your own jokes,which aren't funny. Your facial expression looks like you haven't
had a bowel movement in three weeks. You wear that jacket like the hangar's still in it.
Your hand gestures are like a cross between Marceau Marceau and Adolf Hitler. Your hair
looks like you combed with buttered toast. You bob up and down like a renegade bouy in the
harbor. You only blink about four times an hour. Your forehead is so shiny, people across
the East River think you're sending them vulgar messages by aldis lamp. When people are
talking to you, you try to mouth their words along with them, which is completely bizarre.
Your laugh sounds dying warthog. You can't take criticism. You don't take notes. You
intrude on people's personal space from across the room. I know for a fact that you don't
listen to half of what people say to you. And finally, and I believe I've told you this
several times; You are without a doubt, the least funny person I've met in my entire life."
And just look how well I turned out! [hold for long applause]
[motion to band, cue music]
Stick around, ladies and germs! We've got a great show for you tonight!
Bert Convey will be out it just a moment. The always fascinating Orson Bean.
Followed by Joanne Worley, and the comedy stylings of Al Lubel!
Don't you dare touch that dial!
Upvote
0
Rupert Pupkin
Better to be King for a night...
Writing in my own voice now, as a semi-annonymous BP poster, I just have a few things to
say about what we've seen from scUM lately.
I was born a Buckeye. There was never any choice involved with who my favorite team was.
It's part of me. It's part of my family. No one ever told me who to root for. I wouldn't
have it any other way. I was a child when my grandparents told me stories about Woody
Hayes, and how he refused to call tSUN by name. I just assumed it was part of the way the
world was. By the time I was old enough to really start understanding what was going on in
games, it was near the start of the Cooper era. I got plenty of lessons on why OSU must
beat them. It wasn't about bragging rights, it was because Ohio State could never be the
best until they won that last game of the regular season (1998 notwithstanding). To be the
best, you have to beat the best. Even when they weren't the best, they still had the
ability to keep us from being as good as we could be. And they were just plain assholes
about it.
The Tressel era started better than anyone could have dreamed. We weren't necessarily the
best team in 2001, but we beat them. The next year, we had The Best Damn Team In The Land,
and the first two game streak of my memory. The last time I saw my grandfather alive was
the Thanksgiving between The Game and the Fiesta Bowl. He was just barely hanging on at
that point, but when I said, "How 'bout those Buckeyes!", his face lit up as bright as
ever. He didn't see the Fiesta Bowl, but he saw The Game that mattered to him most. 2003,
tight game lost on the road, but OSU had "it" back, wait 'til next year. The next few years
were glorious. Games that were so close a funny bounce could have decided the outcome. But...they never did. Ohio State won, and won because they were the better team. As the hunt to regain the NC had its ups and downs, we always had The Game. Ran Carr out of AA, laughed as
Rodriguez tried to play Big East ball with the big boys.
The first time I got to see The Game in person, it was 2010. The Rich Rodriguez show had
proven it would never live up to its promotion. The Buckeyes rolled over them in every way
you could imagine. The refs took some of the fun out of it by throwing flags after every
play, but even beyond that there was something different. The difference was, Michigan
didn't show up. Not that they didn't try to win, they literally had no team. They couldn't
even punt for more than 15 yards. While I had a great time, there was something hollow
about it. It wasn't that David and Goliath had switched roles; David became more than
Goliath had been; and Goliath became a gnat that even David wouldn't notice as he destroyed
it with a wave of his hand. I was angry that they had not held up their part of the
bargain. I remember thinking, "This is the absolute worst Michigan team I will see in my
lifetime." Boy, was I wrong.
That 2010 team would beat this season's skunkbears by 50, on a bad day. I didn't expect
much from UM this year. I did expect them to not be a complete embarrassment to themselves,
the conference, and The Game. We could give them until after the B1G championship game to
prepare for us, and they wouldn't have a plan to get within three scores. OSU has the best
college coach in the country who is putting everything he has in to making HIS school, HIS
alma mater the best football program anyone has ever seen. It will take some more time, but
it is happening. Today. Tomorrow. Every day.
What do they have? A freshman tight end who is a nice athlete, but can't block. That is
all. He's the only person in that organization who hasn't been a complete and total failure
for the last two weeks. Certain people are getting paid six to seven figure salaries, and many more
recieve free tuition and board to put a winning team on the field. And they produced that.
This will not be fixed next year, or the year after. The current admin has no answers to
any question. The Ohio State University football team will be in one of the strongest
periods in its history, and our rival, the "Greatest Rivalry in Sports" won't even
field a team until...? There's only one thing that can be said:
Fuck you, Michigan.
Fuck.
You.
say about what we've seen from scUM lately.
I was born a Buckeye. There was never any choice involved with who my favorite team was.
It's part of me. It's part of my family. No one ever told me who to root for. I wouldn't
have it any other way. I was a child when my grandparents told me stories about Woody
Hayes, and how he refused to call tSUN by name. I just assumed it was part of the way the
world was. By the time I was old enough to really start understanding what was going on in
games, it was near the start of the Cooper era. I got plenty of lessons on why OSU must
beat them. It wasn't about bragging rights, it was because Ohio State could never be the
best until they won that last game of the regular season (1998 notwithstanding). To be the
best, you have to beat the best. Even when they weren't the best, they still had the
ability to keep us from being as good as we could be. And they were just plain assholes
about it.
The Tressel era started better than anyone could have dreamed. We weren't necessarily the
best team in 2001, but we beat them. The next year, we had The Best Damn Team In The Land,
and the first two game streak of my memory. The last time I saw my grandfather alive was
the Thanksgiving between The Game and the Fiesta Bowl. He was just barely hanging on at
that point, but when I said, "How 'bout those Buckeyes!", his face lit up as bright as
ever. He didn't see the Fiesta Bowl, but he saw The Game that mattered to him most. 2003,
tight game lost on the road, but OSU had "it" back, wait 'til next year. The next few years
were glorious. Games that were so close a funny bounce could have decided the outcome. But...they never did. Ohio State won, and won because they were the better team. As the hunt to regain the NC had its ups and downs, we always had The Game. Ran Carr out of AA, laughed as
Rodriguez tried to play Big East ball with the big boys.
The first time I got to see The Game in person, it was 2010. The Rich Rodriguez show had
proven it would never live up to its promotion. The Buckeyes rolled over them in every way
you could imagine. The refs took some of the fun out of it by throwing flags after every
play, but even beyond that there was something different. The difference was, Michigan
didn't show up. Not that they didn't try to win, they literally had no team. They couldn't
even punt for more than 15 yards. While I had a great time, there was something hollow
about it. It wasn't that David and Goliath had switched roles; David became more than
Goliath had been; and Goliath became a gnat that even David wouldn't notice as he destroyed
it with a wave of his hand. I was angry that they had not held up their part of the
bargain. I remember thinking, "This is the absolute worst Michigan team I will see in my
lifetime." Boy, was I wrong.
That 2010 team would beat this season's skunkbears by 50, on a bad day. I didn't expect
much from UM this year. I did expect them to not be a complete embarrassment to themselves,
the conference, and The Game. We could give them until after the B1G championship game to
prepare for us, and they wouldn't have a plan to get within three scores. OSU has the best
college coach in the country who is putting everything he has in to making HIS school, HIS
alma mater the best football program anyone has ever seen. It will take some more time, but
it is happening. Today. Tomorrow. Every day.
What do they have? A freshman tight end who is a nice athlete, but can't block. That is
all. He's the only person in that organization who hasn't been a complete and total failure
for the last two weeks. Certain people are getting paid six to seven figure salaries, and many more
recieve free tuition and board to put a winning team on the field. And they produced that.
This will not be fixed next year, or the year after. The current admin has no answers to
any question. The Ohio State University football team will be in one of the strongest
periods in its history, and our rival, the "Greatest Rivalry in Sports" won't even
field a team until...? There's only one thing that can be said:
Fuck you, Michigan.
Fuck.
You.
Upvote
0