robertrobert
Newbie
I?m thinking about vacationing in Maine so I read Cincibuck?s post. It was scary, but informative. Would I get in a bad mood over the way Massachusetts people pronounced towns like ?Wooster?. I certainly would have to check my spine to see if I could quit my protected enclave and head off to a place where pick up trucks sporting NASCAR decals roamed like caribou. But the real test would come if I encountered a funky cottage like the one Cincibuck had to deal with. Would I get freaked out like Cincibuck at finding ?a light green Taurus? in the yard or a dryer set up in a different location, a different building even, than the washer? What would I do? Was I man enough to handle an outhouse ?on call? just in case there was a plumbing failure? These are important questions.
At some point, though, I stopped being concerned for myself and started worrying about Cincibuck. I hope he?s okay. Here?s a hero of a man who put himself in harm?s way to warn those like me who might follow in his footsteps. I thank him for pointing out that being in a cottage with an exquisite view of the lake was not important. Apparently what matters is your kitchen sink. If it?s made of stainless steel from the fifties get out of there as fast as you can. Make sure to ask if anything in the house is made by hand . Ask about the jacks on the back of the t.v. If they?re out of date insist it be thrown into the landfill before you arrive. And, very delicately, find out just how much stuff in the house was bought retail.
But I?m worried this is why the world hates us. Isn?t this why those NASCAR types hate University types? Cincibuck, why didn?t you ask weather there was an old sink before you committed your vacation time and wandered into such an unholy place? And why, oh why, didn?t you ask if the t.v. had the right jacks? Forgive me, but I have to ask; Were secondary Martha Stewart / Pier One trappings so important to your happiness that you simply couldn?t enjoy those wilderness pleasures if beautiful Maine? Is there any way I can prevent the self-inportant image I have of myself from ruining my vacation? I need to learn from Cinibuck?s experience how to keep satire and cynicism from becoming the highlight of my vacation experience.
I like funny writing in the style of David Sederis. But where Sederis wins us over with self deprecating humor, Cinibuck, you seem to be doing your level best to keep all eyes off yourself. Admit it, you?re like me. We were those kids in high school who learned to deflect negative attention by criticizing everyone around us. We can admit it now. There are some pretty good on- line therapy groups which I can email you. This summer you and I can be who we really are. This summer if you have the good. . or bad luck to encounter a perfect buffoon. . . an aging hippie throwback to communal commie thinking and zero knowledge of L.L. Bean style. . a Dale Dapkins (the name even sounds fishy.) garumphing around in his shabby flower garden with his bleach blond Shanghi Lola. . . you won?t let them off the hook with simple descriptions of their unstylish (Second hand? Yeech! Bugs!) clothing. And instead of wringing your hands over some dredlocked jerk enjoying himself on a nearby island beating a drum you?ll snap your fingers and have a Bud light. And with the help of Jesus you won?t have to blame, like our dear departed Jerry Falwell, the devil in someone like Dale?s non-retail buying karma for dropping your contact lenses or for Catty?s mutilating her finger when biting herself as she scooped ice cream. I?m going to make a suggestion and, of course, you don?t have to take it. But next time you write a travelogue. . .really get into it! Bare your teeth (if you have teeth) and really have-at your next goofy Dale and his silly blond Asian chippie antagonist! Peck their eyes out like a sea gull eating clams. Bite their backs like a moose eats a brace of ducks!
Sorry, Cincibuck, I meant to just say hi and thanks for the helpful article, but got carried away. I still want to be your friend. You sound like a neat guy.
At some point, though, I stopped being concerned for myself and started worrying about Cincibuck. I hope he?s okay. Here?s a hero of a man who put himself in harm?s way to warn those like me who might follow in his footsteps. I thank him for pointing out that being in a cottage with an exquisite view of the lake was not important. Apparently what matters is your kitchen sink. If it?s made of stainless steel from the fifties get out of there as fast as you can. Make sure to ask if anything in the house is made by hand . Ask about the jacks on the back of the t.v. If they?re out of date insist it be thrown into the landfill before you arrive. And, very delicately, find out just how much stuff in the house was bought retail.
But I?m worried this is why the world hates us. Isn?t this why those NASCAR types hate University types? Cincibuck, why didn?t you ask weather there was an old sink before you committed your vacation time and wandered into such an unholy place? And why, oh why, didn?t you ask if the t.v. had the right jacks? Forgive me, but I have to ask; Were secondary Martha Stewart / Pier One trappings so important to your happiness that you simply couldn?t enjoy those wilderness pleasures if beautiful Maine? Is there any way I can prevent the self-inportant image I have of myself from ruining my vacation? I need to learn from Cinibuck?s experience how to keep satire and cynicism from becoming the highlight of my vacation experience.
I like funny writing in the style of David Sederis. But where Sederis wins us over with self deprecating humor, Cinibuck, you seem to be doing your level best to keep all eyes off yourself. Admit it, you?re like me. We were those kids in high school who learned to deflect negative attention by criticizing everyone around us. We can admit it now. There are some pretty good on- line therapy groups which I can email you. This summer you and I can be who we really are. This summer if you have the good. . or bad luck to encounter a perfect buffoon. . . an aging hippie throwback to communal commie thinking and zero knowledge of L.L. Bean style. . a Dale Dapkins (the name even sounds fishy.) garumphing around in his shabby flower garden with his bleach blond Shanghi Lola. . . you won?t let them off the hook with simple descriptions of their unstylish (Second hand? Yeech! Bugs!) clothing. And instead of wringing your hands over some dredlocked jerk enjoying himself on a nearby island beating a drum you?ll snap your fingers and have a Bud light. And with the help of Jesus you won?t have to blame, like our dear departed Jerry Falwell, the devil in someone like Dale?s non-retail buying karma for dropping your contact lenses or for Catty?s mutilating her finger when biting herself as she scooped ice cream. I?m going to make a suggestion and, of course, you don?t have to take it. But next time you write a travelogue. . .really get into it! Bare your teeth (if you have teeth) and really have-at your next goofy Dale and his silly blond Asian chippie antagonist! Peck their eyes out like a sea gull eating clams. Bite their backs like a moose eats a brace of ducks!
Sorry, Cincibuck, I meant to just say hi and thanks for the helpful article, but got carried away. I still want to be your friend. You sound like a neat guy.
