SEC Recruiting Rankings - Satire

[sandgk]

From "Gump For Heisman"

Part 1:

Another signing day has come and gone. There were winners. There were losers. There were duffel bags. Full of money. And tractor keys.
Yes, yesterday every coach got to do his Nick Nolte Blue Chips best and sign the best 25 guys he could get his booste- eh, hands on. So this week, we take an unedited look at what every SEC coach had to say about his class when the microphones were, eh, turned off.

Today we'll go through the SEC's 12th-7th ranked classes. And tomorrow, we'll examine classes #6-1.

Just one snippet -- and really I'm spoilt for choice ...

Houston Nutt, Ole Miss (Rivals.com final ranking: 24th)

Well hell. Top 25 ain?t too bad now is it? I?ll take it. Pig Sooo- er, Totty. Damn. Aw, Pig Totty! Hotty Sooooie! Who gives a shit. Hell, I can?t keep these damn redneck yells straight. What are they for anyway? Sounds like some Civil War cavalry shit. ?Pig Sooooie!? sounds like something a redneck yells at his sister before he porks her. Seriously. Wasn?t that in Deliverance?
Whatever. How?d you like that Enrique Davis shit I pulled? Getting a 5-star RB to switch from Auburn. That was smooth wasn?t it? ?The next McFadden.? I?m good. Hell we all know that ain?t true. The next McFadden is McFadden. Hell, the last McFadden is McFadden. But these folks in Oxford are fine. Literally. They are hot as shit. I want to bone like 75% of them. Even the guys here are kinda hot. And I?m straighter than Elvis. Hell, the plants here are hot. Sometimes I walk outside and think ?Hmm, I?d do that tree.? Is that weird? Fuck it. Hotty Toddy.

Part II:

SEC Coaches Recruiting Breakdowns (Part II)

On Friday, we continue the march of reaction from all 12 SEC head coaches. Yesterday, we got a reaction from the 6th lowest-rated SEC recruiting classes. Today, we take a look at more winners and losers. The Top 6 SEC recruiting classes, in the UNEDITED words of the men who signed them...
Let the F-bombs begin...

Yet more ribaldry ... or maybe not

Mark Richt, Georgia (Rivals.com final ranking: 6th)
Okaly-dokaly neighbors! The #6 class in the country. Good-doodly-ud! I?m a-pleased from my head to my knees! This is just a swell recruiting class. Just swell. I?ll take a minute to apologize for all these foul-mouthed coachy-roachies. I always tell ?em, ?Don?t be a Cussy Russ!? But son-of-a-gun-didaly-un, they don?t listen to the ol? Mark Richter. We set out to sign a darn fine class, and sure as angel-fire we filled it full of Rivals-rated Rods and totally-touted Todds!
Boy, this class is just spine-tingly-dingly! We signed a couple of Davids and a whole boat-diddly-oad of Goliaths! No disrespect to the good Lord for the wonderful lesson, but Goliaths are what helps you land on the right side of the ol? W?s-and-L?s. Why we got us a couple of AJs ? from a Fast-Freddy like Mr. Green, to a Pancaking-Pete like Mr. Harmon. I?m tickled pink-didaly-ink! I know they label me the Roy Scout of this here SEC crusade, but in ?08, I?m a guessin? to teach a lesson. ?Cause, and pardon me Good Lord my sin-diddly-in, but I?m a right mind prideful for being great in 2008! So your darn-tootin? I?m gonna Hokily-Dokily my way to a crystal football!

 

[MaxBuck]

Wow, funny stuff. Right up there with Minnie Pearl.

 

[cincibuck]

Rich Brooks of Kentucky had a stunned look on his face, "AD done told me he'd get us in the Big East if I'd coach here. Said some of these here 'football schools, was larnin' sumpin' about basketball too and it was time to skeedaddle."