-
New here? Register here now for access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Plus, stay connected and follow BP on Instagram @buckeyeplanet and Facebook.
- Thread starter Zurp
- Start date
Zurp
I have misplaced my pants.
Once upon a time, while Troppo was still in high school, he and his parents and brothers and sisters went on vacation. They went to the same place they went every year for vacation: Grandma's house.
Troppo's grandmother lived by a lake, near the middle of no where. (The geographical middle of no where was actually about 15 miles north of her house. However, when the settlers were settling the area, the survey crew had messed up, and they determined the middle of no where to be about 5 miles south of where the actual geographical middle of no where truly was. The capital of no where, when it was built, was therefore built about 5 miles south of where it belonged. When the error was discovered, only the craziest of the citizens of no where actually wanted to move the town.)
Troppo didn't do much when his family visited his grandmother. He swam a little in the lake, and he kicked his sisters ? usual boy stuff. But there wasn't much else to do, and Troppo found himself looking forward to when his parents would send him off to a military school when he got in trouble for breaking into too many cars.
One day, while Troppo lay on the side of the lake, dreaming about building the world's tallest Trojan Horse, a strange girl walked by him. By the time he looked up, she was gone. Troppo decided that he better make sure she didn't steal all his money. Unfortunately, she did.
He was pretty sure that she went into the water, because that's where her footprints led him. And because she screamed like a Honda when she hit the cold water. He searched all over the lake, but he never found some strange girl.
Many years later, when Troppo had gotten out of school and got a job as an insurance salesman, he decided to take the afternoon off and go driving. He didn't know the area well, since he was an idiot, so he just drove on whatever roads he felt like. But, eventually, he hit a traffic jam. All night he sat in that driveway, waiting for the other guy to move out of his way.
In the morning, he found out it wasn't a guy. It was a woman. She was pretty pissed, as she was already late for work. The entire time she was yelling at him, he could think of nothing more than doing it with her. He asked her on a date, and she pulled him out of his car.
"Wow!" he thought, "This is my kind of lady!"
But she wasn't pulling him out so that they could do it. She got in his car and drove to work.
"That dumb bitch," Troppo thought, "My car doesn't know where she works. It probably took her to my work."
Troppo walked to work. But she wasn't there. "She's a slow driver, I guess."
Finally, just as he guessed, she showed up to his office. She realized that she was stuck with him, and agreed to go on a date with him.
She said her name was Pook, and, as I'm sure you guessed by now, she's the same girl who stole his money when he was younger. She used to live in that lake, as she's a swimming pook. (All pooks are named "Pook.") (Except for those who aren't named "Pook.")
They spent the entire evening, reliving all their shared memories. Troppo laughed. Pook laughed. Troppo cried. Pook laughed.
However, as suddenly as anything you can imagine, the evil villain Crocodile Dundee stormed into the restaurant. (Did I mention they were in a restaurant? Well, they were.)
Dundee grabbed Pook. "I've got you know, Lady!" he yelled, as he was dragging her out the door.
But Troppo wouldn't allow this to happen on his date. He grabbed Crocodile Dundee by the neck and punched him square in the belly. Dundee laughed at Troppo, and he throttled him in his sleep.
But nothing could destroy an idiot who has fallen in love with a lady who stole his money when he was a kid. He quickly woke up and Harry Pottered Dundee right in the back of his head. Crocodile Dundee turned into an itsy-bitsy spider, and he crawled away.
He didn't die, but we won't have to worry about him for another few episodes, I think.
Troppo and Pook spent the rest of the evening together, and they enjoyed dating a few more times. But then Pook met some other guy, and Troppo met some other woman. They remained friends for a few minutes, but then it was too awkward, and they settled on just a Christmas Card every summer.
Troppo's grandmother lived by a lake, near the middle of no where. (The geographical middle of no where was actually about 15 miles north of her house. However, when the settlers were settling the area, the survey crew had messed up, and they determined the middle of no where to be about 5 miles south of where the actual geographical middle of no where truly was. The capital of no where, when it was built, was therefore built about 5 miles south of where it belonged. When the error was discovered, only the craziest of the citizens of no where actually wanted to move the town.)
Troppo didn't do much when his family visited his grandmother. He swam a little in the lake, and he kicked his sisters ? usual boy stuff. But there wasn't much else to do, and Troppo found himself looking forward to when his parents would send him off to a military school when he got in trouble for breaking into too many cars.
One day, while Troppo lay on the side of the lake, dreaming about building the world's tallest Trojan Horse, a strange girl walked by him. By the time he looked up, she was gone. Troppo decided that he better make sure she didn't steal all his money. Unfortunately, she did.
He was pretty sure that she went into the water, because that's where her footprints led him. And because she screamed like a Honda when she hit the cold water. He searched all over the lake, but he never found some strange girl.
Many years later, when Troppo had gotten out of school and got a job as an insurance salesman, he decided to take the afternoon off and go driving. He didn't know the area well, since he was an idiot, so he just drove on whatever roads he felt like. But, eventually, he hit a traffic jam. All night he sat in that driveway, waiting for the other guy to move out of his way.
In the morning, he found out it wasn't a guy. It was a woman. She was pretty pissed, as she was already late for work. The entire time she was yelling at him, he could think of nothing more than doing it with her. He asked her on a date, and she pulled him out of his car.
"Wow!" he thought, "This is my kind of lady!"
But she wasn't pulling him out so that they could do it. She got in his car and drove to work.
"That dumb bitch," Troppo thought, "My car doesn't know where she works. It probably took her to my work."
Troppo walked to work. But she wasn't there. "She's a slow driver, I guess."
Finally, just as he guessed, she showed up to his office. She realized that she was stuck with him, and agreed to go on a date with him.
She said her name was Pook, and, as I'm sure you guessed by now, she's the same girl who stole his money when he was younger. She used to live in that lake, as she's a swimming pook. (All pooks are named "Pook.") (Except for those who aren't named "Pook.")
They spent the entire evening, reliving all their shared memories. Troppo laughed. Pook laughed. Troppo cried. Pook laughed.
However, as suddenly as anything you can imagine, the evil villain Crocodile Dundee stormed into the restaurant. (Did I mention they were in a restaurant? Well, they were.)
Dundee grabbed Pook. "I've got you know, Lady!" he yelled, as he was dragging her out the door.
But Troppo wouldn't allow this to happen on his date. He grabbed Crocodile Dundee by the neck and punched him square in the belly. Dundee laughed at Troppo, and he throttled him in his sleep.
But nothing could destroy an idiot who has fallen in love with a lady who stole his money when he was a kid. He quickly woke up and Harry Pottered Dundee right in the back of his head. Crocodile Dundee turned into an itsy-bitsy spider, and he crawled away.
He didn't die, but we won't have to worry about him for another few episodes, I think.
Troppo and Pook spent the rest of the evening together, and they enjoyed dating a few more times. But then Pook met some other guy, and Troppo met some other woman. They remained friends for a few minutes, but then it was too awkward, and they settled on just a Christmas Card every summer.
Upvote
0
Zurp
I have misplaced my pants.
It's often been a theory of many world-famous scientists that everyone has one thing that he can do better than anyone else. For example, King Henry VIII was said to be able to eat an entire live chicken simply by slurping it up his nose. And George Washington was a champion at convincing two rabbits to mud-wrestle, before his father found out and made him lead an army in a revolution.
With the advent of comic books and the coming of the nuclear age, and the fear that the comic books would mutate into killer sandwiches from Arby's, this "one thing" became known as a "mutant power." According to nearly half of the professors of Mutantology, at the University of We're-Better-Than-You, presented by AT&T, everyone currently alive, dead, or somewhere in between, has a mutant power.
Upon studying this information, Troppo wondered what his mutant power was. He could do a couple of things pretty well, but he didn't think he could do them any better than the next guy. He thought about the skill he had at parallel parking, but then he remembered the time when he backed right into an open manhole. Then he thought about his skills at tying his shoes. This, however, was quickly discarded when he noticed that neither of his shoes was accurately tied.
"Oh, bother," Troppo said, which got him thinking of Winnie the Pooh. "What in the world is a pooh?" he wondered. He knew what a poo was, of course. But it was nothing close to a bear, which appeared to be what Winnie the Pooh was. He also knew who Apu was. Apu, of course, was the old guy who worked at the library, very unlike the Simpsons character.
Troppo, bewildered and befuddled, did what he always did when he couldn't think of the answer: he drank a gallon of water and applied for a credit card. Sometimes he was able to finish the application before he had to go to the bathroom, and sometimes he couldn't. But it was a fun game, no matter who won.
In this such occasion, he found out that someone had tied his shoelaces together. He looked around to find the culprit, but the only person there was the cuckoo clock, and clocks aren't actually people. He had seen that episode of Mythbusters, and he was as shocked as anyone else at the result. Of course, nature decided that this was a great time to call, and he got up to run to answer. Predictably, he fell down immediately after he tried to go anywhere.
Hitting his head on the coffee table, he found himself spiraling out of control. Images he hadn't seen in years came flooding into his mind. He was attacked from all directions by visions of Thanksgiving dinners, exams he never studied for, first dates with girls he never actually dated, the wicked witch of the west, etc. The last feeling of consciousness he had was that he was peeing in his pants.
He awoke at the hospital. His neighbor, Lieutenant Jimmy Borkster, had found him dead on the floor, and took him to the morgue. The morgue had upgraded his status to "not dead" and kicked him out the door. Lt. Borkster, who had been promoted to Captain and demoted back to Lieutenant in the 2 hours of his existence in this episode, then took Troppo to the hospital.
Troppo's first thought was of extreme terror: he had just peed his pants. His second though, which came approximately 1.2 seconds later, was of extreme relief: he wasn't wearing any pants. This blissful happiness lasted for several hours. He decided he must be drugged on something, as not wearing pants was pretty sweet, but not "blissful happiness" sweet, when you're lying in a hospital bed with a bandage wrapped around your head.
When Lt. Borkster was allowed to see Troppo, he told Troppo that his car stunk pretty badly, on account of the fact that Troppo had been pee-wet in his car for so long. Of course, Lt. Borkster took the long way to the hospital, and that's why Troppo was in there for so long. He demanded that Troppo pay for the internal cleaning of his car, which was estimated to be approximately $75.
Troppo denied, and wanted to know where the pants were. The pants, apparently, had cost him $10, and he wanted either $10 or his pants back. Jimmy then said that when the nurses removed his pants and gave them to Jimmy, he threw them away.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
This argument went back and forth for a couple of minutes. Finally, simultaneously, and instantaneously, (but not spontaneously), they each yelled, "I'll see you in court!!!"
Of course, finding lawyers was quick and painless. But the court session was not. For forty days and forty nights, they battled in court. The lawyers and the jurors often yelled at the judge. The judge yelled at Troppo and Jimmy. Jimmy yelled at Troppo. Troppo yelled at Jimmy's lawyer. The janitor yelled at his mother.
But then, at midnight on the last day of the trial, Troppo couldn't hold it in anymore. He revealed to the jury that he could fit fifteen golf balls in his arm pit. "I've found my mutant power!" he shouted. Not understanding what was going on, but fearing the worst, Jimmy's lawyer dropped all claims against Troppo. The judge, who was as confused as a 1-legged turkey trying to read the bible while falling out of an airplane with no parachute, dismissed all claims against Jimmy. "Why doesn't the airplane have a parachute?" the judge kept asking his wife when he got home.
Jimmy and Troppo eventually became friends, again. But they never found the pants or got the car cleaned.
With the advent of comic books and the coming of the nuclear age, and the fear that the comic books would mutate into killer sandwiches from Arby's, this "one thing" became known as a "mutant power." According to nearly half of the professors of Mutantology, at the University of We're-Better-Than-You, presented by AT&T, everyone currently alive, dead, or somewhere in between, has a mutant power.
Upon studying this information, Troppo wondered what his mutant power was. He could do a couple of things pretty well, but he didn't think he could do them any better than the next guy. He thought about the skill he had at parallel parking, but then he remembered the time when he backed right into an open manhole. Then he thought about his skills at tying his shoes. This, however, was quickly discarded when he noticed that neither of his shoes was accurately tied.
"Oh, bother," Troppo said, which got him thinking of Winnie the Pooh. "What in the world is a pooh?" he wondered. He knew what a poo was, of course. But it was nothing close to a bear, which appeared to be what Winnie the Pooh was. He also knew who Apu was. Apu, of course, was the old guy who worked at the library, very unlike the Simpsons character.
Troppo, bewildered and befuddled, did what he always did when he couldn't think of the answer: he drank a gallon of water and applied for a credit card. Sometimes he was able to finish the application before he had to go to the bathroom, and sometimes he couldn't. But it was a fun game, no matter who won.
In this such occasion, he found out that someone had tied his shoelaces together. He looked around to find the culprit, but the only person there was the cuckoo clock, and clocks aren't actually people. He had seen that episode of Mythbusters, and he was as shocked as anyone else at the result. Of course, nature decided that this was a great time to call, and he got up to run to answer. Predictably, he fell down immediately after he tried to go anywhere.
Hitting his head on the coffee table, he found himself spiraling out of control. Images he hadn't seen in years came flooding into his mind. He was attacked from all directions by visions of Thanksgiving dinners, exams he never studied for, first dates with girls he never actually dated, the wicked witch of the west, etc. The last feeling of consciousness he had was that he was peeing in his pants.
He awoke at the hospital. His neighbor, Lieutenant Jimmy Borkster, had found him dead on the floor, and took him to the morgue. The morgue had upgraded his status to "not dead" and kicked him out the door. Lt. Borkster, who had been promoted to Captain and demoted back to Lieutenant in the 2 hours of his existence in this episode, then took Troppo to the hospital.
Troppo's first thought was of extreme terror: he had just peed his pants. His second though, which came approximately 1.2 seconds later, was of extreme relief: he wasn't wearing any pants. This blissful happiness lasted for several hours. He decided he must be drugged on something, as not wearing pants was pretty sweet, but not "blissful happiness" sweet, when you're lying in a hospital bed with a bandage wrapped around your head.
When Lt. Borkster was allowed to see Troppo, he told Troppo that his car stunk pretty badly, on account of the fact that Troppo had been pee-wet in his car for so long. Of course, Lt. Borkster took the long way to the hospital, and that's why Troppo was in there for so long. He demanded that Troppo pay for the internal cleaning of his car, which was estimated to be approximately $75.
Troppo denied, and wanted to know where the pants were. The pants, apparently, had cost him $10, and he wanted either $10 or his pants back. Jimmy then said that when the nurses removed his pants and gave them to Jimmy, he threw them away.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
"Give me $10," shouted Troppo.
"No. YOU give ME $75," yelled Lt. Borkster.
This argument went back and forth for a couple of minutes. Finally, simultaneously, and instantaneously, (but not spontaneously), they each yelled, "I'll see you in court!!!"
Of course, finding lawyers was quick and painless. But the court session was not. For forty days and forty nights, they battled in court. The lawyers and the jurors often yelled at the judge. The judge yelled at Troppo and Jimmy. Jimmy yelled at Troppo. Troppo yelled at Jimmy's lawyer. The janitor yelled at his mother.
But then, at midnight on the last day of the trial, Troppo couldn't hold it in anymore. He revealed to the jury that he could fit fifteen golf balls in his arm pit. "I've found my mutant power!" he shouted. Not understanding what was going on, but fearing the worst, Jimmy's lawyer dropped all claims against Troppo. The judge, who was as confused as a 1-legged turkey trying to read the bible while falling out of an airplane with no parachute, dismissed all claims against Jimmy. "Why doesn't the airplane have a parachute?" the judge kept asking his wife when he got home.
Jimmy and Troppo eventually became friends, again. But they never found the pants or got the car cleaned.
Upvote
0
Zurp
I have misplaced my pants.
There was once a couple of monkeys. Well, I'm sure that there were a lot more than just a couple, but since they aren't involved in this story, we won't mention them. One monkey's name was "Helga", and the other's name was "Bjorn." Every evening, the two monkeys, who were likely married to each other, went for a walk through the neighborhood. Except sometimes it was raining or cold and windy, and monkeys like to stay warm, so they stayed inside some nights. And on those nights, no one knows what they did, because no one ever saw them. In fact, the only time anyone ever saw them was when they were out going for their walks.
This puzzled Troppo. Why was it that no one ever saw Bjorn or Helga, outside of their walks? Troppo liked to imagine that they were running an illegal drug lab in their basement. He pictured them cooking drugs and listening to Slayer really loudly. But then he decided that he was being silly - who would buy drugs from anyone named "Bjorn" or "Helga", anyway?
He had a lot of thoughts like this. Sometimes he thought so hard he didn't have any more thoughts for the rest of what was going on. He'd often find himself face down in a puddle on the side of the street, having thought so much about pudding, or whatever, that he forgot to watch where he was going. He thought about tying himself to a chair whenever he starting thinking about something, but that thought was a real thinker, and he found himself pouring salad dressing in glass of milk.
So one day, while Bjorn and Helga were going for their walk, Troppo started following them. He made sure to concentrate on the monkeys, so he wouldn't get side-tracked. He watched them turn the corner and walk along the main street. He followed for probably a long ways, but he lost track, as he was thinking so much about them. Finally, they arrived back at their house, and Troppo figured that that was a waste of time. "I already knew that they go for walks in the evening," he said.
Deciding that he didn't really care about what they had to do in their own house, he did what most the rest of us would do in his situation: he took a CPR class. Of course, as pretty much any yutz can pass a CPR class, he got a certificate of completion within 6 weeks. Unfortunately, this did not make him a certified auto mechanic, and he cried in his cereal.
A desperate shell of a man, Troppo climbed back into his chair to figure out what to do next. For seven days and seven nights he thought about it. His final answer was that he should become an international pop star. "Then," he thought, "Bjorn and Helga will be forced to turn into raccoons." I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but you have to remember that he hadn't eaten, slept, or played any video games for an entire week. "And who else to teach me how to become an international pop star than Helga and Bjorn?"
He ran to their house under the pretense that he was there to steal their stereo. Once inside, he confessed that he wasn't really the Snorty Monster, and that they should teach him how to sing. Since they didn't originally believe him that he was the Snorty Monster, they figured that he might be lying that he WASN'T the Snorty Monster. Therefore, they feared retribution if they turned him down.
For many months, they helped him practice. But he still wasn't any good. So they punched him and gave him some lemonade, and they all laughed for a couple minutes.
The end.
This puzzled Troppo. Why was it that no one ever saw Bjorn or Helga, outside of their walks? Troppo liked to imagine that they were running an illegal drug lab in their basement. He pictured them cooking drugs and listening to Slayer really loudly. But then he decided that he was being silly - who would buy drugs from anyone named "Bjorn" or "Helga", anyway?
He had a lot of thoughts like this. Sometimes he thought so hard he didn't have any more thoughts for the rest of what was going on. He'd often find himself face down in a puddle on the side of the street, having thought so much about pudding, or whatever, that he forgot to watch where he was going. He thought about tying himself to a chair whenever he starting thinking about something, but that thought was a real thinker, and he found himself pouring salad dressing in glass of milk.
So one day, while Bjorn and Helga were going for their walk, Troppo started following them. He made sure to concentrate on the monkeys, so he wouldn't get side-tracked. He watched them turn the corner and walk along the main street. He followed for probably a long ways, but he lost track, as he was thinking so much about them. Finally, they arrived back at their house, and Troppo figured that that was a waste of time. "I already knew that they go for walks in the evening," he said.
Deciding that he didn't really care about what they had to do in their own house, he did what most the rest of us would do in his situation: he took a CPR class. Of course, as pretty much any yutz can pass a CPR class, he got a certificate of completion within 6 weeks. Unfortunately, this did not make him a certified auto mechanic, and he cried in his cereal.
A desperate shell of a man, Troppo climbed back into his chair to figure out what to do next. For seven days and seven nights he thought about it. His final answer was that he should become an international pop star. "Then," he thought, "Bjorn and Helga will be forced to turn into raccoons." I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but you have to remember that he hadn't eaten, slept, or played any video games for an entire week. "And who else to teach me how to become an international pop star than Helga and Bjorn?"
He ran to their house under the pretense that he was there to steal their stereo. Once inside, he confessed that he wasn't really the Snorty Monster, and that they should teach him how to sing. Since they didn't originally believe him that he was the Snorty Monster, they figured that he might be lying that he WASN'T the Snorty Monster. Therefore, they feared retribution if they turned him down.
For many months, they helped him practice. But he still wasn't any good. So they punched him and gave him some lemonade, and they all laughed for a couple minutes.
The end.
Upvote
0
Zurp
I have misplaced my pants.
Freddie was a happy kangaroo, but he was born with a physical abnormality: he was really a duck. His mother, who was also a duck, told him that she was very disappointed in his duckness. "If I were you," she said one day, "I would chew 15 pieces of bubble gum and put it on one of your co-worker's telephones." Freddie didn't know what that had to do with being a duck, or a kangaroo. But, nonetheless, Freddie began his successful career as a kangaroo who was really a duck at a very young age.
Freddie traveled the world, with people paying lots of money to see the one and only kangaroo who was really a duck. Freddie later found out that there were entire armies of children who refused to go see the pinto bean that was really a grapefruit, because they thought it would be insulting to Freddie. Freddie, of course, would not have been insulted if they had gone to see the grapefruit, but he thought it was a good gesture on their part.
As happy as Freddie was, he was sometimes sad. Much of this sadness came about because he was not quite as good of a ninja as he had dreamed. He never was properly trained as a ninja, but that didn't stop him from trying to sneak into places he didn't belong and beat up innocent people, pretending they were the servants of a certain dark lord, whom he called "Belchy Daisy". The victims of his brutal attacks rarely called the cops, for they were often more entertained by his intrusions than they were annoyed by his kickings. Kangaroos that are actually ducks, it seems, do not kick very hard.
He tried out for ninja school one time, but the ninja master laughed at him. "Ducks can't be kangaroos," he said. Freddie thought, not for the last time, that if he was a duck who was actually a kangaroo, he probably would have been admitted. Then he thought of his dear, sweet mother, and her voice came clearly into his mind like a memory of a happy pickle: "I bet you can't put 15 marbles up your nose." He began to weep, because he knew that she was right.
So Freddie continued to roam the countryside, looking for bacon, or a ninja school that would accept ducks masquerading as kangaroos. Instead, he found a magical chicken, who didn't actually have any magical abilities. The chicken's name was Charlene, and she was the most beautiful magical chicken Freddie had ever seen. Unfortunately, she was married, and her culture didn't support divorce. That was fine with Freddie, because he didn't want to marry the chick. He just wanted to use her to get close to the bacon. Unfortunately, Charlene's husband, Bruno, found out about the bacon, and he also tried to get it. But Charlene was evil, as all females of the animal kingdom are.
She challenged the two men. She said that if either one could correctly guess the number she had in her mind, that duck/kangaroo/chicken/cow could have the bacon.
Unfortunately for her, however, heretofore, alas, hitherto, and so on. Freddie and Bruno were already eating the bacon. There was a whole mound of bacon; it stretched high into the sky, and Freddie wondered how the clouds were just floating by without trying to grab a piece of the pile. Bruno, who was as only slightly smarter than the connotation of the name may infer, but much, much smaller (try to imagine a parking cone, and you know what I'm talking about), was very suspicious of Freddie. He kept an eye on Freddie the entire time, constantly imagining two dogs eating the same string of spaghetti. He was not about to be caught in the same situation with Freddie, be he kangaroo or not. At Charlene's insistence, they each tried to guess what number she was thinking of.
"15," said Freddie.
"2," said Bruno.
"4," said Charlene. However wrong that they were, Charlene was not able to keep them from eating the mountain of bacon. On the contrary, they each started to eat faster. It became a race between the two of them and they both knew that an explosion was imminent. Neither seemed to care. Finally, with the two of them lying on their backs, each attempting to swallow more bacon, Charlene went to bed.
The end.
Freddie traveled the world, with people paying lots of money to see the one and only kangaroo who was really a duck. Freddie later found out that there were entire armies of children who refused to go see the pinto bean that was really a grapefruit, because they thought it would be insulting to Freddie. Freddie, of course, would not have been insulted if they had gone to see the grapefruit, but he thought it was a good gesture on their part.
As happy as Freddie was, he was sometimes sad. Much of this sadness came about because he was not quite as good of a ninja as he had dreamed. He never was properly trained as a ninja, but that didn't stop him from trying to sneak into places he didn't belong and beat up innocent people, pretending they were the servants of a certain dark lord, whom he called "Belchy Daisy". The victims of his brutal attacks rarely called the cops, for they were often more entertained by his intrusions than they were annoyed by his kickings. Kangaroos that are actually ducks, it seems, do not kick very hard.
He tried out for ninja school one time, but the ninja master laughed at him. "Ducks can't be kangaroos," he said. Freddie thought, not for the last time, that if he was a duck who was actually a kangaroo, he probably would have been admitted. Then he thought of his dear, sweet mother, and her voice came clearly into his mind like a memory of a happy pickle: "I bet you can't put 15 marbles up your nose." He began to weep, because he knew that she was right.
So Freddie continued to roam the countryside, looking for bacon, or a ninja school that would accept ducks masquerading as kangaroos. Instead, he found a magical chicken, who didn't actually have any magical abilities. The chicken's name was Charlene, and she was the most beautiful magical chicken Freddie had ever seen. Unfortunately, she was married, and her culture didn't support divorce. That was fine with Freddie, because he didn't want to marry the chick. He just wanted to use her to get close to the bacon. Unfortunately, Charlene's husband, Bruno, found out about the bacon, and he also tried to get it. But Charlene was evil, as all females of the animal kingdom are.
She challenged the two men. She said that if either one could correctly guess the number she had in her mind, that duck/kangaroo/chicken/cow could have the bacon.
Unfortunately for her, however, heretofore, alas, hitherto, and so on. Freddie and Bruno were already eating the bacon. There was a whole mound of bacon; it stretched high into the sky, and Freddie wondered how the clouds were just floating by without trying to grab a piece of the pile. Bruno, who was as only slightly smarter than the connotation of the name may infer, but much, much smaller (try to imagine a parking cone, and you know what I'm talking about), was very suspicious of Freddie. He kept an eye on Freddie the entire time, constantly imagining two dogs eating the same string of spaghetti. He was not about to be caught in the same situation with Freddie, be he kangaroo or not. At Charlene's insistence, they each tried to guess what number she was thinking of.
"15," said Freddie.
"2," said Bruno.
"4," said Charlene. However wrong that they were, Charlene was not able to keep them from eating the mountain of bacon. On the contrary, they each started to eat faster. It became a race between the two of them and they both knew that an explosion was imminent. Neither seemed to care. Finally, with the two of them lying on their backs, each attempting to swallow more bacon, Charlene went to bed.
The end.
Upvote
0