cincibuck
You kids stay off my lawn!
A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY
<TABLE width="100%" border=1><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="100%" bgColor=#ffffff colSpan=3>
IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>SYMPTOM
</TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>CAUSE
</TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>CORRECTIVE ACTION
</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Feet cold and wet </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>Glass Being held at incorrect angle. </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Feet warm and wet </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>Improper Bladder Control </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Beer unusually pale and tasteless </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Get someone to buy you another beer </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You have fallen over backward. </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Have yourself lashed to bar </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You have fallen forward </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>See above </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Retire to restroom, practice in mirror </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Floor Blurred </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You are looking through bottom of empty glass </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Get someone to buy you another beer </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Floor moving </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You are being carried out </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Find out if you are being taken to another bar </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Room seems unusually dark </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>Bar has closed </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Everyone looks up to you and smiles </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You are dancing on the table </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Fall on someone cushy-looking </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Beer is crystal-clear </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Punch him </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You're in the ladies' room </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You have been in a fight </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You've wandered into the wrong party </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>See if they have free beer </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>You're in a gay bar </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Your singing sounds distorted </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>The beer is too weak </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Have more beer until your voice improves </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD vAlign=center width="41%" bgColor=#ffffff>Don't remember the words to the song </TD><TD vAlign=center width="18%" bgColor=#ffffff>Beer is just right </TD><TD vAlign=center width="42%" bgColor=#ffffff>Play air guitar</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>