Why Your Team Sucks

[CookyPuss]

Drew Magary at Deadspin has been posting "Why Your Team Sucks" previews complete with fan submissions. These are some of the funniest things I've read on the interwebs.

http://deadspin.com/tag/balls-deep

Here's a little snippet from the Stillers:

But I am older now, and I have grown to hate the Steelers and their fans with a fervor that borders on the schizophrenic. Mine is a LEARNED hate. I have seen these fans in bars, all sweaty and clammy and breathing heavily, with their fat fingers that look like they were drowned in chicken grease. I have watched them chant that awful chant over and over again. They NEVER shut the fuck up during games. It's like an illness. I have seen them cheer stupidly for two-yard runs because they like running the ball even when they suck at it because DURRRR RUNNING TOUGH DURRRR. When you get older, much of your hate comes from knowledge and experience, which is why really old people hate everyone. And that is why I hate the fucking Steelers and their moron fans. There's food in your beard, guys. There's ALWAYS food in your beard.

The Bungles are up next.

 

[kujirakira]

I notice there is no article for the Brow... ohh... right.... no explanation required.

 

[CookyPuss]

I put in my submission for the Browns:

Wander into any Browns forum and you’ll find an active discussion of whether or not to root for the QB/team to suck so that they will get another QB/HC/GM/Owner who will probably also suck.

The New Browns are the New Coke of the NFL.

Who wants a staph infection?

And then there is this:

Hoyer will be lucky to get 3 starts before the Johnny Fucking Football sideshow takes over to take this team to a platinum level of suck.

I have heard that the Browns had glory days, but as a child of the 70’s, I only know Jim Brown as an actor and alleged thrower of women off of balconies.

In my lifetime, the Browns have achieved an unparalleled level of suck.

My first memory of professional sports is the Browns losing to the Raiders in the Ice Bowl.

I went to my first Browns game in 1982. The Browns took the lead with less than a minute left. The Eagles ran back the kick off for a TD. Some guy in the parking lot had bet on the Eagles and was so excited over his win that he offered to buy me something. I selected a Packers pennant.

You needed to wear rubber boots in old Cleveland Stadium if you wanted to go to the bathroom due to the half inch of urine flooding the floor.

Red Right 88, The Drive, The Fumble… Fuck!

The Browns even made Bill Bellichick suck. It’s 4th and long coach, what do you call? Metcalf up the middle!

The fucks are almost too long to list, but I’ll try.

Fuck Paul Brown. Fuck Art Modell. Fuck Brian Sipe. Fuck Sam Rutigliano. Fuck Marty Schottenheimer. Fuck John Elway. Fuck Ernest Byner. Fuck Bill Bellichick. Fuck Al Lerner. Fuck Carmen Policy. Fuck Butch Davis. Fuck Kellen Wislow. Fuck Eric Mangini. Fuck Mike Holmgren. Fuck Brady Quinn. Fuck Trent Richardson. Fuck Davone Bess. Fuck Joe Banner. Fuck Mike Lombardi. Fuck Johnny Football. Fuck Josh Gordon. Fuck Jimmy Haslam, he should be in jail.

 

[Buckeneye]

Holy. Shit. The comments in the Steelers section are epic. I can't wait to get to the Brownies. If GPA's still existed, this would merit one.

 

[CookyPuss]

I notice there is no article for the Brow... ohh... right.... no explanation required.

It should be up by Monday or Tuesday and it should be glorious.

 

[Buckeneye]

It hurts to laugh:

From the article -

Styx performed at halftime recently and they were six of the youngest people in the stadium.

There is nowhere and no time in Pittsburgh wearing a Steeler jersey in public is not acceptable (with the exception of a Kordell Stewart jersey). I've seen them in church, fine dining establishments, places of employment (and I'm not talking Football Friday in September, think a Tuesday in June) and I challenge you to watch any professional wrestling pay-per-view from the 1990s and not find a Steeler jersey somewhere in the crowd.

The most time-honored tradition handed down from generation to generation is chanting Here We Go Steelers Here We Go as you walk down the rotunda of whatever event you may be leaving, Pirate game, Penguin game, concerts, weddings, funerals, whatever. And the Here We Go inevitably disintegrates into a Beer We Go Steelers and then some idiot starts singing Donnie Iris.

The average BAC of Gold Lot 1 before a Steelers game is .3. We're a late-arriving crowd not because of traffic but because it makes more sense to shovel canned river water (Iron City) down your throat for an extra 25 minutes than get into the game on time and actually remember it. I swear there are some fans who if they got into a game on time, would think the National Anthem was a new pre-kickoff tradition.

Also, Neil O'Donnell, straddle a dick.

 

[kujirakira]

It should be up by Monday or Tuesday and it should be glorious.

To be honest, I think he should stick with the idea that they don't even warrant an entry.
Or just a photo.

 

[Buckeneye]

Watching the best young QB prospect to enter the league since Peyton Manning run for his life every other play is horrific.

Our defense minus Mathis can get fucked with a weed whacker.

And SUPER FUCK Trent Richardson with a dildo wrapped in barbed wire. I've never seen a guy built like a brick shithouse go down easier than a senior citizen with a prosthetic leg. Vodka Samm gave security more trouble being tackled.

 

[Mike80]

It hurts to laugh:

From the article -

Styx performed at halftime recently and they were six of the youngest people in the stadium.

There is nowhere and no time in Pittsburgh wearing a Steeler jersey in public is not acceptable (with the exception of a Kordell Stewart jersey). I've seen them in church, fine dining establishments, places of employment (and I'm not talking Football Friday in September, think a Tuesday in June) and I challenge you to watch any professional wrestling pay-per-view from the 1990s and not find a Steeler jersey somewhere in the crowd.

The most time-honored tradition handed down from generation to generation is chanting Here We Go Steelers Here We Go as you walk down the rotunda of whatever event you may be leaving, Pirate game, Penguin game, concerts, weddings, funerals, whatever. And the Here We Go inevitably disintegrates into a Beer We Go Steelers and then some idiot starts singing Donnie Iris.

The average BAC of Gold Lot 1 before a Steelers game is .3. We're a late-arriving crowd not because of traffic but because it makes more sense to shovel canned river water (Iron City) down your throat for an extra 25 minutes than get into the game on time and actually remember it. I swear there are some fans who if they got into a game on time, would think the National Anthem was a new pre-kickoff tradition.

Also, Neil O'Donnell, straddle a dick.

 

[jlb1705]

Drew Magary is the best.

 

[Bucky32]

I read each of these every year and burst out laughing multiple times throughout each entry. IMO the best one so far this year is the Seahawks one.

 

[Bucklion]

Steelers = gold

Take the spittle that comes out of Daffy Duck's maw and filter it through a mustache that's encrusted with Primanti's stink, mix in the piney scent of IC Light Mango, and have it propelled by a guy sporting a Taz "Property of Steelers: 42" shirt and you've got your average male fan. For the women; bleached blonde perm, neck tattoo, holding a Winston in the same hand as a carseat that hasn't be up to spec since 1973 while the baby coughs.

They are continually praised as having a great front office that "does things the right way" and "builds through the draft" yet the drafts from 2008, 2009, and 2010 yielded a grand total of three players still on the current roster.

 

[Bucklion]

But the Raiders is better

I recently took up disc golf, and when I throw I truly have no idea where my disc will go. It might go straight, it might sail into a pond, it might hit a tree. I am just like Matt Schaub.
Fuck Khalif Barnes.

I once took the BART train the same day there was a Raiders game and a gay S&M festival. Everyone was wearing spikes, chains, and black leather. I didn't know who was going to what.



We are the absolute worst at drafting. We are somehow even worse at free agency.

Our fans are the fucking worst. All they do is bitch about being underrated all this offseason. Some of them even have playoff aspirations. Are you shitting me? Have you seen this team? We'd be lucky to scrape five wins together this year, and that was before we got handed the league's toughest schedule. Fuck that.

Fuck this team, fuck the fans, fuck management, and double fuck our clown serial killer owner. Move this clown college organization to San Antonio so I can become a Niners fan already.

Our fans are the absolute worst. If you could put a Mexican Drug Lord and a Skinhead Hell's Angel in a blender mixed with some tequila and methamphetamine, out would pop a Raiders fan.

 

[Bucky32]

The Browns one is here! http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-cleveland-browns-1626915245

My highlight:
Dave

This time every year, the same deadbeat Dad homer morons call into KNR to have the same useless fucking QB debate. "Charlie Frye has moxie." "Brian Hoyer is a local kid. Tom Brady taught him everything." "Why isn't Jim Tressel head coach?"

And then the offense scores 6 touchdowns all year.

 

[Buckeneye]

Your team: (sigh)