ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
We sincerely hope that you have a great time in Columbus and (needless to say) leave disappointed because your team lost. To help make all Longhorn fans feel welcome I've listed some Aggie jokes.
Why did the Aggie get fired from the M&M factory?
He kept throwing out the W's.
What's an Aggie's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
Why did the Aggie tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
What is the Aggie doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
Why did the Aggie stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Why don't Aggies like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
How do you keep a Aggie busy?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
How did the Aggie try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
Why did the Aggie get so excited after he finished his jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
An Aggie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
What do you call an Aggie skeleton in the closet?
The winner of a "Hide and Seek" game.
Why was the Aggie housewife mad at her husband?
He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.
Why did the Aggie have a hysterectomy?
He wanted to stop having grandchildren.
Why was the Aggie two hours late getting home?
The escalator got stuck.
Why did the Aggie stay up all night studying?
He had a urine test the next day.
How do you confuse an Aggie?
Give his a pack of M&M's and tell his to put them in alphabetical order.
How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
100 - one to stir and 99 to peel the M&M's.
How can you tell when an Aggie has used your computer?
There's "White-Out" all over the screen.
Whats the difference between a boyscout and an aggie?
A boyscout can build a bonfire.
Why do Aggie dogs have flat noses?
Because they chase parked cars.
These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray
dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.
One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do
that."
The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks
friendly..."
Our old friend Ed (the Texas Aggie) and his life-long buddy, Earl,
went huntin' one day. They was walkin' through the woods when Earl
decided to relieve himself behind a bush... Well, he no sooner
dropped his overalls when a 6 foot rattlesnake popped outa no place
and bit him square on his privates.
Earl dropped to the ground in pain holding himself! Old square-
shootin' Ed ran over to the bush and blew the snake away.
Quickly assessin' the situation and the location of Earl's injury he
was in doubt as to what the proper course of action was. "Earl, you
been bit on a bad spot and I ain't quite sure as to what to do!" he
said.
"I'm in awful pain, Ed, you gotta do something quick!" cried Earl.
"Run down the hill to that veterinarian and see if he won't come
help me."
Ed, took off runnin' feelin' that everythin' was gonna be okay if'n
he could get that old Aggie vet to come help his buddy. As he came
up ta the clinic the old vet was hoppin' in his pickup truck.
"Doc, Doc, ya gotta help my buddy he's been bit by a rattler!"
"Well, son, I wish I could help ya but I gotta run over ta the
Schultz farm and deliver a calf but let me tell you what ya gotta
do," said the vet.
"First, you grab the bit part in both hands and make two small
shallow X's on the fang marks. Then you put your mouth on the X's
and suck the venom out of the wound."
Ed thought for a moment then asked, "Doc, what happens if I don't do
that?"
The doc yelled out the window as he drove off, " Then he'll die!"
Ed hurried off back to Earl. Earl, still in mortal agony was
relieved to see him. Holding his purple, swollen privates he
pleaded, "Ed, what'd the Doc say?"
Ed looked at him mournfully. "Doc says you gonna die."
An Aggie had just completed his studies and was awarded a BS Degree in mechanical engineering. He was immediately hired by the Texas highway department.
His job was to paint the yellow stripe down the middle of the highway. After three days, his boss called him in and advised him that he was no longer needed.
When the Aggie inquired as to the reason for his dismissal, the boss replied, "On your first day here, you painted three miles of stripe, which is good. On your second day, you painted two miles; not as good, but still acceptable. Today, you only painted one mile. This is too far below our standards."
The Aggie accepted the explanation, saying on his way out the door, "Well, alright, but I want you to know, it wasn't my fault. The paint can kept getting farther away."
How do you get a Texas A & M graduate off your front porch?
You pay for your pizza!
What happened to the Aggie hockey team?
They drowned in spring training.
How do you make a one-armed Aggie fall out of a tree?
Wave.
What do you get when you line up several Aggies ear to ear and blow?
A wind tunnel.
An Aggie went riding, and everything was going fine until the horse suddenly started bouncing out of control. He tried to hang on, but with a foot caught in the stirrup, he fell off head-first. With his head bouncing up and down, the horse didn't even slow down. And just as the Aggie was giving up hope and losing consciousness, a Kmart employee came out and unplugged it.
Why does the new Aggie navy have glass bottomed boats?
So they can see the old Aggie navy.
Why do Aggies have doormats inside their homes?
So they can wipe their feet before they go out.
How can you tell an Aggie airliner when it's snowing?
They're the ones with chains on the propellers.
How do you sink an Aggie submarine ?
Have a frogman knock on the hatch.
A 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery near College Station. The Aggie fire department uncovered 700 bodies.
Two Aggies were flying across the Atlantic and decided they didn't have enough fuel to make it. So the pilot decided to lighten the load by jettisoning some fuel.
Two Aggies were pulling a large deer through the woods. They came across a longhorn and he said, "Really nice buck you got there, but I think if you pulled him by his horns it would be a lot better than dragging him by his hind legs."
The Aggies tried it and after a while one said "This sure is better. It's a lot smoother over the ground." The other said, "Yeah, but we sure a getting farther away from the truck."
How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
How can you tell when an Aggie sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why does the stadium at College Station have Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during halftime.
Two Aggies are driving to Houston. The driver suspects his turn signals aren't working. So he pulls over and asks his passenger to get out and check. So the guy checks and yells to the driver, "No, they're not working. Wait, yes they are. No, they're not. Hold it, yes, they are."
An Aggie is walking down a creek. While he's looking around he notices another Aggie walking along the other side of the creek. He yells to the other Aggie, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
The other Aggie says, "You are on the other side!"
Two Aggies go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Aggie turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other Aggie says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]There were three aggies huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled,
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Yeah, 45! 45!" The bartender goes down to them and asks, "45? What are you guys so excited about?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]One of the aggies speaks up: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]in 45 days!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What is the difference between an aggie and a carp?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the aggie terrorist who tried to blow up the Longhorn team bus.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He burned his lip on the tailpipe.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How many aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]One, but he gets 3 hours credit.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What is the difference between the Aggies and Rice Crispies?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]On the aggie campus, because that's the last place you'll find a football player.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at A&M?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the aggie who won a gold medal at the Olympics?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He liked it so much that he decided to get it bronzed.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Have you heard about the Aggie kamikaze pilot?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He flew 22 missions.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]An Aggie got a job at an east Texas sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]how he lost it, he replied, "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The senior who knew the recipe graduated.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why do Aggies like smart women?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Opposites attract.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]An Aggie went hunting and shot two deer. When he went to the taxidermist,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]he was asked if he wanted them mounted.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"No," the Aggie replied, "kissing will be fine."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear that the A&M library had to close down this year?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Somebody stole the book. That's not all... when it was returned it was all colored in.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Some Aggies were trying to scare the Longhorn football team before the game and threw firecrackers into the[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]locker room windows.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Longhorns lit them and threw them back![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Houston Cougar that transferred to A&M?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He raised the IQ of both schools![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Then there the Aggie that was hunting in the woods. He happened upon this beautiful woman laying naked in[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]the grass. He asked her, "Are you game?" The woman said "yes."[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]So he shot her.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do Aggies practice safe sex?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They get rid of all the animals that kick.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A lucky Aggie won the Texas Lottery. When he went to collect his money they told him he wouldn't get it in one[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]lump sum and that it would be spread over 20 years.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Aggie erupted and said, "If that's the case, then give me my dollar back!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]There was a group of Aggie science students that wanted to send a probe to the sun, but some UT students[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]said that was impossible and that the probe would burn up long before reaching the sun.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Aggies replied that they planned to send the probe at night.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why don't Aggies eat M&M's?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They're too hard to peel.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did O.J. want move his trial to College Station?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In College Station, everyone has the same DNA.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What do Aggies think Cheerios are?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Donut seeds.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I think that it is a shame the way you pick on the Aggies. After all it was an Aggie engineer that invented the[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]toilet seat.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]...of course a UT engineer stole the design and cut a hole in the middle.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What did the A&M graduate say to the UT graduate upon meeting?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Hi! Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What do you call 144 Aggies?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Gross Ignorance![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Aggie that broke his leg raking leaves?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He fell out of the tree.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What's the Aggie cheer? "I'm an Aggie , I'm an Aggie, I'm and A.G.G.....ah, oh well.. I'm an Aggie, I'm an Aggie,[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]yea yea yea..."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did the Aggie keep a coat hanger in his back seat?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In case he locks the keys in his car.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]An Aggie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do you keep an Aggie busy?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I bet you didn't know that an Aggie invented the toothbrush.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Of course if anyone else had invented it, it would have been known as a teethbrush![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do you recognize an Aggie in a department store?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He's the one trying to slam the revolving door.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do you know when an Aggie has sent you a fax?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]When there's a stamp on it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why do they throw out a sack of manure at all Aggie weddings?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]To keep the flies off the bride.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did they install Astroturf at Kyle Field?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]To keep the coeds from grazing.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]At the end of the night, the Aggie turns to his girlfriend and asks, "Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end up[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]spending hundreds of dollars?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]And she says, "Because I'm a prostitute."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why does the Aggie Corps wear uniforms made out of polyester?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]There's no virgin wool within a hundred miles of College Station![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Aggie who was 2 hours late to class?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The esclator was stuck....[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What's the definition of mass confusion?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Father's day in College Station.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]2 Aggies were attending a friend's funeral. While viewing the body one Aggies says to the other, "Gee, he looks pretty good!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The second Aggie replies, "He should, he just got out of the hospital yesterday."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What about the Aggie whose wife gave birth to twins?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He wanted to know who the other man was...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear what happened to the Aggie when he found out that 90% of all car accidents occur within 5 miles[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]of home?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He moved.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did the Aggie get rid of his freezer?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He got tired of cutting the ice into little squares to fit into the trays.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why can't Aggies field an ice-hockey team?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Everyone drowns in spring training.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why can't Aggie farmers raise chickens?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They plant the eggs too deep.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What are the vital statistics of the winner of the Miss A&M Beauty Contest?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]36-24-26.....and the other leg is the same.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What do you call a female Aggie who takes birth control pills?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A humanitarian.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why are rectal thermometers banned in College Station?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They cause too much brain damage.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did the Aggie's team airliner crash?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It ran out of coal.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What do you call a female Aggie with 2 brain cells?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Pregnant.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Aggie who was asked by his professor what would happen if we didn't have electricity?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He said we would probably be watching TV by candlelight.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How many Aggie programmers does it take to change a light bulb?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They can't, it's a hardware problem.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do you know when you are near College Station?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear that Detroit was going to start putting the dimmer switch back on the floor in its new cars?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Aggies kept getting their foot caught in the steering wheel.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The recent budgetary cuts are taking their toll at A&M. Just last week they announced the discontinuance of all[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]driver's ed and sex education classes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The mule died, and there was just no money with which to replace her.[/FONT]
[/FONT]
Ohio State fans can just substitute "Wolverine" for "Aggie" , etc.
Why did the Aggie get fired from the M&M factory?
He kept throwing out the W's.
What's an Aggie's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
Why did the Aggie tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
What is the Aggie doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
Why did the Aggie stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Why don't Aggies like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
How do you keep a Aggie busy?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
How did the Aggie try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
Why did the Aggie get so excited after he finished his jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
An Aggie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
What do you call an Aggie skeleton in the closet?
The winner of a "Hide and Seek" game.
Why was the Aggie housewife mad at her husband?
He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.
Why did the Aggie have a hysterectomy?
He wanted to stop having grandchildren.
Why was the Aggie two hours late getting home?
The escalator got stuck.
Why did the Aggie stay up all night studying?
He had a urine test the next day.
How do you confuse an Aggie?
Give his a pack of M&M's and tell his to put them in alphabetical order.
How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
100 - one to stir and 99 to peel the M&M's.
How can you tell when an Aggie has used your computer?
There's "White-Out" all over the screen.
Whats the difference between a boyscout and an aggie?
A boyscout can build a bonfire.
Why do Aggie dogs have flat noses?
Because they chase parked cars.
These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray
dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.
One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do
that."
The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks
friendly..."
Our old friend Ed (the Texas Aggie) and his life-long buddy, Earl,
went huntin' one day. They was walkin' through the woods when Earl
decided to relieve himself behind a bush... Well, he no sooner
dropped his overalls when a 6 foot rattlesnake popped outa no place
and bit him square on his privates.
Earl dropped to the ground in pain holding himself! Old square-
shootin' Ed ran over to the bush and blew the snake away.
Quickly assessin' the situation and the location of Earl's injury he
was in doubt as to what the proper course of action was. "Earl, you
been bit on a bad spot and I ain't quite sure as to what to do!" he
said.
"I'm in awful pain, Ed, you gotta do something quick!" cried Earl.
"Run down the hill to that veterinarian and see if he won't come
help me."
Ed, took off runnin' feelin' that everythin' was gonna be okay if'n
he could get that old Aggie vet to come help his buddy. As he came
up ta the clinic the old vet was hoppin' in his pickup truck.
"Doc, Doc, ya gotta help my buddy he's been bit by a rattler!"
"Well, son, I wish I could help ya but I gotta run over ta the
Schultz farm and deliver a calf but let me tell you what ya gotta
do," said the vet.
"First, you grab the bit part in both hands and make two small
shallow X's on the fang marks. Then you put your mouth on the X's
and suck the venom out of the wound."
Ed thought for a moment then asked, "Doc, what happens if I don't do
that?"
The doc yelled out the window as he drove off, " Then he'll die!"
Ed hurried off back to Earl. Earl, still in mortal agony was
relieved to see him. Holding his purple, swollen privates he
pleaded, "Ed, what'd the Doc say?"
Ed looked at him mournfully. "Doc says you gonna die."
An Aggie had just completed his studies and was awarded a BS Degree in mechanical engineering. He was immediately hired by the Texas highway department.
His job was to paint the yellow stripe down the middle of the highway. After three days, his boss called him in and advised him that he was no longer needed.
When the Aggie inquired as to the reason for his dismissal, the boss replied, "On your first day here, you painted three miles of stripe, which is good. On your second day, you painted two miles; not as good, but still acceptable. Today, you only painted one mile. This is too far below our standards."
The Aggie accepted the explanation, saying on his way out the door, "Well, alright, but I want you to know, it wasn't my fault. The paint can kept getting farther away."
How do you get a Texas A & M graduate off your front porch?
You pay for your pizza!
What happened to the Aggie hockey team?
They drowned in spring training.
How do you make a one-armed Aggie fall out of a tree?
Wave.
What do you get when you line up several Aggies ear to ear and blow?
A wind tunnel.
An Aggie went riding, and everything was going fine until the horse suddenly started bouncing out of control. He tried to hang on, but with a foot caught in the stirrup, he fell off head-first. With his head bouncing up and down, the horse didn't even slow down. And just as the Aggie was giving up hope and losing consciousness, a Kmart employee came out and unplugged it.
Why does the new Aggie navy have glass bottomed boats?
So they can see the old Aggie navy.
Why do Aggies have doormats inside their homes?
So they can wipe their feet before they go out.
How can you tell an Aggie airliner when it's snowing?
They're the ones with chains on the propellers.
How do you sink an Aggie submarine ?
Have a frogman knock on the hatch.
Why do Aggies always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.A 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery near College Station. The Aggie fire department uncovered 700 bodies.
Two Aggies were flying across the Atlantic and decided they didn't have enough fuel to make it. So the pilot decided to lighten the load by jettisoning some fuel.
Two Aggies were pulling a large deer through the woods. They came across a longhorn and he said, "Really nice buck you got there, but I think if you pulled him by his horns it would be a lot better than dragging him by his hind legs."
The Aggies tried it and after a while one said "This sure is better. It's a lot smoother over the ground." The other said, "Yeah, but we sure a getting farther away from the truck."
How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
How can you tell when an Aggie sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why does the stadium at College Station have Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during halftime.
Two Aggies are driving to Houston. The driver suspects his turn signals aren't working. So he pulls over and asks his passenger to get out and check. So the guy checks and yells to the driver, "No, they're not working. Wait, yes they are. No, they're not. Hold it, yes, they are."
An Aggie is walking down a creek. While he's looking around he notices another Aggie walking along the other side of the creek. He yells to the other Aggie, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
The other Aggie says, "You are on the other side!"
Two Aggies go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Aggie turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other Aggie says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]There were three aggies huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled,
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Yeah, 45! 45!" The bartender goes down to them and asks, "45? What are you guys so excited about?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]One of the aggies speaks up: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]in 45 days!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What is the difference between an aggie and a carp?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the aggie terrorist who tried to blow up the Longhorn team bus.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He burned his lip on the tailpipe.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How many aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]One, but he gets 3 hours credit.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What is the difference between the Aggies and Rice Crispies?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]On the aggie campus, because that's the last place you'll find a football player.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at A&M?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the aggie who won a gold medal at the Olympics?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He liked it so much that he decided to get it bronzed.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Have you heard about the Aggie kamikaze pilot?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He flew 22 missions.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]An Aggie got a job at an east Texas sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]how he lost it, he replied, "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The senior who knew the recipe graduated.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why do Aggies like smart women?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Opposites attract.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]An Aggie went hunting and shot two deer. When he went to the taxidermist,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]he was asked if he wanted them mounted.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"No," the Aggie replied, "kissing will be fine."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear that the A&M library had to close down this year?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Somebody stole the book. That's not all... when it was returned it was all colored in.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Some Aggies were trying to scare the Longhorn football team before the game and threw firecrackers into the[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]locker room windows.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Longhorns lit them and threw them back![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Houston Cougar that transferred to A&M?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He raised the IQ of both schools![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Then there the Aggie that was hunting in the woods. He happened upon this beautiful woman laying naked in[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]the grass. He asked her, "Are you game?" The woman said "yes."[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]So he shot her.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do Aggies practice safe sex?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They get rid of all the animals that kick.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A lucky Aggie won the Texas Lottery. When he went to collect his money they told him he wouldn't get it in one[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]lump sum and that it would be spread over 20 years.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Aggie erupted and said, "If that's the case, then give me my dollar back!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]There was a group of Aggie science students that wanted to send a probe to the sun, but some UT students[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]said that was impossible and that the probe would burn up long before reaching the sun.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Aggies replied that they planned to send the probe at night.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why don't Aggies eat M&M's?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They're too hard to peel.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did O.J. want move his trial to College Station?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In College Station, everyone has the same DNA.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What do Aggies think Cheerios are?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Donut seeds.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I think that it is a shame the way you pick on the Aggies. After all it was an Aggie engineer that invented the[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]toilet seat.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]...of course a UT engineer stole the design and cut a hole in the middle.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What did the A&M graduate say to the UT graduate upon meeting?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Hi! Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What do you call 144 Aggies?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Gross Ignorance![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Aggie that broke his leg raking leaves?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He fell out of the tree.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What's the Aggie cheer? "I'm an Aggie , I'm an Aggie, I'm and A.G.G.....ah, oh well.. I'm an Aggie, I'm an Aggie,[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]yea yea yea..."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did the Aggie keep a coat hanger in his back seat?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In case he locks the keys in his car.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]An Aggie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do you keep an Aggie busy?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I bet you didn't know that an Aggie invented the toothbrush.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Of course if anyone else had invented it, it would have been known as a teethbrush![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do you recognize an Aggie in a department store?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He's the one trying to slam the revolving door.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do you know when an Aggie has sent you a fax?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]When there's a stamp on it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why do they throw out a sack of manure at all Aggie weddings?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]To keep the flies off the bride.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did they install Astroturf at Kyle Field?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]To keep the coeds from grazing.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]At the end of the night, the Aggie turns to his girlfriend and asks, "Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end up[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]spending hundreds of dollars?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]And she says, "Because I'm a prostitute."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why does the Aggie Corps wear uniforms made out of polyester?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]There's no virgin wool within a hundred miles of College Station![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Aggie who was 2 hours late to class?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The esclator was stuck....[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What's the definition of mass confusion?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Father's day in College Station.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]2 Aggies were attending a friend's funeral. While viewing the body one Aggies says to the other, "Gee, he looks pretty good!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The second Aggie replies, "He should, he just got out of the hospital yesterday."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What about the Aggie whose wife gave birth to twins?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He wanted to know who the other man was...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear what happened to the Aggie when he found out that 90% of all car accidents occur within 5 miles[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]of home?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He moved.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did the Aggie get rid of his freezer?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He got tired of cutting the ice into little squares to fit into the trays.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why can't Aggies field an ice-hockey team?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Everyone drowns in spring training.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why can't Aggie farmers raise chickens?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They plant the eggs too deep.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What are the vital statistics of the winner of the Miss A&M Beauty Contest?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]36-24-26.....and the other leg is the same.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What do you call a female Aggie who takes birth control pills?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A humanitarian.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why are rectal thermometers banned in College Station?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They cause too much brain damage.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why did the Aggie's team airliner crash?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It ran out of coal.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]What do you call a female Aggie with 2 brain cells?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Pregnant.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear about the Aggie who was asked by his professor what would happen if we didn't have electricity?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He said we would probably be watching TV by candlelight.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How many Aggie programmers does it take to change a light bulb?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]They can't, it's a hardware problem.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]How do you know when you are near College Station?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Did you hear that Detroit was going to start putting the dimmer switch back on the floor in its new cars?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Aggies kept getting their foot caught in the steering wheel.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The recent budgetary cuts are taking their toll at A&M. Just last week they announced the discontinuance of all[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]driver's ed and sex education classes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The mule died, and there was just no money with which to replace her.[/FONT]
[/FONT]
Ohio State fans can just substitute "Wolverine" for "Aggie" , etc.
